omy pool omy motorcycles omy heart

Today is our first singles pool competition and I'm hosting!! How super fun love it!

and i bought the hubby a motorcycle yesterday...

aaaaaaaaand i hope i got preggers this month!

The end of Summer is drawing near

Can you believe that 1 year ago today I was spending the day packing our entire life up to move back to Arkanas? That means that Maverick's birthday is this weekend. I wanted to do something extra special for him since we spent last year moving on his birthday but he got a pretty sweet tv when we moved so... lol

I got my test results back, my levels were extremely low. Atleast they were not undetectable (like in 2004 when the exhusband Hephaestus and I were on baby makers) and now I'm just waiting for the call to increase the dosage of Chlomid and possible take the Progesterone pills (depends on if the "visitor" shows like she's supose to or not...).

MomI's surgery went well. They removed the tumor (again) and showed it to be not cancerous (again) and so now they're scheduling a MRI (again) to try and get to the bottom of all this.

Tonight we have 8 ball league. Currently we're in 2nd place and lack 1st by 3 points. And I found out that Black Jack isn't going to be able to make it tonight and with half our team quitting 3 weeks before session is up ($$ issues for them, lost jobs etc) it left us with 4 players. Which if he doesn't show tonight that leaves 3 players and 1 replay so we forfeit a match. We can do a replay but only in regular season so if we can do this tonight and pull into 1st we skip the play offs and go straight for the Local Team Championships or if we can stay in 2nd we can't replay in the playoffs and we have to kill the first 3 games and win out. We have new members waiting in the wings for Fall session to begin. We are going to have a kickass team in both 8 ball and 9 ball (thurs nights). AND with the new Fall session we have a new doubles format. Alternating 8 ball and 9 ball everyother week. Single, Scotch Doubles, Single in the night. We are so excited! And I asked Black Jack to team up with us and he's being all reluctant and shit. I am seriously hurt here, my feelings are hurt so badly. I love and care for him so much as a friend, we've bonded and gotten really close and for him not to want to join us... it just hurts. So instead of having a 4 man team Mav said we can do it with just me and him and we'll be ok. We can add another player (up to 2) within the first 4 weeks of play so here's to hoping Black Jack changes his mind!


In Love, Laughter and Light...
Jester

randoms

My car is sick, she's having tranny issues. She's being admitted to the car repair place today for god knows how long and for how much money! I have to leave in 1.5 hours... ugh. And can only get to about 30 mph.

I take my blood test to see how we're doing with the baby makers in 1 week. really hope I have my car is back by then.

MomI is having another tumor removed from her neck. they still say benign but it's grown 4 x the size it was when first removed in 4 months. plus she was diagnosed with copd. this is not looking well for MomI. this is to take place on wednesday and my car is broke.

the ironic thing about my car is i've been helping a friend out who had tranny issues. i had just dropped her off and was 1/2 way home when my car decided to take a break too... thankfully i was by our pool hall and had the chance to chill with some awesome peoples while i waited for Maverick to get me.

speaking of pool. one of my dearest friends (Black Jack) went to vegas for the apa championships and got 5th place in the nation! how aewsome is that!?

a letter of sorrow and regret

Dear Mother,

Why must you ruin a beautiful weekend? I know it started out rocky when we game back from driving around the "old hood" and your husband was a drunk ass stupid person as always... I did appologize to you for yelling at him but seriously he needs help and you do to! What's sad is that you asked for help! You said you wished you could leave him... and I gave you an out, of all people in this world I told YOU that you could live with me if it meant you could be happy again and You didn't want to live with DrunkAss anymore. But you took my words, you twisted them and abused them like you always do. And that hurts me. You developed in your head that I had some sceme to kidnap you or something.

I was trying to help. This weekend was about extending an olive branch to help us heal from the past...

Instead when we came to say good-bye sunday morning instead of saying how wonderful saturday was and how great of a time we had together and instead of making plans to do it again...

You start doggin my daddy and your daddy, MY GRANDFATHER. Two of the very few people who have been there for me my whole life AND WHO HAVE NEVER HURT ME in the ways you have. And that's a no no especially coming from the woman that abused me and tried to kill me. He was there for me. He raised me. You didn't have to move to another state. You chose to move away from me. You called me almost daily on the phone saying how much you missed and loved me. I tried to have a go at it with you, MANY FUCKING TIMES I TRIED. Even as a child I tried... And you just hurt me... DruggyHubby hit me and you. I physically got into a fight with both him and DrunkHubby. I was placed in protective services FOUR times while waiting for daddy to come and get me.

I regret trying to get to know you. I have to say I'm sad over the awful memories that occured because of this. I wish I could go back and undo it all... You always took away my happiness and you made me cry. I always went back to arkansas "with my tail between my legs" because of visits to your home.

I am 31 years old... And I am so heartbroken that things have not changed. And there seems to be nothing I can do about it now.

Even though you tried to kill me when I was a baby, I do love you... But you need help. Serious help. Until that happens we may talk on the phone, we may write letters... but I will NEVER give you the chance to see your grandchildren (God bless the day I have any) and I will never see you again.

What's so awesome about the Summer?

Fishing, going out on the lake, spending time with friends and family, more hours in the sunlight, getting a tan...

And best of all! My Birthday, which is tomorrow. And Father's Day, which is this Sunday. I must say that the middle of June truly is the best time of the year. There is a strong and special bond between Daddy and I because of me being born on Father's Day and that makes him a very awesome birthday gift and I am a pretty awesome father's day present!

Happy Father's Day to the Greatest Daddy a gal could ask for!

(a few days early, who knows when I'll get on here again)

words can not describe the pain and joy i feel inside

today was a happy day. started off blissfully with my MomI and Daddy with FMIL at the house enjoying coffee and breakfast while preparing for a drive to Memphis to pickout my wedding dress. We were also going to meetup with BioMom. This scenario has given me countless nightmares BUT, I tried on 3 dresses and the 3rd was the one and the nervousness finally dissapated. It was confirmed BioMom was going to be on her best behavior. We were all one huge happy family and I was absolutely thrilled and happy...

then...... devastation.

Great-Grandpa D might not be blood but I have known him 23 of my nearly 31 years on this earth. But he was still my great-grandpa. I am sad for my sister Raquel, MomJ and Grandma D (his daughter) and my other family from MomJ's side. I am so sad and heartbroken that he died today.

Happiness one minute and tears the next, I honestly don't think I can manage these complicated emotional tornados ripping through my insides without an explosion.

I love you, Grandpa D. I am filled with sorrow that you are gone and hearbroken that you won't see me say "I do" to the greatest man on earth. I am content with the knowledge that you won't feel anymore pain. I am glad your suffering was brief....but I will miss you until we meet again, You're faithful and loving great-grandaughter, J.

New Life, Death and Regrets

About a month ago my Uncle H was diagnosed with a brain tumor, lung cancer and a lymphnoid infection... A few weeks ago they removed the tumor and started treating everything else... He died this morning. Uncle H was wife to daddy's sister Aunt A. Wonderful people who'd give you the shirt off thier back if you needed it. Daddy was 1 of 3 boys in a family of 7 there were 4 girls. Aunt A is the second oldest daughter. Uncle H is survived by many kids, grandkids and great grandkids. Our two families were close in that they were the only siblings in Arkansas on daddy's side of the family. We spent many thanksgivings and christmases with them when I was growing up. His funeral is on Saturday. We're going to make a quick trip to pay our respects.

Akira had her baby today. New life and Death all in one day. Its too many emotions for 1 person to handle at once. While I am extremely happy for Akira my heart is burdened with sadness over my uncle.

I regret not seeing them more often. Me and my cousins keep track online via FB but I have been a bad niece and not went to see my Aunt and Uncle as often as I should. I am very ashamed of myself. I never got to say Good-Bye. It'll haunt me forever. I pray saturday is not the last time I see my aunt alive. She had a double mastectomy a few years ago for breast cancer. I hear she's very frail and sick alot... Scary isn't it? I swore I'd be a better niece then but I never lived up to my promise.

rollercoaster week!

Monday I applied for a loan with bank A and was denied. Tuesday I applied for a loan with bank B and was approved on Wednesday. Wednesday the man and I went out and test drove a little Dodge Neon.

Yes, that is a sold sign you see hanging from the rearview mirror.

Earlier in the day I also got an awesome yearly review and sadly we have a wage freeze so I didn't get a raise..ugh. It would have been nice!

Yesterday we cruised around in the car and went out to celebrate at Chilis.

Today my dad told me that my UncleJ (who was AuntE's husband -go here and here) passed away. They were more like Grandparents than Aunt/Uncle because she was the oldest sibling and old enough to be daddy's mom. She pretty much wrapped her arms around all of us (my cousins) and became a surrogate grandma when daddy's momma passed away (her mom, too)... I couldn't get out to her funeral and I wont be able to get to his either... But I'll always remember him in my heart. Both of them. As I get older death is looking at me from every corner it seems.

We're going to visit Arkansas for memorial weekend in May. I'm going to go spend some time with BioMom's dad and see her biological mom while we're there. Losing the closest thing to a grandfather I've known on my dad's side (his father was murdered when he was a boy) is really opening my eyes I need to see my Grandparents as much as I can.

Rest In Peace UncleJ, you will be missed and are truly loved. My life is blessed because I had you there to share in it!

ketchup & mustard

We got a netflix account. Which means I sat here all day yesterday watching Quantum Leap. All day today watching Xena:Warrior Princess. I have also already maxed out my dvd que...Thank the gods for streaming so I can sit here and watch Xena and QL until my eyes cross while I wait for DVDs to come into the mail. I've signed up for Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Angel, all of the Star Trek series... I'm such a nerd.

Its nice to see a bill coming to an end. My next payment will be the last one. I'm choosing to keep the credit card after the balance is paid in full. You see, I had an old medical bill from the cancer stuff and I got an offer to have a credit card issued to me and they pay off the balance but it gets put on a credit card and I get a credit card with what was the balance of the debt plus extra for timely payments as my limit after its said and done. I like the thought of having good credit and figured that having 2 cards will not hurt me...as long as we don't use them :-) however, if you don't use them they incur fees...so the netflix account is being applied to one of them. Its less than $10 a month so I can easily pay off the balance every month. I just need to think of something else for the other card now that its going to be zero balance... I was buying random things with the other one but I don't really want to use them. I do want to increase my credit rating and score.

In April my parents will be putting the deposits on our wedding venue. I am so excited. I can't wait until all of that stuff is final so we can start picking out wedding invitations and sending them out. I want to look at dresses and try them on! I have the perfect dress in my head. I hope I can find it!

So far I've been maintaining my weight so I have not gained or lost. I was sick so we didn't walk like we were supose to...This week we're walking and I'm taking salads to work for lunch. Granted they supply salad at my work along with nasty things to eat but I do not trust thier food, never really have and only ate it out of laziness. Now I'm taking control of my food and my weight.

here is my scar. Its been just over 6 months now since my surgery...

and these are my xrays. I don't have to see my doc again until August for the 1 yr mark and then if I'm still good then never again <3

Work has been an issue as of late. Finally got rid of Homer but Savannah is driving me insane. She use to say that she had confidence in me and that she'd never be the type of boss that she is being...but now...I'm smothered and I feel abused. I can not wait until its closer to when our lease is up so we can look for jobs in Arkansas.

We were discussing maybe moving into the Florida panhandle that way we'd be half way between the 2 families... But its pretty much a guarantee his mom won't live in Florida after his gma dies and when that happens I'd want to live 100% in Arkansas so maybe Arkansas is a better place to move to from the beginning...

I want to try on wedding dresses so bad. But I want to have the skinnier self I had when I moved up here when I do (before all the pain started to increase)...The ocasional pain was enough to fuck with my head but when it got constant that was just...I was depressed and I left myself go. I'm blessed to have such an awesome man to stand beside me through all the ups and downs.

And to think I've had 3 months of no pain now! It seems like a dream. I can't believe it I really can't...

Now that I'm pain free I can work on looking on the outside how I feel and see myself on the inside. And I hope that losing most of this extra baggage will help on the fertility front. I know that the cancer shit fucked me up but I could use every advantage possible to help conceive. I know more and more everyday that I love Taranis with everything in me and each day I long for our own child. Its unfair that my youngest sibling should have her child before me. Or that ArmyBro's stepdaughter who is an incapable little brat and a slut should have a baby before me. She's due in August...And I know that my brother and her mom will end up raising that baby.

But I guess that one of these days I'll have to accept that life isn't fair. But even if it means we scrape and sacrifice and have nothing just to raise enough money to adopt...I will be a mother some way, some how.

baby enroute!

my sister Pebbles and her hubby Neopolitan is having thier baby today. She went into the hospital this morning but she's not fully dialated as of this posting... We're still waiting on him to get here. I think he's going to be as stubburn as his parents!!

**update** as of about 9 pm we have a BOY!! Congratulations, Sis! I love You!!!
(will post a pic as soon as they send me one)

tis the season for handcramps

Yup, just finished writing out my envelops to send off holiday cards...I'm late getting them out this year because I've been waiting for people to send me thier info cuz thier asses moved and I haven't gotten it... SO I blasted out a post on FB something about if you didn't get a card its your own fault cuz when I asked you didn't give me your address....same goes for wedding invites.

My list for wedding invites seems longer than my list of holiday cards sent out...I need to revisit that list and make some edits I believe.

so BioMom asked me what I'd like if she got me something for christmas and I said I need new work clothes because I'm trying to get a promotion. And she asked where I shop and I said mostly WalMart but Kohls would be cool and so would Target and KMart...so she sent me a giftcard to WalGreens. I know, I know, I should be thankful I get anything at all.

Anyways. I just find it ironic she asked me where and I said other stores and she sent me the one store I never shop at... NEVER shop at. Unless we're desperate to try and find something and have exhausted all other stores!!

Speaking of shopping......I've got errands to run. I'm either going to A-print off wallet sized pics of me and Joe at walgreens and send em with the cards to our families B- see if they have a giftcard to another store I can use this one to purchase or C- buy silly little presents to send to our siblings.

One Woman Army

OMG. This week was intense but it was all worth it when Monte said "I am proud of you, Blaez! Great work this week!" I was beaming with pride 100 miles long! No, make that 1,000!!!

So one of my duties in the aftermath is to go through my former boss's desk. And you would NOT believe the crap I have found. One was a cancellation that was never processed from 6 months ago. Another was a Direct Bill app that was never submitted to Monte to get approval or denial and sure enough, they were denied. They are to be here in late January!! We have to collect all monies up front...Yea, this should be fun!! And another was a poor guy who got charged a noshow on his room when he changed his reservation to a later date and she was supose to credit it and never did! Plus a million other things that she did wrong and was trying to coverup or things she was supose to do and just ignored it by throwing it into a box. YES-THREW IT INTO A FUCKING BOX AND IGNORED IT...

I don't feel bad for her being terminated anymore. Obviously the problems with Homer were beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I knew she was incompetant but not to that extent. What the fuck did she do all day?! I know first hand that it does not take all day to process to a new contract. So if she wasn't helping me with billing and she obviously wasn't doing the other things--what was she doing??? I don't think I want to know...

Tonight is Taranis' holiday function for work aka sit around the General Manager's house and talk and play pool with about 20 other people and thier wives/husbands.

My daddy and Taranis's mom both have asked to be my friend on facebook...I conceeded. My dad is making "fatherly" comments on everything (not that I have anything to hide) and FMIL hasn't said anything on facebook.

Jack went into labor yesterday. And Pebbles should be going into labor in about a month. I have to finish her baby's blanket soon. I havn't worked on it because I'm tired of crocheting after doing Taranis's blanket. lol

I need to think about this party tonight and what i'm gonna wear and stuff...Peace out!

ps, thank you all for the enouragement that something else promotion-wise might be around the corner at work. I SURE HOPE SO!

its a girl! no, its a boy!

all I have to say is that I'm glad I found out BEFORE I bought the yarn to make my "nieces" baby blankie...that my niece is not a girl but a boy....confused? we are too!!!

Pebbles had an ultra sound around her thought to be 5 month mark (she's 6 1/2 to 7-ish now, due early January) and the technician said "its a girl" so our Parents and everyone has been buying a TON of girl stuff......they also had issues with the baby's weight and size they said was due to gestational diabetes... hmmm

the deal is, when she first got preggers she figured her due date to be in december, she announced her pregnancy in May when Raquel graduated from College... THEN (after announcing it) she went to the "free clinic" so she could get on WIC and get free prenatal care because they didn't have insurance from his work... (yea, i know... not smart!!) he got smart and got them on insurance and they continued to go to the free clinic until it kicked in (always a waiting period...) the free clinic agreed with her at first that she was due in december, middle of december, and scheduled an ultrasound. 2 months later they say she's having a girl... and due in mid january... a whole month later!

so if you're confused you're not alone because I'm confused too!!

thier insurance finally kicked in and they went to the private practice doc who said that they thought her due date was late december... and wanted to do an ultrasound. which was today. which determined her due in early january and having a boy instead of a girl.

i have no idea what's going on or what happened...I'm just as confused as everyone else... but I guess maybe I can sneak in a Camo baby blankie since its a boy.... *I* think that she's gonna go into labor and she's gonna have twins a boy and a girl and one of em is going to be a month older than the other... she was just recently off the pill and her body hadn't had the chance to regulate itself properly when she got pregnated... its happened before!!!

so that was the hilariously great news today. i'm gonna have a nephew instead of a niece... they had her name, i mean HIS name, picked out and everything and it took them months to do it...I hope they can decide on one before HE comes to term!!!

(ps, I started the Yellow last night shortly before we went to bed...I will have this project done by christmas!! i will!!!)

He got me Flowers!! Blankie Update & I <3 Chili weather!!!

Friday I stayed up all night (most of it anyways) to get the man off to work to fix some violations in the warehouse... We knew that if one of us didn't stay up he'd never get out the door. And you know men don't think of themselves... So I stayed up and woke him at 3:30 am up and fixed him french toast and coffee and kicked his ass out the door at 4:30 am. Then I crashed. When he came home He had this bouquet in his hands!! Isn't he the sweetest man ever in the whole world??

I havn't been crocheting while on Medical Leave like I was supose to... I don't know if it was the medications or what but I was just "eh" to the whole crocheting thing... I would crochet once day a week but only for a few hours and barely got through the pink in the past 3 months!! 3 months for 1 color! And suddenly last week... BAM the crochet bug HIT me... I finished the pink and I was so excited about getting into the next color that I couldn't stop and I've been crocheting like a mad woman. what took 3 months will take a week, I'll have the green done and into the next color (Yellow) by tonight (if I get my ass off the computer....)

I now have 2 projects looming infront of me... I want to make a baby blankie for my soon-to-be-born neice from Pebbles & Neopolitan. At first the doc said she was due in December then changed to January and now they're saying December again! I want to get finish this project before I do anymore and I got 5(?) more colors left...I can't remember I got em all in a list how we decided... And ofcourse Raquel and Hunter want a Pink & Camo blanket... Yes, she is truly my sister. You mention camo to Pebbles and she cringes but you mention it to me and Raquel and we're in happy world!! That's how you know Raquel and I are blood sisters and Pebbles is our step-sister. But there is no steps in this family. She's still our sister but doesn't share our love of camo. Its sad really!! So Pebbles says they are doing Tinkerbell and very minimal pink so I thought a nice soft green with soft pink trimming would be great. Its a surprise, I can't wait to work on it.

(our rainbow blankie i've been working on since april? yikes!!! i need to get my rear in gear)

Fall is one of my favorites times of year. The beautiful changes in colors of the leaves, halloween and the crisp freshness in the air! So in honor of the cold season I made chili last night..........om nom nom!! We have left overs (ofcourse you can't make chili right if it aint a huge batch) and so we froze the leftovers and next week we'll thaw it out and have frito chili pie... NOM OM NOM om om om NOM NOM!!

when the bases are loaded what do you do?

the Dr sent my official revocation letter today and i sent it to the managers at my employer and i have heard nothing from them. how typical. no communication. another reason i wish to not work with them anymore.

I ended up shaving my own legs saturday with his electric beard trimmer... i didn't do a very good job. i missed alot of places. but it didn't prevent me from wearing my long (down to my ankles) skirt. he wont shave my legs for me because he's afraid he'll cut me and hurt me...

the BioMom interaction seems to be better since our fight. I just hope she keeps remembering what I said and I don't have to throw her off the grounds at our wedding.

i have decided that if i can find another place to work before my FMLA is up with my current employer I will change jobs. I might as well do something productive the next 6 weeks, right? instead of watching soap operas all day...

I told the fusion surgeon about the extra numbness on Friday and how it had been gone by Friday night and then how I was able to feel my toes a little more on saturday morning. he said it's "jumps" in healing. and to not be overly concerned unless its accompanied by pain or doesn't go away or the original numbess is getting worse. he put me back on the Celebrex and instead of 2 a day like before its 1 in the morning when my pain is the worst which has cut my Norco 5 intake from 3-4 a day to 1 a day that's before we go for our walks. I'm also on a different more stronger muscle relaxer called Skelaxin, i'm taking 800 mg at night before bed because that's when my spasms are 85% of the time. And I know its working so much better than the others!! I paid $60 for over $700 worth of medication. I love the fact i have medical insurance... wow. If I didn't I'd be living in pain forever. I walked a mile today. I've been walking half a mile but we did a mile today!! I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY ABOUT THAT!!

and the family doc just did a bunch of tests and gave me booster immunization shots and drew blood and stuff. it was alot of pokes (that i'm bruised from) and a headache. her office is suppose to call with the results when thier in. i'm kind of nervous about this whole "checkup" thing... and them testing for things i never dreamed of testing myself for...

I think i'm going to be very happy about my decidion to have the fusion. i have been to the school of hardknocks and graduated the top of my class. from having come from a child of divorce that was so nasty the local papers were talking about it to being diagnosed with cancer at 19 and then a debilitating injury: the spine stuff... I say I am a very lucky person.

they were talking about Patrick Swayze tonight on the news and I was hearing bits and peices of it while we ate dinner and it took all I had not to cry. He, like me, had so many close calls that could have ended his life and his career but he kept overcoming them. and then he got something he couldn't get rid of or overcome. and it took his life. its sad really... its so sad...

i "look over my shoulder" medically all the time now and probably will for the rest of my life. but right now, aside from the surgery, i am a healthy and happy "young" lady who has beaten the odds again and again. and i plan to continue knocking the balls out of the park, hitting homeruns when the bases are loaded and there are 2 outs with 2 strikes against me...

I got a Matron of Honor!

As I said in a prior post i was pretty stumped on who I was going to ask to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I love each of these women so much! It was a very hard and tough decision!!

But I have made my decision and I have announced it to friends, family and most importantly to the other women standing up with me...

*drum roll*

Candid Beauty is going to be my Matron of Honor. I am so happy she said yes!! It brings me tears of joy and love!

Plus I got a HUGE shocker today as well while talking to MomI on the phone... our cakes alone are going to cost roughly $700 (total not each)!!! Oh My God. I begged and pleaded with her to let us do something different anything, but she said that its worth it and it'll be ok. That it pleases her and my father to no end to be able to pay for our wedding and reception. I asked if there was ANYthing I could do to help and she said "Pay for your wedding dress, invitations, etc and talk to FMIL about hosting the rehearsal dinner and that's all. Just show up and look beautiful!"

I can't believe I get to have the wedding of my dreams. I never thought I'd get to have so much! And the fact that my Aunt C who lives in Indiana GAVE US her centerpieces from her wedding anniversary that match perfectly with our wedding is just.

Oh my god I'm crying....

I'm marrying the most wonderful man in the world and I am so sorry that I was upset about my parents not being able to come and visit me before/after my surgery. Daddy and MomI are throwing thousands into my wedding and I was so petty, I was such a selfish little brat... I am a horrible person for that and I am truly sorry so very sorry. I didn't even ask for them to pay for my wedding! I asked her to make my flowers because she does such a wonderful job at creating flower arraingements and she's going to pay for my wedding!!

I am truly blessed by all the wonderful people I have in my life! I need to keep remembering that and never forget!

i have been so happy!

and been in such a wonderful mood (despite the occasional bitchiness from some pain and hormone meds...but that's normal) and then yesterday, BOOM! leave it someone to make me cry...

And we all know what crying does, don't we?? Yep, muscle spasms...

sigh

but Joe helped me feel better...

Extending the Olive Branch

(that's what CandidBeauty called it)

I have 2 necklaces 1 that says Mother and the other that says Daughter. I am going to be giving BioMom the Mother one. I am thinking of doing it while we're at the Zoo. Maybe while we're standing there looking at the polar bears or something. Or maybe I'll just do it over breakfast Saturday morning...

Either way, I am extending to her a token of love and peace. Our relationship has been so rocky because of her mental illnesses and it can really make it hard to love her. I mean c'mon! She threw gasoline on the house and tried to burn it down around me and my dad when I was 2 years old! Its hard to love someone who has tried to hurt you and has hurt you physically and mentally your entire life. And lets not forget when she said my inability to have babies was my (yes MY) punishment for her not being able to raise me.

These things happened years ago. And sometimes she can revert back to "monster mom". I have to lead delicate conversations with her when we talk, have to keep them neutral and not say anything about my Dad or my Sister Raquel from daddy's 2nd marriage.

But ever since Hephaestus and I split up, she's been coming around. I do not know what's happening on her end of the deal but I do know that she's been calming down alot in regards to the horrible things she says to me and this includes living in her own fantasy world where things happened in her mind but not in reality...

And I can't believe I'm saying this but this past year has been her best so far. I wouldn't give her a "mother of the year" award but I've had to say only twice "Mother, I'm hanging up now I can not talk to you while you are this way" when before it was just about every conversation and I'd puposefuly ignore her phone calls.

I've been afraid to tell her that Taranis and I are engaged because I know she'll want to come to the wedding and I don't want my wedding ruined by her psychotic outburts... I pray that she does not have any while that event is going on in my life!

But that's in the past. Its all in the past. We may be wary of things that have hurt us but we can not live in fear forever and eventually you have to face it head on and full force.

I must face the demons of my past and of my childhood and I will extend out an Olive Branch to the woman who has hurt me more than any person on earth and it will create a barrier around me and keep those demons at bay for the rest of my relationship with my mother. Atleast that's what I'm hoping it does.

times are tough and roads are rough ...then my family makes me cry!

I cried myself to sleep last night. And it didn't have anything to do with my surgery or my back problems... it was all about my family. The family that I thought I was so close to...

Feather (the one that's married to and pregnant by a black guy --ok, he's half black-- and that's not why I have a problem with him, my problem is that he is an asshole and they live in nonsuitable conditions for raising a child and she is 5 months pregnant by him... and he refuses to move to a better living condition for said child growing in her womb...) use to come and talk to me about everything. There are some things I know about her that others do not know... if I blabbed my big sister mouth our parents would NOT be happy with what I know... and that would be bad! So I keep my mouth shut, because she is my sister! But she doesnt talk to me anymore... When I do get a text or email, its stupid forward spam jokes :( and she's expressed no concern over my operation or the fact that I could have lost the use of my leg if we hadn't acted properly and quickly!!

Raquel: so beautiful if she wanted to be a model she could be one but is opting to be a PE teacher instead... she ontop of everything else brought me to tears last night. SHE, the one I love more dearly and so dearly i gave up things I wanted to be able to do to fly to see her Graduate College because she said she wanted me there so badly!!

I have texted and emailed my family with progress and pains regarding this surgery. I truly needed the support of my family mentally to help me through the physical pain... They have always been "oh, ok..." when it came down to my back pain. Like, completely aloof to it. When I told them I was going to have to have surgery it was "oh, really? your having your spine fused together? ok..." like it was no big deal!! when I told them I could use some company, that I wasn't supose to be left alone the 1st few weeks it was excuse after excuse.

Feather: 1st said she didn't have the money. I said I'd pay for it. Then She said she couldn't because of her pregnancy. Well, I know better! You can travel while you are pregnant!! (I didn't say that to her, I told her I understood and said I'd keep in touch) And she has ignored my emails and texts and calls since... Except to email me once since then to send me a picture of her belly that doesn't even look like she is pregnant, its flat "aka looks like a beer belly" and she's 5 months along. Atleast in the picture it looked flat and unpregnant.

Raquel: when I first told her i'd like it if she could come visit she told me she was swamped at her retail job, her bow shooting tournaments and trying to find a teaching job. I said ok and that I understood. Then I find out on FB that she took an impromptu trip with her college pals to Florida to celebrate thier going back to school for thier masters... THEN last night after no status updates about ME (just school or other things) at all or no concern over ME at all I see "is happy that Feather's baby girl is doing great!! she's due in Jan!!".....*crickets*..... really? a status update about Feather's baby!? when there was NOTHING about me almost being rushed to ICU because of a allergic reaction to the medication when I was in the hospital???? NO STATUS UPDATES AT ALL ABOUT HER BIG SISTER AND HOW SHE'S DOING NOT EVEN A FUCKING COMMENT ON MY STATUS I POSTED ON HOW I'M DOING?

so after just trying to ignore it all and telling myself "she's young and going back to school, etc" i finally just broke down and cried and cried and cried and cried so much I gave myself spasms in my back where I had surgery and cried some more. I woke up this morning hating myself for letting myself cry over it and in terrible pain because I KNOW that crying like that was bad for my healing...

And lets not forget the parents... MY Parents had over a week off work and went to Indiana for MomI's sister's wedding anniversary and we met them up there. They could have spent a few days with me before surgery but chose not to. They insisted they had to get back to Arkansas but instead took a few days longer to see my Brother Swift and his kids! WTF! I am going in surgery and they chose NOT to spend an extra day with me and instead went to see Swift and his kids???

AND Taranis' mom said she'd try to come and spend the week with me after I got out of the hospital... LOW AND BEHOLD god forbid ANYONE come and see me! His fucking BROTHERS showed up for a vacation (said it was impromptu) to Florida and ruined the plans for FMIL to come and see me and now because she is stuck in fiscal year close-out she can't get anytime off work for the rest of the quarter! And you know when that ends: the holidays.

We all know that the fucking grandkids come first on the holidays so we wont be visited this year at all by our families. If we want to see them we'll have to go to them! And we know that because I had back surgery we have no money to go anywhere to visit our so called loving families.

Speaking of no money: I'm tired of eating Ramen and $1.00 banquet meals that leave you wanting more. They are good, but not "satisfying"... Since Subway as thier $5.00 footlongs and they are doing the scrabble game again we decided we will go to Subway and eat thier $5.00 footlongs (1/2 for him and 1/2 for me) and play the scrabble game. Its healthy, cheap and its just around the corner from the house, so we are going to do it on our nightly walks that are part of my in-house Physical Therapy.

I'm truly sorry for rambling on and on but I just had to get this off my chest...

And you want to know what's really sick? The one person in the world I thought would NEVER visit me: BioMom is coming for a weekend visit in a few weeks. Yes, the one person in my family I get along with the least is coming to visit me... NO ONE else cared enough. And even though it is late in the game and I'm pretty much 100% independant now, she's coming. And I am shocked. I think hell must have frozen over, after all it is only 65 degrees in the middle of August when it should be bordering 95 degrees...

Need Touristy Chicago Help...

If you've been following my tweets or FB, you'll know that BioMom is coming for a visit in September. She's arriving the 11th late in the evening and departing the 13th late in the evening.

I think we may have it covered and we might end up going to a Schaumburg Flyers game if they make the playoffs and they are playing that weekend... preferably on Saturday... However since there is no guarantee that they'll make the playoffs i need an alternative!!

It's been over 6 years since BioMom and I have seen each other. It was when Hephaestus and I were driving from where we lived in Virginia to move back to Arkansas. Nashville was on the way so we stopped for the night and stayed with them and ended up spending the night and half a day with them. I felt bad just crashing there... and we thought about spending more than just the one day with her, but then her husband cracked open a beer at 9am for his breakfast and we couldn't have gotten out of there faster if our asses were on fire... He and I do not get along when he is drinking, he is an alchoholic abusive person. and I will not purposefully put myself in that situation.

OK! Back to ideas... There is a MiniGolf place near our house that Taranis and I have been meaning to check out. I guess MiniGolf would be fun and I should be more fully healed by then, its over 3 weeks...

The other idea I had was going to the Navy Pier. I've not been there since I went with Crystal in 2003. But that is alot of walking and from what I can tell on thier website: EXPENSIVE!

There is also the Lincoln Park Zoo which is FREE (thank god) and there are benches we can rest and sit on. We've been wanting to go back to the Zoo and we liked the Lincoln Park Zoo much better than Brookfield Zoo (which is way too expensive anyways).

I am trying to think of things that are going to get us out of the house and be interactive. We've not had the best relationship and I fear us being cooped in the house together would bring on bad conversation. As those of you who have followed me through the years know very very well she and I do not get along well most of the time.

As far as I know this is also the 1st time she's been to Chicagoland. And I'd hate for her 1st visit to be a complete bummer and she not be able to experience any of the culture and beautiful architecture. I'd like for her to be able to say she did SOMETHING besides sit in her Daughter's house and play with the hamsters and cats all day...