shoes and racing and sunny days oh my!

friday night after work we decided to hit the grocery store and do a little bit of shopping. wal-mart ofcourse was packed to the brim with people --and not necessary people i'd completely trust (yes, sometimes i do judge a book by thier covers -and it does get on Joe's nerves)

all i can say is: WHITECASTLESLIDERS --tasteless little buggers but so good?! how is that?!?!

and then we're off to target! my new fave store in the world! SUPERTARGET!!!!

NONE of these places had any shoes that i would wear tho... which sucks.

but onward bound! we did find the awesome backpillow thing we're using on the couch (we pushed the ottoman into the joint where the 2 parts of the couch meet -per Titan's suggestion) and well, you know! we found the perfect backsupport and it's awesome. that was found at target... Target, your awesome! ----this makes the sitting space larger on the couch and more open floor plan for rockband playing, dancing and singing --however we need a coffee table.

None of these places had any clothes I would buy but we did find me a Jacket. An AWESOME camo jacket... I can't wait to wear it to work infront of all those conservatives..muhahahahahaha

what was i sayin?

so we came home and rockbanded for a bit and went to bed.

saturday consisted of going to the bank and having them shred my old checks with the arlington heights address and ordering new checks with the new address --all at the bank's expense. nice huh? saved me about $40 bucks right there.

then we headed to the mall and sure enough: i found me some shoes for the winter!!! BOGO PAYLESS you ROCK! I got 2 pairs of boots -1 black and 1 brown- for $20 bucks each if you average the cost out. now that's what i'm talking about!!!

Then for lunch we had the most aweome Phillycheesesteak Sandwich. And played MiniGolf.

We spent the rest of the night playing Video games and being lazy ass people cuz we rock!

and seriously, WHY did we buy SingStar??? it sucks ass most heniously. So badly that I laughed so hard at us trying to sing on singstar that i almost had an accident... thankfully the bathroom is close by.

And what are doing today? Video games, MOFO!!!! video games!!!! i got Joe sucked into Need For Speed again --I decided to try and finish off the 1st in the series so I could "feel good/right" about continueing on with the other installments and ofcourse me and my lameself gotta be all like "honey, i can't beat this --please help me--" and so he's all "ok i'll race your games for you, but you design the cars" and i tell you, i am an awesome designer!!!

~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~
Feeling: too cool for school


Listening to: Need for Speed (yes, still the 1st one)

Now that I'll have weekends FREE!

I'm wondering what I should do with that precious time.

Definatly thinking that I want to start singing again. Maybe I can re-start the creation of Reflection of Illusion. I'll have more money and more time than before. I should call my old music buddies up and let em know I'll be free starting in August...

Question: Should I start doing Karaoke again at Xroads? Should I go to another place that doesn't know me? Or Should I just forget Karaoke as a warmup to the big deal & help with practicing?

I have 2 singing games on the PSIII. Do you think they would help as a practice tool? You only get the music and words. From what I can tell it really does acuratly record pitch, tone, etc. I think it could be good to help get my voice back in shape. I need to download more songs that are complimentary to my voice... Which now I should beable to afford as long as we don't go overboard and just get 1 or 2 a month. And ofcourse instead of skipping the songs that I don't do well on I can force myself to learn and master them making me even more versatile.

I want to make our walks happen on Saturday & Sunday as well. But longer than in the evenings afterwork. Like start out earlier in the morning or later in the evening and walk for 2 hours (3?) instead of 1 like during the week...

I would like to go to more festivals and see chicago. I want to play tourist and do things I've never done before. INCLUDING the zoo, Navy Pier and just walking along downtown... Anyone out there interested in playing tourguide for 2 nutty crazy people from Arkansas???

Definatly want to hit up a few concerts. I know there are country bands that come and play. Joe is a huge country fan while I like a good variety.

I can definatly devote more time to playing SneezyMud with Taranis. I can also concentrate on leveling those new alts I made to replace the ones I created when I didn't know what I was doing....

Instead of creating elaborate meals or wanting to during the week I can always start making Sundays the "feast" day... Make your typical sunday family meals...Altho it is just the 2 of us... Leaving the rest of the week for quick fixes that are healthy & simple. Saturday would hopefully become our date night or we would be so busy out playing tourist that we'd check out a great new chicago style restuarant we'd never had before... I know the 1st meal I'm making on my 1st sunday off is Lasagna. Who ever reads this that wants to join for it is more than welcome, just let me know. Because if you don't, Joe will be taking the leftovers to work and I'm sure that Monday at lunch time there will be MANY happy dock workers chowing down on my lasagna.

Is it 1pm already? Got about 10 minutes and my last load of laundry will be done drying then its off to put em away, take a shower and wait for Joe to come and pick me up to take me to work.

Tomorrow we're suppose to go talk to a dealership. Something about No Money Down... We'll see. Apperantly we're approved. They just better not piss me off like the last time I went to buy a car. We have SOME money we can put down. Since we came back from vacation I've been putting money away Weekly for this purpose. I know I don't have enough for a downpayment, yet... But we'll see what the Dealership has to offer us. Maybe it really will be a great deal and we'll have a 2nd vehicle again.

Oil change in 2 weeks. Perfect timing seeing is how the air isn't blowing as cold and taking longer to cool down. that means in 2 weeks we're taking the blazer in for the A/C repair... Or well for him to use the blacklight on the UV dye he put into the A/C system to see what's wrong with it.

You know, that excedrin back & body really has helped me alot last night and this morning. I'm impressed. Can you develope an immunity to Ibuprophen? I'm sure you can... I just dn't want to go back on OxyContin (aka OxyCodone) again... that shit was HARD to come off of. very addicting and the withdrawals were nasty. I loved being on it tho! It helped manage my pain VERY well... However I was taking Vicodin and 2 other muscle relaxers as well along with it for pain management... That's what I get for herniating L4 and L5.

It's time to go... talk to me! I read comments while I'm work and get *so bored* when you guys don't talk to me :-(

well that was an impressive night!

to start off, when I got off work Friday night I headed down to Crossroads per request and a few of my friends bought me a few rounds and shots.

came home, slept, got up ran to glencoe did my meeting and headed back here to the homestead after picking up the food for dinner.

Crystal, Tazzie & I grilled (he went upstairs to take a shower and we burnt the brats & stuff, lol ---that's the reason women DONT grill!). We had a nice dinner (even tho it was burnt) with friends and then headed to the BAR!

Captain n Coke was my choice of the evening. Along with shots of Jack, a Purple Hooter, Slippery Nipples, Orgasms and gods I can't remember all what I was given! Lets just say it did the trick.

First thing I noticed when I walked in was they had tables with Balloons for me and my friends and Crystal & Tazzie had bought me flowers as well. I was given alot of great funny cards and some with cash :-) but most of the night my birthday present was a shot being bought and a toast made to me & my "amazing voice". (which I'll take those presents anyday!)

They sang hapy Birthday when I got there, around the Middle of the night (which is when they brought out the cake!!!! it was amazing) and sang happy birthday again later in the evening. I got to sing the lastsong of the night: "My Immortal" by Evanescence --I may have been to drunk & butchered it I just remember singing the lastsong and that being the one. I can't remember everything I sang I just know I got up there alot and sang & sang my little heart out.

When I got done singing the song "Hurt" by Christina Aquilera and they said " stay up here " and they started singing the Happy Birthday song (again) I was like what?! and here comes Crystal with the cake, I started to cry. It was a moment that my drunk bum couldn't contain and I let the happy tears roll down my cheek. Then we helped pass out cake to drunk people!

I danced with Tazzie (and he doesn't like to dance and he asked me to dance!) Crystal got blackmail pictures. I had guys asking me to dance all night and girls too. "May I please dance with the Birthday Girl" SURE! Why Not?! I was drunk. lol I didn't care.

That's all I can remember. We closed the housedown pretty much. I think there was a few people straggling behind us but not many. Came home and passed out. Would have loved to come out and had dirty drunken sex that all you remember is that it was really amazing or really bad, lol. But I have no man, maybe next year!

its a start...

while my food choices might not be the greatest, i'd rather eat quick junk food than cook a meal, lol... i am doing better with the excersize. been taking the stairs instead of the elevator at work and during lunch i'm walking around the parking lot as well as my smoke breaks. a few baby steps at a time. within a few weeks i hope to be going walking every other day when i get home. might be next summer by the time i get my shit together and have that bombshell body back, but damnit i'll be celebrating my 28th birthday in a sexy manner, then!

crystal is trying to talk me into letting her measure me and keep track of my measurements (waist, hips, etc) ontop of the scale weight as well. i might cave in and do that. what i wish is that i could do situps/crunches to help get rid of this belly. that's really the only thing i'm dissapointed in. there has got to be something so that i'm not risking injury to my back. yall got any ideas?

she's loaned me one of her pedometer (measures how many steps you take a day) things. i'm not sure exactly what that is suppose to do for me? i know that in general i do get up and walk around alot at work for just filing and stuff, who knows.

the weather here has finally been very beautiful. in the mid/upper 60s and low 70s. its a blessing, really it is. i was getting to the point i was gonna die of the cold i was so sick of it.

one of the boss's sons at work has my desktop. he said the only thing we'll probly beable to do is salvage the files off the hardrive. crystal is going to talk to our head boss and see if they'll let me buy one of thier old computers they can't use anymore (not fast enough/too old for CAD software, etc) and we'll have a desktop again *yay*. i know that i use this laptop far more than what your suppose to. i've always been told that using a laptop alot will cause it to "fall apart" faster. i dont know how true that is, but i do like being able to lounge on my bed like i am right now and relax while on the computer. but i also know that for graphic design and faster processing i need another desktop.

i got one of my "goals" set in motion: the losing weight and i've started another goal in motion today. i've contacted the College of DuPage about starting some night classes. i really want to go into criminal psychology or something along those lines. i dont want to work in an office the rest of my life doing book keeping and accounting, etc etc. i wanna do something that will help people. something that i can feel proud about. i'm not exactly sure what field i'll be going into or studying but i will say this: its going to be (have to be) a combination of criminal justice, medical and psychology. that shit just turns me on!

i've kinda put the whole singing thing on the back burner. crystal and i was talking and she use to do photography and art for a living. one of her greatest passions in life and she burnt herself out on it. i dont want to do that. and i can see myself burning out on the singing already because i dont have the drive and ambition to go out and sing at Crossroads like I use to. it stops being fun and feels like work and i dont want to associate something fun with having to work. altho it'd be nice to be a rockstar and get a little into acting. maybe meet angelina jolie and brad pitt! lol. (she is so hot)

ok, its late and i've rambled enough.

Ok, well....

I have some video on my computer of me singing. I know that everyone said I was great and did an awesome job, but I'm not feeling it when I watch the vids. i've been debating on posting them, but I'm not so sure that I will.

Been seeing Paisley for about a week now. Guess today makes it one week officially. If its even official. Part of me wants to break it all off with him and run away. But he's a really nice guy, he is and I don't want to break it off. I'm so scared.

It appears that I'm looking for reasons to not want to be with him. I think i'm looking for things or excuses to leave. But I find myself missing him. And I find myself wanting to be near him. He's nothing like anyone that I've envisioned in my mind that I would be with. I don't know there is something tho, that deep down I can't quite place it that. I dn't know how to explain it.

Maybe i'm just scared? We've been spending quite a bit of time together. He just seems so shy around other people and I really wish that he wouldn't be. I like a little more PDA than what he is giving. He finally started comming around a little bit thursday night and put his arm around my shoulder. He's so cuddly when we're alone but when we're together its just occasional ya know?

Hell I don't fucking know.

My truck went into the shop friday. Got it back this morning. The gas gauge discrepencies is the Sending Unit on the fuel pump. Its gonna cost about $400 for it to be fixed. Really sucks. But it could be worse. Could be the whole fuel pump and it be a minimum of $400 (that's the least amount a fuel pump could cost). So, in 2 weeks on Friday the 13th of April it'll have the Sending unit replaced. Thankfully its something that I can wait a few weeks and get the money together for.

All in all, I'm a little confused, I'm a little scared. I've met a few of his friends. One of his friend's girlfriends is really awesome and we've gotten close. I really like her. I just don't know what to do about Paisley tho. He says he cares for me alot and that he really likes me. I really like him too. I just dont know if I can picture a much more longer relationship with him than a couple of weeks. Ya know ,we're making plans for the future. Nothing serious like marriage or moving in together, nothing like that. But things that are a few months into the future like whole weekend camping trips, etc.

He doesn't really like to talk on the phone. Which is ok because I'm not a huge phone talker, either as long as I can see the person face to face often. My family, I talk to them on the phone alot.

I don't want to do this, but I think I'm going to break it off. Am I just scared because of how serious this could get? Am I not ready yet? am I not ready to feel these things that he's stirring inside of me? If the other guys I've dated hadn't broke it off first, would I have been feeling this same feeling with them, too?

I need some serious help. I have major commitment issues. What am I going to do?

Happened Again

And I doubt its what you guys are thinking, naughty naughty boys.

What I'm talking about is lastnight. I brought the house down. Meaning I did really well. "Holding You" by Gretchen Wilson, "Call Me When Your Sober" "Bring Me To Life" and "My Immortal" those by Evanescence. Yes, only 4 songs we had some really great singers lastnight. Which is good because I hate listening to bad singers. Blondie sang The Little Mermaid song. I love it when Blondie sings. She is an amazing singer and she doesn't want to do it professionally. Unlike me who seizes the opportunity all the time to talk to someone about it. She'd like for me and her to come up with some duets and sing together. That is really awesome, but we both have 2 different kinds of voices. She has a "musical/opera/broadway" type of voice while mine is the "rougher country/rock". I'm sure if we got together it'd be something really great, tho.

So, someone I know. He looks like he could pass off as Brad Paisley's brother (if Paisley has a brother, lol) or a younger Charlie Sheen. So really it depends on how you look at him. Which light and angle. So, we're just gonna call him Paisley (I like for you guys to know how I come up with some of these nicknames).

Paisley kissed me lastnight. More than once. I didn't want to wear my jacket that I had snagged from TazMan of HeadRush because its warm now and so I wore my usual grey Mossy Oak (brand of camo/hunting gear) long sleeved shirt with my "Wanna See My Tattoo" black t-shirt over it. I got a little warm and he's like "well, lets step outside for a minute so you can cool off, I'm a bit warm myself" he was wearing a long sleeved shirt too, 1 t-shirt underneath with short sleeves and a long sleeved over it. so, we were opposite but he just needed to take off his top shirt the long sleeved one and he'd be ok.

So, the point is. We went outside and he says the one line all men who "want" me say. "You have the most amazing eyes, they were the first and only thing I saw when we first met" Ok, I can't deny that I have pretty eyes. That are rather amazing do I say so myself. And then he kisses me. Just a quick peck and then he's like "I can't help it" and literally just grabs me and goes for it, HOT quick PASSIONATE full of fire and desire. I have not been kissed like that in ages. Just the whole passion of it comming FROM him and FILLING me up inside with it. I bet he's a fire sign. It'd make alot of sense if he's a fire sign because Air (ME) fuels fire. I bet he's a fire sign.

So no, I havn't been kissed like that in forever. I've had a few guys trying to kiss me and I don't konw if their nervous with me or what but they were awkward sneaking behind the building during recess shy kisses. Sweet, but nothing as fiery as lastnight. I think that the last person who kissed me that way was Guy. And that's going on 2 years now. Aries and I never really kissed much except for "Good Bye/Hello" and they were sweet kinda hot kisses but nothing with the intensity and fury of that kiss lastnight.

Listen to me, going on and on about a kiss. Like I'm some love struck high school kid.

I'll give him this much. He's a great kisser. He's a good singer, too (when he tries) has a nice ass, great personality and he likes to hold hands on top of being a great kisser that make my head swimmy. However, I don't know if he's my type or not. I havn't known him for that long and I don't want to repeat mistakes. Actually the only thing I DO konw about him is that he's from South Carolina (or is it North) and his name and that he goes to CrossRoads and we met there. Not much to go on, huh?

We exchanged numbers, so maybe he'll call me. If not, its really no big loss. After all, it was just a kiss.

As you can imagine

Lastnight was nothing compared to Thursday night! But in itself was awesome --once I got off work, lol.

You know what I'm tired of? People talking shit. And I'm not meaning talking shit as in bad mouthing. The talking shit I'm refering to are those that I 'connect' with musically and they are all 'yea lets get together lets see what we can do, I know a few people that are looking for a fresh start with a new/fresh singer and they would love to back up a hot chic with an amazing voice' etc etc etc and it goes on and on. So, we exchange digits and it goes like this: Wait a few days, they never call. Ok. Call them. Get no answer. Leave a voice mail. Wait a week. Delete thier number.

A friend of mine (and this girl is so fucking awesome, I love her to pieces, I know me and her will have a wonderful friendship for a long time) said that she wants to be my groupie and go gaga over me on stage. Both her and her boyfriend work at CR. He's a bartender she's a waitress. They come out on thier nights off (when they're not working a thurs) to see me sing. JUST TO SEE ME SING! ME! and hangout. I told her she could be a groupie and I asked her man if he'd like to be a roady. And his response was 'hell yes! stand up on the stage in front of screaming fans cheering for thier band while tuning guitars, definatly' I then said "so you play?" and he said yes. And I said "screw roady your in the band!" and we all laughed and it was a great time. THEM I know they are serious unlike these other fucks I've met up with.

I've had bad timing my ENTIRE life! I do not need anymore bad timing with this. I'm going out there, I'm putting myself out there and no one is biting and if they do, its just a nibble for a second and swim away. I realized Thursday night that *I* should be up there on that stage. That should be ME with fans screaming and holding out thier hands for me to touch them and dying just to be near me.

I don't want to "make it famous" I want to make people happy. And listening to me sing makes alot of people happy. EVERYTIME I walk into CR i have people saying "sing for me, sing for me" and I have to sing a few songs for them. And once I get going no one wants me to stop. But its 'embarassing' to me to be put on the spot light like that, so I sing one or two and that's it.

However, if it was ME up on the STAGE then it'd be different.

I don't make promises anymore, but I am going to make this one. When I make it 'big' (atleast locally maybe nationally if I'm lucky) I wont be one of those that just walk off the stage and back to my tour bus. I'll make sure I carve away a few hours SOMEHOW to meet with my fans and sign autographs, etc. Even if its before the show.

This needs to happen. I can feel it burning inside of me. I was born to be a rock star.

"as much fun as watching paint dry"

Was my response to Crystal when I came home from work tonight and she asked me how it went.

Aboslutely fucking dead. Including the characters in my book "Night Stalker" the true crime novel about Richard Ramirez. It's been forever, about 14 years I think since I've read this book last. Richard looks like (or I should say D.C.M. looks like Richard) my ex D.C.M. And the fucked up thing is, one of the pages had a note in it saying "I LOVE D.C.M., my Night Stalker". How fucked in the head was I when he and I were together?!

But before I went to work, it was *so much great fun*

I get up around 12:30ish like usual without the assistance of an alarm clock. (Wish I could do that at 5am when going to the firm) Shower, eat a quick lunch etc everything is going smooooooooth as babe's bum bum. Until we leave the house and start walking to the blazer. And that is when I slipped, fell & sprained my wrist. Bruised the entire left of myself.

And the ending to this day is perfect as well. I'm at the gas station, get my ride filled with its food and then I head on over to Taco Bell. Because I am craving a Crunch Wrap supreme. In the drive thru, make my order, go to pull up to the window and I'm stuck. Yeap! I'm stuck on an ice patch that's in a 'pot hole' is what i call it but its thier sunken senser thing-a-ma-jig filled with ice and I can't get out. So, this really nice guy (I see him every sunday night when I get off work, pretty much --he likes my Packer's jacket *giggle*) comes out of Taco Hell and proceedes to help me 'unstick' the blazer. I admit, I eyed him a little. He's a hotty.

Well, I just can't resist myself and I tell the cashier dude to go get him. I asked him if I could buy him a drink one night because of him helping me. We xchanged digits and said he'd call me to set up a date. Other dude was so jelous! lol

So, I think my "partner in crime" at the Resort likes me. But sometimes he sends me really badly mixed signals. Like, when we're out alone on the loading dock smoking (my lunch breaks) he's all over me, hugin me and tellin me he can't wait to go out with me to the concert, etc. And then later he's all stand offish. I can't read him. I really can't and its infuriating.

Here's the break-down, you tell me what's going on in his mind---

Our paths have crossed a few times back n forth in the resort itself and sometimes when he drives guests over to the spa. Then one thurs night we run into each other at CR and we hit it off cuz of my Packers gear. We keep trying to figure out where we 'know' each other from. Then we come down to 'where do you work' and it clicks. HA! That's why we know each other's faces. Awesome. We go to an 'after party' type deal. 2 of his friends meet us there. This whole scenario you've already heard before. Dude1 cops a feel and asks for my digits and I say yes and give them. Dude2 and i start talking music and gettin a band together is a gentleman and scores my digits. MyCrimePartner admits at a later date he is/was jelous and he wanted me for himself. I told him at that later date "dont be so shy with me then".

We meet up last thursday at CR again. Planned this time its just me, him and our buddies. We dancin and groovin to the music and he's lovin my voice and everything. Its a great night. And he's all over me. Tryin to kiss me and love on me and stuff. The bar shuts down and we go home, but not before I back down and let him kiss me in the parking lot. Nothing else happens.

Friday we were suppose to meet up after work, didn't happen. Same thing on Saturday night. Friday & Saturday we met up at work and had lunch together. Again, he was huggin on me out on the dock. Tonight, we run into each other in the hallway of the resort, I have to take an early lunch because the spa was closing really early tonight. He said he'd be down in a few and go on the dock with me so I wasn't alone out there. He never showed up, I went back to my building. Gave it a few hours and I txt'd him if he wanted a smoke with me. Its 12 degrees outside so we're standing really close he's got his arms around me, etc and we're making plans for the concert and suddenly he looks into my eyes and he goes "i want to give into temptation, but ....oh what the hell" and he goes to kiss me! at work! and then the maintance guy pulled up and he was standoffish again. (Which I understand) He went to the bar to say hi to a friend of his back there who works in the bar and then he left and when he did he was with a manager. they seemed 'cool' so I hope he's not in trouble.

When I got off work I txt him and asked if he'd like to meet at my car and wait for his brother and he said "no, see you tomorrow when you get in" and I was like "i'm not working here tomorrow" I've heard nothing else.

I really like him as a friend. And sometimes when he puts his arms around me and he's being all goofy I have these other things stirring up inside that don't belong there! When I first met him I never thought anything towards him as more than a friend and then he started pursuing me in this way and its "catching" like a cold or something, I don't know. I feel kinda longing when he's in the other building, so close but so far away.

I'm just not goin to let him kiss me anymore! We can go to the concert as friends like we planned on before, but I can't stand mixed signals. One second he's lovin on me and the next he's acting like I dont even exist or matter. It could be that he knows I'm "a runner" (the run away girlfriend, lol --he knows about my past to a point of me 'ditching' the good guys who wanted commitment) and he doens't want me to freak out, or he's just not thinking anything.

I hate being single. I want a boy friend. I don't want to have to deal with "what does he want from me" questions anymore and trying to decifer the male actions.

Say My Name & Forgive Me

So, the past weekend has been pretty rough on me. I nearly broke my hand lastnight (saturday night) punching into a brick wall after work. Then cried, not from the pain in my hand but the pain in my heart, from work to the atm and then to the bar. Where I sat and tried to drown my sorrows and it did not help. I feel better today, not so much anger and bitterness as lastnight. This particular wound is starting to heal quickly. Guess a heart that is already shattered and clumsily put back together doesn't take long to heal again. If it really is healing at all. Could just be the bandaids and pieces of scotch tape holding it together.

I thought that after such an awesome night on Thursday that this weekend was going to be a no brainer. The fuck ever was I thinking?

So, remember the guy that screwed me over Christmas weekend? ah, wonderful memories made there, I'm sure! I ran into his father & uncle at CR thursday night. Can't remember if I told you guys that or not. But I did. His father was oblivious to what happened between us. He wanted to know why we weren't going out anymore. He thought it was gettin pretty serious. His uncle on the other hand was pretty cold to me. What lame bullshit. I couldn't say anything to his dad. I was like, ya know, I was just wanting to say hi to you guys, didn't expect to see you here. So the mistake's Uncle was being a complete ass to me and his father was genuinly concerned. He kept lookin over at me and trying to make me smile, if only he knew what his son did. UGH. I'm sure by now the uncle has told the father all about our night on a cold december evening.

But I got over that, I did. I'm not mad about that mistake anymore, it was just a mistake. He doesn't have to be such an asshole about it tho. Fucking men!

So, when I accepted a date on Friday night from someone, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go along with him. But did anyways. Long story short, after making all these plans for the Feb 15th concert with Crossfade & Saliva and staying the night with me because we fell asleep watching "Ghost Ship" and having a genuinly absolutely lovely time, you know what happened? I called him like he requested I do when I got the information on the tickets because some of the start times, etc were conflicting and he wanted the exact price. So, I call him on my lunch break Saturday night and its a fake number. You heard me, its a fake number. A fucking godamned fake number. I was so pissed. I almost started crying right there. Its bad enough to have someone fuck you and dump you on christmas fucking eve but its something alltogether when they just toy with your emotions knowing that your planning a future date, etc (so was mistake and I with the Resort's holiday party) and give a damn fake number.

SO, I held it in. I was polite and curteous to all guests and members. I wasn't letting my emotions or anger show, not that I'm aware of anyways. And its finally midnight, I clock out to go home and I'm still steaming pissed off, etc. What finally drove it home for me to risk breaking a few bones in my hand by punching a brick wall? there was a couple standing outside the Spa kissing. And I flashed back a few years and saw me & Hephaestus instead of the 2 guests.

Hot angry tears started pouring down my cheeks. Then I punched the wall. Got into my blazer, drove to the ATM crying and cursing H, ended up at CR with a bleeding hand and tried to get drunk. Yet, I was so angry it didn't work. Barely a buzz.

Now my hand is killing me reminding me of my stupidity. A new friend of mine who works at the Resort, too was really nice and kind about the whole situation when I told him about it. He just held me because I almost started crying again. He's a really nice guy. I'm glad I ran into him at CR on thursday night and we learned w're both Packer fans, we both hate the bears and we both work for the Resort. Altho we never see eachother cuz i'm in the spa and he's in the main building. But its good to have a new friend.

I seem to be making alot of new friends lately ontop of a few 'not so good choices' in this life of mine. When I got home lastnight I actually contemplated suicide again. Not the first time either in the past few years, as you may or maynot recall when H & I first split up I almost took my life then. And it hasn't crossed my mind at all until lastnight. I'm afraid to drink again at this point. Afraid I may actually get the nerve up to do it. So I'm really scared right now. If one more damn thing happens, I'm afraid I wont beable to stop myself. But I'm a strong enough person I'm sure I have good will power to not let that happen. After all the bullshit I've been through in my life and I'm still alive, I doubt I'll ever end it over something so trivial as men. Altho the idea and thought of not living does seem like a good idea. But I wont do it. I wont do it, I promise you and no lectures, please on the idea crossing my mind and seeming to want to stay around for a while.

On a more hilarious note tho, I got a letter from the Resort telling me that due to my excellent customer service I was in the running for Employee of the Month. Yea, me, the one who is supposedly on thin ice because I'm rude and mean to the guests & members to the point that 'one more incident and I'm canned'.... how is that for fucking ironic.

September by Faktion

How did we get here?
Dirty words and anger
Is it about my fears?
My stomach turns and I exhale
There goes everything
I finally said it this time
I hope it burns you
Like I envisioned in my mind

Chorus:
It’s like this I see you crying
You’re ruined from throwing me away
Our picture is torn into
And it’s you who’s rearranged
You’re falling to pieces
And you’ll always remember my name
You know it’s your fault
So say it again, say my name

Should I stay here?
Trapped inside this vision
I’m forced to overthrow the pain
By poisoning my mind
There goes everything
I finally said it this time
I hope it burns you
Like I envisioned in my mind

Repeat Chorus

Now it’s too late
for any chance to bring it back
Too much has changed, now,
to make up what we lack
By the time I learn to forgive and forget
You won’t remember my name

Repeat Chorus

Forgive Me by Faktion

Concentrating on my knees
Cause they're no help to me
I find myself with simple questions
And simple needs

Bleeding forces gather me
Undo my weakness and appease
My sadness and guilt
Of what was done for me

Chorus:
I'll know what you are
The light in the dark
And I'll see what you are

Forgive me

And I'll take what you are
Over again
I'll need nothing more

Take me

Many voices speak
Many times I am weak
Many things escape
It's part of me
Many chances that I take
To kill you again
It should've been me
And Everyone

Repeat Chorus

Take me
See who you are
Know who you are
See who you are
Take me

Repeat Chorus

Take me

Forgive me

Had an awesome time lastnight

and just woke up 25mins ago.

Lets see, I went out to Crossroads after not having been there in 2 weeks. I tried to sing but my voice isn't quite up to par at the moment so I wasn't happy about it, but everyone else said I sounded fine, just not really like myself. They could tell that my voice was recovering from being sick.

The Miller girls were there lasnight. I got the miller boy to give a friend of mine a tshirt. He tried winning one on this game they were playin, but it didn't happen so I used my 'charms' to get him a tshirt. I did it only for you, A.B.! And I got a free beer outa the Miller Guy lastnight, too. But I think that's thier job so it doesn't count, lol. (And he's married but he's a really cool guy. I like hanging out with them when they come to CR)

A.B. had to go leave early so I migrated to NavyBoy's table (where they'd been trying to get me to gravitate to all night, but I wasn't gonna do it and leave A.B. hanging) then we migrated to another part of the bar to hangout one of the guys who's birthday was yesterday. Lots of moving and stuff. It was a really fun night!!

As I'm leaving I get stopped at the door by this guy and he's saying 'packer fan!' and i'm laughing 'yea, I'm a packer fan, don't kill me' and he's all happy I'm a packer fan. Then 2 of my buddies ask if we're going to thier house cuz the bar is shuttin down and I figure "why the hell not" so me and dude round up his friends and we meet them over at the house. I got another music contact out of it, he wants to do the band thing, too. J does. PackerFan and I work together at the spa as it turns out and he said that he was wondering who one of the maintanance guys were talking about when they talked about 'green bay' at the spa (ME) and so we had fun finding a new coworker/friend that was awesome. This guy is a riot! And then the 3rd guy. He was kinda quiet but we danced a little together. I ofcourse traded #s with all of them because of diff reasons. NO! I wasn't drunk, stone cold sober, lol.

Eventually I finally made my way home sometime this morning after watching all my friends get extremely drunk and pass out. Sometimes, your friends aint that much fun we're your sober. Sometimes, they are absolutely hilarious.

Have a great day! I'm gonna go smoke, start washing my uniforms, shower, then go to work!

Ah, Crossfade & Saliva on Feb 15th! That's the show I wanna go to SO badly. I need a date. TeeJ my drummer boy in Memphis was gonna go but he wont beable to get off work. Who's up for a night of live Saliva & Crossfade!

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Feeling: I was a good girl lastnight, I swear it!


Listening to: American Idiot by Green Day

And the winner is.........

not me.

you should have heard the booing. Ok, well it wasn't a loud booing. But there was a little booing when I didn't even place.

*shrug*

as a good friend of mine said tonight "there is always next time, but you shoulda fuckin won tonight"

and ofcourse, I can't sleep. Been tossing and turning for nearly 4 hours.

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Feeling: dissapointed


Listening to: Evanescence "Haunted"

Big Day Today

Got to stay up late & play my Mustang racing game cuz I didn't have to work today. tomorrow is the Firm's holiday party, so I skipped out today.

Tonight is the Finals. I am so nervous beyond anything. I'm gonna have to start warming my voice up. I haven't spoken a word all day, and that's why. Usually by the time the singing comences I've yelled and laughed and talked on the phone all day with clients. And ofcourse sang in the car on the way to and from work. (If I wasn't sleeping, lol)

So, now its time to practice. I'm so nervous.

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Feeling: Nervous


Listening to: "My Immortal" Evanescence

I made it

i'm in the finals.

i'm so excited.

wow. its amazing.

g'nite and much love to all my fans!

for once.....

I woke up with nothing to do. No 'errands' that needed to be run. No laundry to finish/start. Nothing but my own laziness. Its so fucking awesome to have nothing to do. So I get to catchup on my emails, which is done. And I finally get to burn that CD for my friend. Which I am in the process of right now.

My fan base keeps gettin bigger and bigger, but I'm not famous yet. One of these days, I can feel it. Just have to have the patience and knowledge that all will come when its suppose to begin. I can feel the heat of the lights on my face, roar of the crowd in my ears when I sing a song that's loved by all. I can feel it all. And I love it. I dream of it everynight. On stage, singing to my fans. Loving my fans for everything they've helped me accomplish. And then, after the show, taking that lead guitarist into my bed. The one who's vocals compliments with mine so well.

We're perfect in that dream of mine. We're perfect together. Our voices are made for the other. Our hearts are one, but torn in 2 because we have 2 seperate bodies. And they ache when we are apart.
*sigh*
Dreaming is such sweet torture. I wonder who he is. This man I keep dreaming of. Have I met him yet? His face is shadowed, I can't see it clearly. He looks familair, but that could be my imagination running rampid on me. Taking the qualities of 'guys i have crushes on' and making them one soul. For one purpose. I know he's out there. Question is, when will he come find me? Or when will I find him?

With his piercing eyes that seem to meld from Blue to Green and back again, depending on his moods. That perfectly shaved head. The nose piercing (yes, in one dream he had a nose piercing) and the eye brow piercing he always has, in every dream. And he's so tall. So tall. I'd figure he's about 6'2 or even 3. Built like a line backer. Tall & Thick, strong muscles rippling under the tight shirts. And ofcourse his tattoos. Sleeved on both arms and a few on his back & chest, legs.

Ok, enough of my fantasizing about my dreams. Its time to get ready for work soon.

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Feeling: Its comming closer, I can feel it the snow, not only the change of seasons, but a change in my life.


Listening to: "Cigarettes"-by Seether

The best place around!

Just gotta show some love for my fave bar. The best bar evaaaarr!

I can't wait to go tomorrow night. I'm so stoked. I know, I don't get to sing right off the bat, cuz of the Karaoke Contest still going on, but once that's over I get to sing til close. Its only 1.5 hours anyways. It'll be nice to just hang out for a while and chill with my friends.

Grand AMs, Mustangs, ...cars cars cars

Went and looked at a few vehicles today. The pontiac had the right price, but way too many damn miles for as much traveling as I'll be doing in it, over 200k. No fucking way. The mustang looks like the right price and miles, but its a stick shift and needs the clutch replaced and a few others things, estimated about $300 worth of work, so I'm not sure on that.

There are a few more prospects, and we'll see. I'm SO ready to have my own vehicle again. Taz is being a spaz about the whole 'vehicle' thing at the moment. Its nerve racking.

I've been reviewing new material for Karaoke, mainly for the contest, semi-finals. That, and I'm sure everyone gets tired of hearing mostly the same songs over and over. I try and vary it every week. But, there are always those songs everyone says "your singing **** right?" and i'm like, yea I will, and the next ya know. Ya know? And its usually a certain few, and that takes up all the time I have for singing.

Right now, I'm just really really bored.

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Feeling: bored


Listening to: Godsmack "I stand Alone"

ok, so yea....

I guess I'm just a little depressed today? Taz is out visiting his family in the truck. Crystal is out with her dad in the blazer. My sunday tradition of going to shorties, gettin a hot dog and watching the 1st half of the packers game is shot, I don't even feel like watching the game. yea, i know, that is terrible of me.

I went out lastnight, had a great time. Obviously. As soon as I walked in the door there was these 2 guys hitting on me. It was too funny. But no, I stayed at the bar and I was a good girl. Got to hang out with MM & MM'l, which was great. I love those 2. Everyone keeps asking MM'l and I if we're sisters. I guess we do favor a bit. But we're not sisters. Altho, I told her I'd be her sister and she just grinned and gave me a bunch of kisses on my cheeks and said she'd love that.

Other than that, nothing real exciting. The power went out in the pool lastnight for no apperant reason and had to make everyone leave temporarily while we waited for the SpaMcDreamy to fix it.... Ugh, I wish he didn't have a girl friend. Too hot and sexy. And he's a total bears fan, so he absolutely hates it when I call him Favre. He grows out his beard/gets ...uh, whats the word for it? Damn. But you ladies know what I mean, when they have a gotee and don't shave thier cheeks for a few days, that, yea... giggle, so hot on him! SO HOT! And he's just hot.

Losing track.

Ok, so me and him have smoke breaks together alot. He's awesome. But, yea, he's enganged. Pooey.

He fixed the power and the lights came back on. I was teasing and told him he was my "god" now, lol. He just loves it. And I love teasing and tormenting with him. Razing eachother about our Teams. (Him bears, Me packers). We get along so great, I'm glad for that.

Damn, I'm hungry and I want shorties! UGH! I'm not going to have time to eat before I go to work unless I make a sandwich here.

~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~
Feeling: Borderline Depressed


Listening to: "Fucking Hate You" - Godsmack

666

My last post was post #666. Freakin awesome, but I'm drunk? Nah, buzzin good.

So, I got off work at the spa and decided to go out, sometimes I do on saturday nights.

2 guys that were there tried to get me to leave to go out with them, alone. One of em was pretty wasted. the other, not so much. It was funny as shit, but I stayed and chatted with MM & MM'L. I love them, thier freaking awesome..

So, I don't know. I was asked to go out later with a friend of mine, havn't heard from them. I was gonna wait in the parking lot of cross roads for them, but decided that's not such a good idea, so I'm home.

Work was pretty smooth, I guess. Lots of college Football guys there cuz of the game again Northwestern. Arkansas did really good. Beat the Volunteers 31 to 13. GO RAZORBACKS! Woot Woot. SOOOEY PIIIG!

I love my state. If only the Packers were doing as well. *sigh* its heart breaking, really. I thought they were gonna be on a winning streak, but lost last sunday. Here's to crossing my fingers they kick ass tomorrow/today.

I think I'm going to bed. Is it considered being stood up if your just friends?

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Feeling: dissapointed


Listening to: Silence

I Feel Voilated

It's MY song! EVERYONE was standing there in shock as this girl BUTCHERED MY SONG. (Evanescence's "My Immortal") Standing there, looking at me as the horror washed over thier faces mouthing at me "What is this? What is she doing?" One of my drunken mates offered to throw her off the stage and demand the Karaoke guy restart it for me. That was SO sweet of him!

And, I admit, I felt voilated. I looked at my friend R, (can't come up with a name for him) and sad "I feel voilated". He just laughed. I, yea, its crazy. But still. What gave her the right to sing MY song! What the FUCK. Damn bitch. UGH

On a side note, and a really awesome note... I got 2nd place lastnight in the competition and I advance to the Semi-Finals! *YES*!!!! I sang Evenescence's "Bring Me To Life". What's even better is the Finals are being held at Cross Roads. MY BAR! My people. I'm so much more excited about this time than I was lastime.

I need some advice tho. And, btw, from what I've heard, this place CoachHouse that I'm about to mention, is basically a place where drunks go to get laid, from what I've been told. I don't know... Never been there.

Alright, here's the deal. There is this Guy. We'll call him J. So, J and I met at Cross Roads, we've hung out and had a great time, he's helped run off the 'unwanted' advances of other men. Well, the past few weeks, he's been making his own advances. And has kissed me. It was nice, don't get me wrong. He's a great kisser. *sigh*

So, I told him, the thursday before my Aunt & Mysterie died, to figure out what he wanted from me. And then we'd talk. As much as I would love to let myself go and have crazy wild sex with him, I can't, I wont. I'm not that type of girl. The next week, I didn't go out cuz of the deaths, the week after that he didn't show up. So I figured he was mad at me. Last week he shows up. Sits next to me and we're hanging out. Well, my friend R (the one I mentioned earlier I can't come up with a name for) shows up and I get this look of, I don't know how to describe it, from J. He gets up from the spot we're sitting at and goes to sit somewhere else. I tell R I'll be right back and ask J what's up? And I express to him DEEPLY that R is NOT my boyfriend, just a pool playing buddy. He seems satisfied at the moment and tells me to go talk to my friends, that he's not going anywhere.

I go back to sit with R, MountainMan and MM's ol' Lady. (Mountain Man cuz he sings the song "Play me some mountain music") Well, MM & MM'L end up wandering away to only the gods know where and its just me and R. I'm singing as well, and getting called away by other people I know. I made it a point to walk by J and rub his bald head (He shaves his head) and give him a peck on it when I walk back. So he knows, I'm still thinking of him.

R ends up leaving early in the night. As we're sayin our goodbyes another friend of mine The BackDraft King (he created this drink called a "Back Draft", basically its liquour, I not sure what is in it, you light it on fire, cover the glass, let it sit a sec, take it like a shot, slam your hand back over, let the fumes build up and hit it like your taking a hit off a bong, it'll kick your ass and fast) Well, BDK is walking by and offers to me sit with them and other people. I accept and end up walking back n forth between my seat with BDK and Italy's (this awesome older Italian guy -altho he looks french- who is buddies with PlumberBoy & Kreuger) table.

J says he's leaving. And he left. I stayed, he hugged me g'nite and said he'd call or see me thursday. I said "ok".

Lastnight, long story short, the same damn thing happened. I'm sitting with MM & MM'L, J shows up and sits at our table. I'm constantly up moving around and hopping from table to table cuz of friends (I'm a busy gal lol) and R shows up. He sits with us, MM'L goes wandering. J leaves to the bar. For a while its just me and R. Which is cool, cuz we have good talks.

R leaves. J is still alone at the bar. MM'L & MM leave. I ended up closing down the bar lastnight (Didn't have to work at the Firm today, just the Spa). This one guy that was giving me "eyes" across the bar bought me a round for last call. Which was cool, but I'm not interested. He notices my eyes on J and says he's leaving. I told him to come back next week and he said he would. Hell, more friends is just great with me, ya know?

So J sends me a text telling me he'll meet me outside, while I'm in the restroom. And when I go out, he meets me at the blazer. Kisses me again. I asked him if he'd thought about what he wanted from me. And, basically. He wants a friends with benefits routine. When I turned him down for sex (again) he said he was gonna go to CoachHouse and get drunk. He acted like he was mad, I confronted him about it, he said he wasn't mad he just wishes I'd let him have me. *ugh*

Which, I don't understand that shit. I really don't. So, no, I don't need advice, I need an explanation.

What FUCKING difference is there between friends with benefits & boyfriend/girlfriend? If you don't have enough time for a girlfriend or boyfriend you obviously don't have time for friends with bennies relationship either. Fucking men and thier copouts. No, I didn't have sex with him. And I wont. Definatly will be stopping the whole 'letting him kiss me' deal as well. And he's such a nice guy, too. Oh well, life goes on. I guess I just got me another friend? lol, I doubt he'll be too much friendly with me after he realizes that I wont be playing this game anymore. I told him straight up I'm not in for that kind of situation at all. And left. I wasn't nasty or mean or rude. I told him we could talk if he wanted to, but unless thier is something more than just friends, and it has to be a while into the whole 'relationship' before I'll do the deed with someone.

I've learned my lesson. I'm not going through that bullshit again. Someone woos you just to get you into bed. If I want an orgasm or just sex I can give it to myself, I don't need a man.

However, for the relationship part, I think that's a little hard to do alone, snuggling up to a warm body. Altho, my Drakkus does make a nice stand in temporarily. I love snugglin with my baby boy.

Now that's over... Everyone loved my Hair. BartenderT said it fits the whole "Evenescence" theme. That is so cute! Crystal hates it. Everyone at work loves it. Well, at the firm they love it. We'll find out the response of the Spa's co-workers tonight.

Thier is another guy. We'll call him JC for now. JC and I have been talking for a while. We've went out on a 'date' you could call it, I guess. We talk on the phone. Alot of the time, tho, our schedules don't match. He called me yesterday morning on my way to work. My phone rings at 715am and that's unexpected. He said he just wanted to say hi. And possibly come by my work tonight at the Spa. He said he'll be up at Midnight when I get off work if we want to make tentative plans. This guy, has drem man written all over him. He's SO tall. And he's a 'big' guy (Its muscle and just enough love handles). He told me he wants just a friends with benefits thing. (What is up with that?) But I turned him down. Told him no thankyou. But, he's still calling? And wanting to hang out. So, is he hoping that I'll change my mind, or does he get what I was sayin before? If you don't have time for a relationship you don't have time for a friends with bennies, if your gonna make time for a benefits relationship and you 'honestly like the person' maybe you should just be like "ok, boyfriend girlfriend here come". I'm rambling.

I have just talked about a whole bunch of shit I wasn't going to talk about on here. I have the option of deleting it all now, or hitting publish.....
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Feeling: Men/Guys/Boys confuse me...


Listening to: Bush "Mouth"

I did it again

I went out yesterday and got s'more hair dye. As you all may recall this past summer I had a friend of mine dye it. It was suppose to be medium brown with red chucks and it ended up being red all over so I got some dark brown hair dye to fix it. Well, the dark brown started to grow out (and fade terribly) and you could tell it was a dye job. As well as my gray starting to come out again.

I LOVE it! Crystal hates it. She says its too dark. I'll have to take some pics and show yall soon. I'm gonna give it a few days to 'settle' before I take any pics. Probly after I get it trimmed again on Monday. I need to get my dead ends trimmed, about an inch to 2 inches.

The karaoke contest starts tomorrow. Wish me luck? I hope I win this time. Last time I qualified for the Semi-Finals at ShadowBar, but this time I'm gonna do it all at CrossRoads. I don't know where thier holding the Finals at. Probly at ShadowBar again, I'll say when I get the details.

I'm so excited. I'm going to sing Evanescence's "Bring me to Life" (aka Wake Me Up Inside) tomorrow to qualify for the Semi-Finals. There are going to be 10 people competing and only 3 of us will walk away with a shot at the $1,000. I believe there will be 3 weeks of competing to get into the Semi Finals.

Well, I'm off to bed. We have some majorly important clients comming in tomorrow so I have to dress up extra nice and wear makeup, heels, a skirt, etc etc. So I have to wake up extra early to do it all.

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Feeling: Loving my hair


Listening to: Godsmack "Greed"