can't sleep...

clowns will eat me...

Thank you, Stephen King! I don't believe you've truly frightened me until now...

I've always found your works entertaining and suspenseful but never frightening... like I said, until now....

Please protect me from the clowns....

I knew there was a reason I was avoiding this book (and movie)... bringing my fear of clowns to life...

randoms before the hospital...

i leave in an hour for the hospital. another epidural. i am praying this takes and undones what the old doc did in regards to my pain level. i have never had this much leg issue before. not even when i first injured myself. i mean, why does my leg feel like its barely hanging on by the tendons?? i know what the MRI showed, that bad disc is all hard and nasty and pushing into my spinal nervy column thingy. and it burns! oh gods it burns sometimes in my back like a fire and my muscles start to spasm and i can't walk right for hours.

(yes, i am trying to not be so serious or else i'll bawl and bawl)

you know its kinda scary when your man is caressing your leg and your like "was that a fly" and he pushes harder and so THAT feels like a caress... yeap, losing sensation topicaly. have we touched that yet? i think we have, i don't remember anymore.

i talked to my dad last night. the deal fell through with them selling the house. the buyers backed out at the last minute and decided they couldn't afford it. wtf? good thing they hadn't put in an offer on the property they wanted...

havn't heard from Pebbles on her baby status. (she dropped the bomb at Raquel's graduation...) per daddy she was supose to go to the doc (for the 1st time) yesterday. and my texts have gone unanswered...

speaking of texts gone unanswered... i think my phone and/or carrier might be the issue. CandidBeauty doesn't get my texts either sometimes. and Suga claims to not get any at all yet i get hers no problemo but we're still on the fence as to her true friendship quality... it wouldn't surprise me one bit if she was purposly ignoring my phone calls and texts.

i should send out a new wedding file to my peoples... some stuff has changed since i did last...

ps... i woke up this morning and joe was all snuggly on me. i loves him!! i love waking up in his arms and falling asleep with my head nustled on his chest. gives me all fluttery feelings when i think of it.

Beyonce "Halo"
Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But, I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

and then last night i was flicking through music ondemand and found some shinedown songs... and Candid Beauty had touched a few days ago about how eminem's lyrics affect her and the prescription drug stuff... shinedown has always gotten me with these 2 songs... i use to play them constantly and once upon a time they were my ring tones...

"45"
Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
Keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
I'm swimming through the ashes of another life
There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

[CHORUS]

Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe

[CHORUS]

"Save Me"

I got a candle
And I've got a spoon
I live in a hallway with no doors
And no rooms

Under a windowsill
They all were found
A touch of concrete within the doorway
Without a sound

Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland

How did I get here
And what went wrong
Couldn't handle forgiveness
Now I'm far beyond gone

I can hardly remember
The look of my own eyes
How can I love this a life so dishonest
It made me compromise

Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland

Jump in the water
Jump in with me
Jump on the altar
Lay down with me

The hardest question to answer
Is why

Why

Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland

Someone save me
Someone save me
Somebody save me
Somebody save me
Please don't erase me

once you stalk you just can't stop?

Anyone else out there "check in" on someone that they dislike?

Is it unhealthy? Is it stalking?? Its just reading thier profile information... thier status updates. They don't even know I'm doing it! Tell me that makes it right...

But I know its wrong, because everytime I go there I am hoping and praying to see "sad" or "dissapointed" and I am SO elated everytime I do... Wow her miserableness just makes me so damn happy!!!

So how can I get this person out of my head? I am pretty sure that if she knew where to find me online she'd be doing it too, especially since I have a blog. I just wish her shit wasn't locked up to friends only...

I gotta stop checking in on her accounts but somehow I just can't stop!! I want to see her fail and I want to see her miserable. I want to see her in the kind of pain and misery she caused me to be in for a while. I want to inflinct upon her the pain that I feel still because of her.

Yes, its scary and its unhealthy. No, it wont go beyond stalking her updates. I'm not going to go out there and kill her. I hope that eventually it all just drops away.

I have never met her face to face. But she's also another reason I want to move away from Illinois. I do not want to be in the same state she's in. When we planned our trip to Florida I learned from her updates a few days later SHE was going to be there at the same time. Secretly I wished we'd run into her so I could punch her in the face. But she was in a different part of Florida than we.

I know its unhealthy and I know its not cool and I know I know I know. But I HATE her and I want to make sure she is no where near me... I'm afraid I'd hurt her really badly if I ever saw her face to face... And she lives too close for comfort... Yes, she does... She really does.

I got issues, dude. I got serious issues regarding this person. And I must get her out of my head.

And just to clarify: checkin on her updates is one thing... physically seeking her out is another thing entirely and I do have that much self control...

god forbid we ever see each other by accident........

223 Days...

Remember Yesterday? About me getting really pissed off?

I'm not ever going to be ready to "talk about it" in its entirety but the situation *IS* so fucked up that I actually had Joe take me to the store and buy me cigarettes. I had on NO shoes on (sandals in this weather does not count) and wore my ripped open clothes. I was so distraught I fell down the front of the cabinets in the kitchen and ripped open my clothes and destroyed them. They were my favorite pants. I wailed like a banshee for a bit. And then my contacts fell out and it "sobered" me up...

I have never felt that my emptiness in my heart since Mysterious and AuntE passed away litterally hours from eachother and there was nothing I could do about it.

So in all honesty, I am resetting my counter from 223 days and some odd hours to today. I just had a smoke.

Joe took me out to Coldstone to help make me feel better. We laughed. I still don't know how I'm suppose to feel about this... I'm a mess inside.

Part of me wants to pretend that everything is fine. But I know its not. And it wont be for a while. And I'm using it as a crutch to smoke. On the outside I'm pretending that nothing is amiss in my life. On the inside I am screaming and lashing out.

What did I do in a pastlife that has caused me to go through so much torment and pain in THIS life??? It never fails, once I think I'm living "drama free" and everything is going to be perfect..... BAM -slap in the face.

Accomplishments v/s Roadblocks...

Vacation is finalized and approved.

We found and reserved a *REALLY CHEAP* rental car.

I have yet to get my W2 from TheFirm or Unemployment, we'll be getting TheSpa next friday.

Hephaestus and his family is going to keep Drake, Nilla and Lo-Jack for me.

My Daddy thinks I'm crazy for talking to my ex and his wife.

I got 100% trophy on Dracolich Lair.

I've lost some of my sneezy pals b/c some Immortals interfered without permission and I made it public knowledge that I don't want interference and so it seems that instead of being proud of themselves and what they can accomplish they want it all handed to them.

We are on a diet and I will *STICK* to it! Both at work and at home.

At work they always have Cakes from the prior day that were served to the guests, they don't know the meaning of "low starch/carb, this is not dinner this is lunch so keep it light", I'm going to eat nothing but soup but sometimes thier soup is nasty. I'd go with just salad but I'd have to take my own ranch dressing... Maybe I'll just take my own packets of ranch dressing. they don't carry ranch dressing. BLUE CHEESE *GAG ME* and Creamy Caeser... wtf dude, give me my ranch!!! -this makes me want to cry.

I hate it when your sitting at work and a song comes on the radio that makes you overflow with emotion and you try everything you can not to cry... And the song, of all songs is: "Dirty Little Secret" by The All American Rejects. Why does this song make me cry? Because Venus and Taz had an affair on Suga. And I kept the secret. And so Venus was my dirty little secret. And I had that song for her as my ringtone. Everyone knew that she and I did m3th together. Along with other things. She encouraged me to sleep with Taz's brother and that ment I cheated on someone with said brother. And I try to tell myself it was the drugs I was on (both legal and illegal) that was the reason why, but in the end I didn't care. --wait, I promised we wouldn't go through that part of my life again..Sorry!

So I'm sitting there and I havn't heard this song in ages and its "Dirty Little Secret" and I think of how aweful we were, the drugs and drinking and lying. But in a way I miss her. But we would never trust eachother again. We use to say we were girlfriend and girlfriend but with an option relationship we could only sleep with other guys... We made out alot but never actually went completely all the way. I don't know what it was about her that made practically everyone want to fuck her, but even I did. Venus venus venus. Now she's engaged to someone in the military and she's got a daughter now. She probably doesn't know that I know this. We stopped being friends when I told her I wasn't going to live that lifestyle anymore. So I have these conflicting emotions in me, missing Venus and Suga and Taz and everyone back home. I'm feeling shame and longing at the same time. Sigh.

Man sometimes I *REALLY* fucking miss the m3th. I do. Just like I miss the smokes. And sometimes I miss the c0k3 too. (yes, i realize i'm putting numbers for the letters so people can't google the word and find my blog, stupid or smart idea??) I definatly miss my life the crazy stupid life that was spiraling downward to no where. But I wouldn't give up my current life to go back to that. I have a future now and I'm proud of myself.

Ok enough of this shit. My cat is curled up on me and friends is on tv.

Karen misses her Jack...I miss my Suga too. I wonder if a few hours on saturday is long enough to meet up with some of them for a few minutes. Have to keep Suga and Jack seperate.

significant others' family...

Eventually one of these days I'm going to meet FMIL (Future Mother In Law). I remember that the 1st impressions given to the XMIL (Former Mother In Law) were not the best: H and I were sitting on the couch talking with her on her 2nd visit and 2nd time she met me. We were holding hands and she says "There is a cute nurse that just started at the hospital, H. I can get you her information and have her call you. It'd be good for you to go on a date with someone." Yes, She said that in front of ME! Sigh.

So I guess I can understand her digress. I mean did you read this post? We'd been dating for a year or so before we finally met. And i'm sure she'd had her fill of horror stories about me...

So, the point is! I'm kinda nervous. She sent me a birthday card last year and we hadn't even spoke yet! I was totally nervous when Joe left for DC to visit her while she was there last April. Everything turned out fine. She said she wished I was with them. That's sweet.

So in late September when I was mass E-Mailing our new address because we were moving I asked Joe if he'd like for me to include his Mom. And he said yes. This began the "lets communicate in pictures" deal so I spam her with lots of pictures that I take of Nilla, Lo-Jack, Joe and Drake. She would respond via phone call to Joe and have him thank me for the wonderful pictures, etc. So he was the mediator.

Last Monday I emailed his Mom because I was doing the normal picture emails and I vented a little about my work stuff. Joe said she's in a similair spot and would understand what I am going through. And I also added in there that I no longer work on Mondays for now.

So when Joe gets home and we're sitting down having dinner his phone rings. And its his mom. She says "Have Jenny call me. So I have her number and I want to just say Hi." I think to myself "Am I ready for this? What if she hates me? Oh gods I can't do this." But I did. And we talked for 5 minutes. A quick "Hello" it was ok. I didn't freak out. Altho I thought I was going to.

My phone rang today. We had a nice simple conversation for about 30/35 minutes. Mostly about doctors and supervisors and the fact that She would like for us to come visit --and live there. Oh to live in Florida! Don't know if I could live in Florida or not. I'd definatly have to take better care of myself. And I'm sure there would be more fun things to do. Like diving and swimming, etc.

My friend Coolio and I talked a little bit today too. He said he put in for Hawaii, Florida and Arkansas for his next transfer. That would be awesome if both of our families ended up in Florida together.

Oh well. Watch the videos of the hamsters in the prior entry. They are too funny! And lots and lots of pictures and some lyrics and a comptability test this past weekend too.

I can't wait to meet FMIL. But I'm scared she wont like me. And the bad thing about being the "girl after" is sometimes the significant others' family liked the Ex and can be hostile towards the "girl after the divorce". I've seen it. Maybe I'm just too paranoid for my own sanity.

2009 Is Here

So I guess I should say... Happy New Year!

we went out last night and watched the movie "Bedtime Stories" it was very cute and very funny! and it might also be the only movie i've ever seen Adam Sandler in that he wasn't cussing worse than a sailor.



I'm slightly moody this new years day, i took my last of my monthly pills yesterday morning and the day after is usually a nice swing into the ugly green monster land... and sure enough, i didn't even see it coming and there she is. the smallest things bring her into life the day after the last pill. thankfully i have a man that understand that this can not helped and it is chemicals and medications that i have to consume the last 5 days of every month.

so my 1st new years resolution I guess would try (again) to get my doc to take me off the pills at my next appointment in June. Which... depending on what we decide I guess I could go on different medication (in conjunction with the meds i'm already on) that would kind of enhance the ugly green monster just the slightest. Yes, I'm speaking of fertility drugs. 2009 could be the year we get pregnant. Or it could be another year that I stay without child. And i don't want to think about it right now, cuz i'm missing my family ALOT right now. And when i'm home sick the ugly green monster seems to be amplified.

Back to the last day of 2008...

Woke up at 5:30 am to take Joe to work. We went and got coffee first which was a very nice treat. Dropped him off about 6:30 and waited at the mechanic's until about 7:15. After about an hour he came in and said "I know what's wrong with your truck: #1 you don't need a front end alignment and its not the missing lugnuts/bolts causing your truck to shake badly. Your passenger tire is seperating, the belt is broke. Most likely a pot hole did it. #2 you need a complete new set of front brakes, etc. Your rear brakes are fine. All that combined with the oil change and the routine maintenance your bill will be about $250." I said "whoa, seriously? that's like $100 less than I estimated from prior work" and he just smiled. I was seriously in awe. I love my mechanic (for vehicle purposes only).

Now I just need to buy 2 new tires to replace the one that keeps going flat (slow leak) and the one that seperated which happend to be the spare in the 1st place! I've had such horrible luck with tires on that blazer that I kept having to rotate the front tires between the good ones and the spare. What's now the passenger front will become the spare and we'll buy 2 new tires for the front. My rear tires are still in very good condition (thankfully) and I'll get the tires next month. Our budget is shot to hell right now for January.

I then went to walmart and traded back a christmas gift (I got the same book from 2 different people) and got us some Fritos and Quesa dip to go with the Subway sandwhiches I got us for lunch.

After chatting it up with some folks from his work and waited on the last load to pick up we went to the market and got us some alchohol for new years eve. Then we went home and then to the movies. After the movies we made dinner and I drank 2 pineapple coladas and 4 mudslides and still didn't get drunk. Slightly buzzed and very sleepy!!! Joe had a whole bottle of wine to himself and got very buzzed.

I was starting to feel something after the 2 colodas and the 1 mudslide but then we --we had some fun-- and it was all over after that. I couldn't get more buzzed than I was!

We accepted defeat about 11pm and went to sleep. During which I ended up turning off my phone because every 5 minutes someone new was calling or texting me. I have never turned off my phone before. Even on mute/vibrate it was waking me up vibrating on the carpet. I woke up this morning about 7am and crashed out on the couch next to Joe playing our game. Finally turned on my cell about 11am and surprisingly no voicemails!

And here I am! hopefully the ugly green monster has showed herself for the last time today (my computer was dying on me and turning itself off and I was bitchy and joe wanted to help fix it and i wouldn't let him and it was just nasty but he still loves me!) and eventually he did get it fixed. And my battery is working fine now (grumbles) but his is not (laughs). Oh well, stupid technology.

We had french toast this morning and i'm cooking the blackeyed peas and ham right now in the crockpot. its' making my tummy talk it smells so good!!!

Joe's mom gave us her old digital camera (which is twice better than the one we did have) it's amazing and an Olympus. Gave us extra batteries and memory cards as well as a case to keep it in, etc.

So to make a long post even longer here is my list of things to accomplish this year (I have no resolutions, thier made to be broken) in no particular order:

*get off the medications
*become healthier and more fit
*get the medical bills paid off
*either be pregnant or have given birth by 2010
*buy a new vehicle by next winter (and try to keep the blazer, too)
*have more money in the savings account
*be even more valuable to the company I work for
*visit each family atleast once
*post more to my blog

Have A Seat, While I Tell You A Story

28 1/2 years ago I was born. It was a stormy night. Tornados. My birth mom was in some severe pain with me. I didn't mean to be a pain --but I was indeed. My grandparents tell me I was the perfect baby. I didn't cry. I was never fussy. But I wanted my mom's attention. But that attention was never given to me. My father took care of me with my grandparents. And eventually some mental problems that my mother has ended up in my parents getting a divorce.

While the divorce was going on I was in foster care. I obviously don't remember being in foster care. I do remember living with my Aunt when I got older. I remember thinking that her 2 sons were my brothers. And I remember how confused I was when my father had finally gotten the courts to give him full custody of me... All thanks to grandparents: My Birth Mother's parents helped my father fight for me in court.

I can't thank them enough. I love my mother, but I am lucky to have been raised by the greatest man in the world. He's not always perfect, but he's perfect in my eyes. Whether it's the memories I have of him playing in his band and watching them on stage to seeing him preaching on the pulpit. I am proud of my father...

I made a few mistakes in my life. Mistakes that I thought would make my father want to disown me. The first one was when I lost my virginity, but as any father would he yelled at me and grounded me and told me I should thank my lucky stars the pregnancy test came up negative and I wasn't pregnant. 3 days later my period started. I hated him then. But I look back and see he did what he did because he loved me. And I thank him now for all the groundings, the yelling, the times he took a belt to my ass, etc.

I did my share of skipping school and experemting with drugs and just being a stupid teenager. But most of that stopped when daddy got hurt and had to go on disability.

Because of my "circle of friends" I've not always had the best taste in the people I dated. My boyfriends were "thugs" --or I should say "wanna be thug" and they were all much older than me. I've always been "more mature" than all my friends because I had to grow up way too fast. I use to work to help support me and my father while we waited for his disability to go through after his accident. I always figured that if I found a good enough man that he could help me help support me and my father --but none of my boyfriends wanted that. They wanted sex. and to get high and drunk. And I love sex. So they got sex...and i wanted to get high. and i wanted to be drunk. Sigh. I hate admiting that.

But I ended up meeting someone different. And the 1st night I met him he was the most amazing man. He told me everything that I'd longed to hear from a guy. He was a few years older than me and and I was still in high school. I was kinda friends with his cousin. And his cousin set us up. It was great at first. All fun and games. He'd drive from where he lived to see me every weekend. While I was working he'd stay with his cousin and when I got off work we'd spend our time together. One night I got drunk with his cousin and a friend of CousinRs and cheated on him. I was a mess afterwards and vowed it'd never happen again. I confessed to H and he forgave me. He kinda freaked at first, but understood I made a bad judgement call --and agreed to forgive and forget.

One weekend we all did something really stupid and his car ended up getting impounded and he lost his job because there was no way to get him to work. By this time I was no longer in high school. But I was working fulltime for Raquel's mom at her Tanning Salon and taking classes at the local nursing home.

I have to say that the great thing about where we lived is I had alot of great friends. And those friends of mine became his friends as well. And we tried to get it to where he could live with me at Daddy's --but daddy didn't like my boyfriend. Didn't matter he was smart and tall and cute. Daddy didn't like him but wanted to be fair to me. But would not let him move in with us. So he ended up staying with his cousin and our friend Coolio back n forth and one of thier uncles who was on the road alot. Soon fall came and I was working fulltime at the hospital. I was going back n forth between Daddys, Coolios and cousinR's and thier uncles' place. Hephaestus got a gig with the fair when they came to town (he wasn't working and I was torn between money for my dad and money to give H). The guy at the fair gave H a fulltime gig running with them. And off he went into the sunset, he was going to be a Carnie and send money home for us to save and get our own place...

(I don't like talking about this next part)

Coolio and I drove to one of the sites they were at --about 3 months after they'd left town. H had been writing me, but I couldn't really write to him since they moved around weekly. But Coolio and I went to Pine Bluff and spent a few days there. H paid for our hotel rooms. He hadn't sent me any money at all, btw. I was trying to save up and help daddy. But by this time daddy had met his current wife and his disability had come through. --they weren't married yet but he was with her alot and she worked at the hospital too.

So one night, a friend of mine asked me and another friend of mine if we'd like to come over for a birthday party for her. This friend of mine had always tried to get me to date him and I told him over and over I had nothing but friends feelings for him. I got wasted and passed out. And he took that opportunity to take advantage of the situation... My friend's husband kicked him to the curb. I didn't contact the police because we were all under 21 and didn't want my friends to get into trouble. Instead we used the good ole boy club and I contacted CousinR who I wanted to contact H and have him come straight home. I wanted him home with me. I felt unsafe. CousinR and his friends took matters into thier own hands. H came home once he found out what happened. He quit his job as a carnie and was mugged in Little Rock on his way home to me.

H got a job with Coolio working at Tyson. I was still working at the hospital. Coolio said H could move in with him because his mom moved in with her mom to help take care of her. Now --we were ok at this point. We didn't really fight and things were smooth. All couples had thier arguments but it was nothing serious. Coolio spent most of his time playing computer games and so did H. I was bored and read alot or watched Cooio and his games becaues his were video not text like H's was.

Coolio met a girl and started dating her. Sometimes she'd be home alone with H. We all didn't always have the same days off --which could sometimes prove difficult and I mostly still lived with daddy alot of the time because it was easier for me to get back n forth to work.

Well, Coolio's girlfriend confessed to Coolio one night that she and H had been having an affair. H and I were rocky because we didn't spend alot of time together anymore and when we did I felt like he ignored me. I didn't feel like we were boyfriend and girlfriend altho we were. Sometimes he'd tell me he wanted me to live with him at Coolios and other times he'd tell me to leave and it wasn't my place why was I there all the time, he needed his space. I was there sleeping most of the time. We all worked nights and when you work nights your either sleeping or working. And besides, Coolio was my bestfriend at the time -we were like brother & sister.

H's uncle came home from off the road on thier biweekly weekend leave and he went and picked me up from work and it was agreed by everyone that he'd pick me up and take me to his place and get my stuff before H got off work. When we walked into the house I still wasn't sure what was going on --he was trying to tell me that H was having relations with someone else but I wouldn't believe it. And sure enough, he was sitting on the couch kissing her neck and brushing her hair when we pulled up in the car. Needless to say a huge fight broke out and his uncle called Coolio and he came and picked me up.

So the point is: She told Coolio that she and H were sleeping around and she wanted to be with H but the only way for that to happen was for it all to come out in the open. So Coolio kicked H out and H moved in fulltime with his aunt & uncle. I practically ended up living with Coolio. And yes, we did do what we did and we did take comfort in each other. Altho it was nothing more than just sex. rebound sex.

During all this I ended up going to the doctor for my yearly exam and checkup --and it was rumoured that the girl Coolio and H slept with had a disease so I went to get checked out. The doctor did thier tests and sure enough, there was something wrong with me, but it wasn't an STD. I had abnormal cells on my cervix --they said they normally go away on thier own but with the stage they were in they had the chance to already and didn't. More tests were needed as well as a biopsy and I was sent home.

I had some vacation time saved up at the hospital and my doc signed for me to get a "medical leave" signed off and I moved out of Coolio's and back into my parent's house for a week until I got my next check and bought a bus ticket to Chicago. I stayed in chicago for a month --long enough to take a "needed break" while I waited for the biopsy results.

When I got back home I went back to work and started saving up for a deposit on my own place. H and Coolio were still not speaking but still at Tyson working the same shifts --thankfully transfered to different departments. While there H met another woman and ended up moving in with her and going back n forth between her place and his aunt and uncles.

I saved up enough money and moved out of my parents house and got my 1st apartment. It was only a few blocks from their place because I was informed by the docs I had stage 2 going on 3 cervical cancer. I needed treatments and surgeries and my parents didn't want me to be alone or too far. My old friend Tank started staying with me when I got too sick with the pills and had to be off work for a while because I tore a muscle in my back. but before that -- I ran in to H at McDonalds. He was working there part time on the weekends. My mom and my sister Pebbles and I were out buying new things for my apartment.

I ran outside and stopped him. I asked him how he was doing and I told him I understood if he never wanted to speak to me again,but I wanted to let him know that I sorry for anything and everything that I did wrong. I thought it was a chance I might not get past the sickness growing inside of me. and that I needed him in my life because I missed him too much. I needed his friendship. Atfirst he was standoffish. He got teary eyed. We exchanged numbers and I gave him my new address. Sure enough, not too many days later he showed up at my place and we talked.

Long story short he moved out of the girl's place and was going back n forth between my place and another person he knew from Tyson. Me and the girl ended up meeting somewhere in there and became "friends" of sorts --I even hooked her up with my FaveCousin! lol. He told me (ME) that he was upset that she didn't love him when he loved her so much. He said he was leaving Arkansas and he'd never have to see any one of us again. He couldn't understand why I loved him when he loved someone else and didn't love me back...

I was given the all clear by my doc after 6 months of surgeries and pills. We ended up having sex and it was all over for me after that. I fell back even more so head over hills in love with H. But that didn't last long. We were headed home from work one morning and I said "I love You" and he wouldn't speak to me. I got upset. I got mad and Angry. I asked him why he was living with me and fucking me if he didn't love me. At that point he got out of the car while it was still in motion and I proceeded home.

Not long after I arrived he did as well. He didn't want to talk, but I wanted to have it out. He said something. I slapped him. He hit me. I broke a beer bottle and slashed his arm open. I got a concussion from having my head slammed into a brick wall. I got the door open to our apartment and fell onto the ground/tripped over my feet I was dizzy. I was screaming for help. things went too far. I had blood in my eyes. Tank was a sleep on the couch and came awake when I crashed into the door and fell. From what he said H started kicking me in my ribs and stomach (i know i was bruised badly on my stomach and chest) and Tank threw him out the door and H ran off. Tank picked me up and carried me to the car and drove me to the hospital. The cops asked if I wanted to press charges and I said no. They pressed for me. I was served a summons to appear in court and a letter of restraint against H.

I started to receive weekly $$$ from H given to me through that girl he use to live with. I had ended up moving in with her myself when my lease was up. The last $$$ I received was accompanied by a note to meet him someplace private so we could talk. I went. We drove into the mountains. He asked me to pull over. He broke down crying. Saying he never ment to hurt me. He'll dropp all charges against me and I keep mine against him. But he wanted me to know he was sorry. He loved me. And he never ment to hurt me.

We secretly got back together. When court was over and the restraining order dropped we found a place to live together and moved into our first place alone together. A few months later I didn't have my job at the hospital anymore. I started working at Tyson with H. Coolio had moved away and disowned me for getting back with H. None of my friends wanted to be my friend because I had let him back in.

Things got violent between us. I can't remember what happened. But those few months were a violent frenzy. Fighting, Hitting. Yelling and Screaming. It lightened up after his brother came to visit from Maryland and ended up moving in with us and his preggers girlfriend. She left and he got involved with a few other people. But this isn't about him. And his playboy ways. Eventually we both lost our jobs at Tyson. And I went to Tulsa, OK to try and get work there and move us there. But that didn't work. And we were broke, had nothing and I had one place left to turn to: my dad. He wouldn't let an unwed married couple live under his roof. So H and I got married. Then we moved into Daddy's. Then H moved to Maryland. I got a job working at a liquor store and he started working for a cabling place. He got us a truck he bought from his Dad. I still had our car his mom had bought for us.

It was a long hard 6 months but finally he said "pack up your stuff, I have us a place to live". So I packed what I could into the car and headed out to Maryland. Instead of me driving it alone StonerBoy came with me. And sure enough, I got a few hours outside of town and the car broke down (talk about your Omens) and I called my friend who still spoke to me and asked for her help. I ended up living with her for a few weeks til H could get down to pick me up. I ended up selling the car for money to help me survive the comming weeks.

Once he came and got me everything was great. We'd spent alot of time apart and missed eachother dearly. We had friends we'd hang out with and things were great. We hardly fought. We were both working (I walked back n forth to K Mart instead of driving the truck --he had a company truck he shared with Red) and life was good. One night Red came over to drink and get drunk. His wife was a B*TCH in his words. And he and H had already had discussions that Red wanted me. Wanted a wife just like me --thought I was perfect. So they had made a plan that they would get me into bed with Red. And we'd have a sexual deal with all of us. H asked me what I thought about Red and I said he was HOT... Well, he was. I also said he wasn't as hot as H... And I ment it then, lol.

So, Red and I were drinking alone in the house. H made an excuse that he had to leave to go somewhere. And Red started making the moves on me. I resisted. And he said "it's all a game --H knows. We planned this. He's going to come in while I'm with you and then we're both going to get you at once"... and sure enough. It was a game and I was being played. By both of them. they were getting off on me. Literally.

This ashames me now. I should have said no either way. But I didn't. At one point Red told me that if he wasn't such good friends with H he'd just take me away and we'd run away together, how sweet, huh?

So our landlord found out about StonerBoy staying with us longer than he was suppose to and we were not suppose to have pets, but we had Mysterious and Drake. So we got evicted. We ended up moving in with a girl I worked with. She ended up getting fired and I quit K Mart because they wouldnt let me have my breaks. (I almost pissed myself. I had to drink a shit load of water because I worked in the garden center in the middle of summer hot weather). So she got another job somewhere else. We stayed with her for a few months and then we got another place to live.

After that things started getting ugly again. Baer moved in with us. He liked to play us against each other. I was a stay at home house wife taking care of 2 men (1 sexually --H and the other I was like a maid). I did all I could for those 2. Baer was another playboy. He went through women like I go through underwear. H wanted to stay on the computer all the time and wouldn't let me know what he was doing. He walked away to use the bathroom and I caught a glimpse. The dirty stories. And it was on. And eventually I gave up. It was just stories. Stories wasn't cheating, right? I mean, I'd done worse after all --the 3 some with Red and him (and that wasn't the 1st one --we had one with an ex of mine from highschool when we first got back together after the courthouse deal).

We fought all the time. I mean constantly. We were not a pleasant couple to be around. I still can't remember why we fought anymore. we just did. And have lots of hate sex. I mean, there was no love there. It was all hateful abusive sex.

Finally his mom convinced us to move back to Arkansas. They paid for it all. Let us live with them for a month. Me and his mom went every day finding a place to live for us. H went job huting and I went job hunting for the both us. Eventually we found us a nice place that was in the perfect location. I got a job at walmart again and he got a job that put him on the road. The next thing I know I have his nephews all the time.

And we're still fighting. And I'm still craving his attention and not getting it. And its making me bitter and angry. His mom is talking shit about his bro's wife and how she wishes he'd leave her. Turns out she was saying the same thing about me. She was playing us against eachother. and recruited me to help her get revenge on her then husband at the same time. H was becoming more and more distant from me, from us. Nothing I could think of would bring him back. I felt like I was a sex toy. A sex doll that didn't have to be pumped full of air.

So I asked him about this game he said he was playing all the time. And I got involved in that. I had great fun and we were us again for a while. for a short lived while. I went to bed one night. He said he'd be there shortly. I woke up. the house was dark but a sliver of light in the hallway. The door was closed. Heavy breathing. I opened the door and there he was --mutual cam sex. I was devastated. And it was one of the people from the game. I couldn't believe what I saw. I went into a mad rage. I'm sure any woman would have.

We didn't speak for a long time. He said he wouldn't do it again. It got too far out of hand. I started asking people on the game out the girl. and they said she's been known to do bad things on cam for equipment, ingame money, etc.

we fought for a while about that. I felt like I couldn't trust him. I was always 2nd guessing what he was doing, who was calling. I was becoming someone I hated. And I hated who I was with. But the thought of being without him, was too much to think of.

Well, during all this time I had a few doctor appointments. It turns out the cancer had come back. I had sugery again and was on pills again. they removed 90% or so of my cervix. H was there. he was sympathetic and worried. I do believe he cared about me, things just went wrong somewhere between us. The doc told me it was now or never to try and have a baby. The next time it came back I'd have to have a hysterectomy. so H and I discussed it and we went on fertility drugs.

my moods were horrible on those pills. my attitude was horrible. i was a monster, i admit it. but it was the drugs. it was not intentional.

after 9 months the drugs didn't work. and the doc took me off them. H lost his job and I didn't have one. So I headed to Chicago. We agreed we needed a break. So I moved in with Crystal's dad to help with the finances at home (I sent it all to H to pay the bills) and to help her dad transition between the death of his wife and moving into assisted living.

We talked every night. Sometimes it was good. sometimes it was bad. It was a break that was really needed. And it helped us out I believe, but not enough.

I wasn't needed in Chicago anymore. H came and picked me up. We had a quiet ride back to Arkansas. But things fell apart when I got home. He and Juggalo had let the apartment become destroyed. I was --it was horrible. I lost my temper. I lost it and I was a huge monster. H pulled away from me even more. I pulled away from him. I was trying to find a job. A friend of his from work (Guy) started calling me alot. We would talk. He showed me the attention I was craving from H. another Red scenario -the wife was insane and he thought I was perfect. But he and his wife had babies, he didn't think he could leave her. I didn't think I could leave H.

We started drinking a little and fooling around. Kissing and touching. H was at work somewhere on the road. Guy's wife called and asked if he'd be home from work soon... He told her he was working late. He told me he'd be back soon. He was going to go and get his fishing gear and say he was going out with his brother. He text'd me and said "she's making me take the boys, gonna drop em off at my brother's. be there soon, don't give up on me." --it started storming. I knew it was over before it even began. I told H what happened. He encouraged me to go for it. If Guy would still go for it. He started encouraging me (again --he was before as well) to have a boyfriend if I wanted one or a girlfriend for while he was on the road.

I told him I only wanted him. Guy was a mistake. I was sorry. He said I should do what I wanted to. And walked away.

The rest you all know. Shortly after that he asked me for a divorce. I spent that first night contemplating taking my life --death had to be better than living without him. I decided not to and poured the whiskey and sleeping pills down the drain and scream/cried myself to sleep on the kitchen floor.

I litterally felt like my whole world had just crumpled and fell apart. ripped to shreds is more like it.

I know I wasn't the perfect wife, but gods how I wanted to be. I wanted to be. And death seemed like a better option than admitting failure.

I moved back in with my dad. I was a zombie going through the motions of living. H and I would talk on the phone. I learned through people that he and someone was having sex while I was in Chicago. And that hurt me terribly because she was my bestfriend in highschool. I asked him about it. but never got a complete answer. Just that I know from her that her then boyfriend didn't want H anywhere near them. But she wouldn't tell me exactly why he didn't want H around her...

When I finally came out of my shell it wasn't until an old old friend of mine from way back in the day came into my life: Ram. We fished and got stoned together. We had an affair. I wanted sex and didnt care that he was married. I wasn't in it for love. But I fell in lust with him. And I thought it was love. And when I found out he was having sex with other girls, not just me and his wife. I couldn't take it anymore and ended our affair. I moved out of Daddy's and found my own place to live. Suga moved in with me and divorced her husband as well.

I went through a long string of affairs. I took advantage of a kid who just turned 18 for sex. that was stupid. I met a guy at work and got with him for the hell of it. he said he fell in love with me, and I tried to have a relationship with him but I couldn't do it. I ended up cheating on him with someone else while he was away and he wanted to move in with me! and he did for a few months but I met someone else at work who had a son and I loved that little boy so I kicked the one out for the one with the kid. and the one with the kid ended up being a drug runner and stealing my money and I cheated on him with his friend... And it was a huge tangled mess. I got in with the wrong crowd. I started doing the wrong things. I was either drunk or stoned or sleeping or at work.

And ofcourse I hurt my back in the middle of all that. omigods that was horrible. I couldn't move. and the 1st "serious" relationship post H was the guy that spent a month in Florida while I was at home laid up in bed. I honestly blame the drugs. The vicodin and the muscle relaxers mixed with the illegal shit. Suga was dating Taz and Taz had a brother. Well, while the long distance relationship was gone I was banging Taz's bro. And was still when he came back. Sigh.

(I am not proud, I just have to get this off my chest. Just deal with me a little more and we never have to go through this shit again...)

So finally. Somewhere somehow I woke up. I moved out of my place with Suga and back in with my dad. I got a different job away from the drama central and contemplated what I was doing with myself.

I stopped the drinking and drugs. I started talking to Crystal again. She said I should move to Chicago permantly. Get outa Arkansas, it'd do me good. And so it did. I got 2 jobs almost immediatly. I started drinking again heavily but stopped right fast when I almost got into trouble drinking and driving. And working as much as I was, i couldn't do it anymore. I stuck to a few jack or rum n cokes while doing Karaoke on thursdays. I became obsessed with working and dated around a few guys I had met at the bar. You all remember Paisley? Yes, that was a mistake.

I had gotten back into sneezy again as well. That game my ex had gotten me into. I stayed away because I was afraid he was on it. So I stopped in one night and was bombarded with questions as to where Immorality (H's main character) and I had been. I explained about the divorce and asked if H had been around, obviously not.

I got reaquanted with old friends and met some new friends, one of which is Taranis aka Joe aka Cornwall aka my current boyfriend. I started playing again fulltime. I never expected to be back on sneezy. But there I was. And I was falling in love all over again. But I had these mixed emotions. I found out my ex got married. And they were due anytime with a baby. And that she had the baby...Now, Joe and I hadn't been together that long at the time. And I was still fighting my feelings for him. And I was trying to get rid of the memories of me and H. And I got plastered. And Joe still stuck by me. I tried to push him away and he pushed back even harder to show he was there to stay.

Eventually I owned up to my feelings for Joe. and I started to realize that it was stupid for me to be hurt and little sickened by H having a baby and life with someone else --what did I think? that he was going to live his life pining for me and hating himself for leaving me? --whatever that doesn't happen in real life.

Now, I'm happy. Joe and I had a talk today. It was inspired by some "conversation" that had passed between me and the ex's wife. And I'm ok. I'm going to be ok. I've been ok for a long time now. I didn't react the way I should have to my divorce. I didn't react the way I should have in my marriage when I was thrown a curve ball. But I have learned alot about myself in the past 3 1/2 years post seperation from H. And I guarantee you that I react different now than I did before Pre Seperation.

I don't know what happened to me from the moment I met H to the moment we split up. I don't know who I was when I was with him. I don't recognize that person as me anymore. She's someone I use to know. A distant stranger.

I do know the person post seperation. She's the one that took what should have happened in her early 20s and spread out over 10 years and put it into 2 years. She lived hard and she lived fast. And now I'm where I should be. In a quiet little suburb in my quant little home with the most remarkable man I could ever want.

Me and Joe with our 3 "kids". Life couldn't be better or more perfect... (ok, having a child of our own would add to the perfection)

(and if you read all of that, congratulations! that's the longest post I've ever done I'm sure. and if you skimmed and didn't really read it, I don't blame you at all for not reading it in depth.)

And now that is out of my system. What is spoken in this entry will never be spoken of again in regards to my ex and what happened between our seperation and my meeting Joe. I hope you enjoyed reading.

Holiday Parties...

No offical word as of yet on when the Big Shebang is for my whole resort but our interoffice Accounting thing is the 23rd and nice and casual. Our Resort one will most likely be somewhere in January and black tie-ish like affair.

This weekened is the holiday party for Joe's work -it's between the black tie and casual. I'm a nervous wreck. The 1 time I've met most of the folks at his place of employment I had a shitty day at my own work, i looked hagard and I had a migraine on top of 2 hours OverTime. I sounded like the typical over bearing mean girlfriend saying "honey, it's time to go -I have a migraine" after I'd been there about 5 minutes. (they were have a "team building" event at a local bar and he'd been there for a while with them already). I could see the look on thier face it was "bitch alert! bitch alert!"

Now, his immediate supervisor seems to think I'm the cat's meow. He's always wanting to talk to me and hangout with me when I use to pick up Joe from work. And he can be funny --and slightly annoying. But funny. And he's nosy. And opinionated. And wants to give constant advice that's unwarranted and asked not asked for.

I know these people know "of me". I'm sure some of them have seen me on the survelence camera walking on the dock to get to Joe's office.

I'm just freakin out a little bit here. These are strangers and I don't do too well in these kinds of environments. I just hope I don't freak out or anything.

I'm going to have to do something with myself besides wash my hair and let it go. Make up -- oh friggin hell. I feel like a moronic idiot already and it's not even Saturday night yet.

And my Joe is so handsome. and I'm this freak. I hate to embarass him because I'm stupid, fat and ugly.

Make Me Pretty!!

OK, So Joe and I tried to take some pictures today of ourselves (again) and let me tell you --it was NOT easy...

And they didn't turn out too well; These are the best 2 out of 30:




We tried putting the camera on a table... We've tried it all.. with no luck.

We're going to try and get pictures made at a Portrait Studio within the next few weeks, and I can do my own makeup--but I'm really horrible at doing hair. So I'm putting out a call to all my bloggy friends: Will you help me??? My knowledge of "fixing hair" is washing it and combing it and that's it. I have a hairdryer and some gel and hairspray but I don't have a curling iron. I'd really like some curl for the picture.

I asked one of my ole spa pals if she'd help me with no response.

I seriously hate taking pictures of myself and need some major help/confidence boost. And a hairstyle that will help keep my face slim looking and not like a fat marshmallow head dough boy like the rest of pics.

the one in which i don't kill people

just wanted to give a heads up that i'm pretty pissed off again today. it was a "not so fun" day at work and the details of which i'm not really comfortable talking about out loud because as Joe showed me today that there are blockers on computers that some folks have that i'd never know if they were viewing my webpage.

so let it be known that i was tempted and did not partake upon the temptation and they have lived to see another day...... and so have i.

but i really don't think i can take one more of thier mistakes - i really don't. but i know i will. and i'm afraid to go to upper management because i'm afraid that i'll be the wheel that squeeks too much so they'll just throw me out. i've been on my tippie toes at work keeping my head down and my nose to the grindstone. i'm not making waves but it just burns the hell out of me when i'm told me and Pic are not being productive when i know damn well and ready we are.

and now i've said too much.....i may vent on the private journal --so if you have access to it and you want to know the juicy details go visit me behind the scenes. and if you don't have access and you want it-let me know. i could give it to you.

random theories...

there are 2 people at work that are pregnant (that i know of) both found out about the same time and both eloped when they were past thier 1st trimester. i also found out today that Alabama is pregnant. I found that she was laid off from her job due to lack of work but they called her back and so her first day back was today. or something like that.

so my theory is this: maybe there are only x amount of pregnancies that are allowed to occur at once. and if someone happens to ovulate at the right time (say right after another baby is born) then they are the lucky ones to get pregnant...

yes i know its a stupid bullshit theory but i have to go on something. i want to be a mommie damnit. i get emails like this from my friends who have babies:

SON just had his second birthday not to long ago.. Im trying to get WIFE to get me copies of his pictures so I can send them out. As I always say hes just growing and growing and getting more mature every day. Hes so funny and polite! He says thank you and welcome and please to just about everything. We had snow the other day and I had to take him to an appointment and I put him in the car and then proceeded to clean all the windows around the car of snow and when I got back in the car he said "Good job daddy." He just always says the cutest things.. He found the first food that he said he doesn't like and surprise its broccoli. He will eat small bites of it but he found a big bite and he took it out of his bowl and said "I no like broccoli."

and like this:

wanted to let ya know some news for us. Sorry so belated but we have been very quiet about it cause of the problems in the past - I'm pregnant! I'm 18 weeks along and find out what I'm having in a few weeks. I was going to wait until then to tell more people - but I feel so bad waiting so long! I am due 10 days after my b-day. We are both real excited. I just had to tell you about the new addition that we will have to our family!

i AM happy for my friends! i am.....but damnit, i want a baby too. and seeing the girl in the spa and the salesgirl with thier growing basketball bellies....sigh.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so we're watching Haulin House and these people are cutting a house into six peices! and i asked Joe: "Why are they doing this? A house is a permanant fixture it is not ment to be cut apart and put back together. If it was they'd make em out of Legos!!!"

so ofcourse that started me thinking about the land in Cabot, AR just waiting for us to move onto it. and i was thinking if we could actually pour concrete or another strong material into puzzle type molds that we could peice together.....

yes, i'm insane.

tomorrow is my friday. and i deserve it. the "boss" was out for 2 days sick. my Partner in Crime was out sick today and I had 2 meetings with 2 huge highprofile groups today. AND i got shit done. i kicked ass big time.

and i'm sleepy.

i'm kinda concerned about LoJack. He's not as active as Nilla. Maybe he's just a lazy male? Or he's pissy about being in his ball today. I know the person we got him from use to keep him in his ball to keep him away from the animal he shared a cage with to keep them from hurting eachother.

i can't wait til Friday tho! I got $50 to try and buy me some new shirts for work!!! i'm all set on pants.

------------

and on a final note: i found out from MomI today that her mom (my "grandma") fell down and almost broke her hip but instead cracked her ribs and then DROVE herself to the hospital who then called my Dad to come and get her!!!! and she's getting forgetful. we're really worried about her.

And she also told me that one of my Aunts (one of her sisters that's still living) went to the doc because of pain and a lump in her breast-the did a mamogram and ultrasounds (no biopsy or anything) and told her to go home, she was fine. -- HELLO! 2 of thier sisters DIED from breast cancer! sigh. ( too stressed out --- Death in the Family ) I remember seeing aunt dorothy lying in the bed her body skin and bones with lumps of tumours poking out of her skin. she started out as ovarian, progressed into uterine and then into her breasts and from there went into her lymphnodes. she was given like 2 months to live and sent home on hospice. she lived about 4 months? and died on her birthday.

and on Daddy's side cancer is all in my family. i had another aunt die from Lukemia and i don't think i've talked about it but another one had a breast removed earlier this year because of breast cancer.

it scares me. so much cancer in my family. and me having fought it for 10 years now. i can't believe i've been fighting this for TEN YEARS!!!!

ten fucking years of my life i've spent on meds - doctors and surgeries.

the aunt that recently found the lump said she'd rather not know anyways and turn out like her sisters --chemo and the quality of her life go away.

i'd say i've been lucky. and i need to count my blessings. i might not having any children but i do have my life --and i kinda have my health. and eventually we can adopt a sweet baby or two that need loving and caring parents.

monday here i come!!!

DISCLAIMER--IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE SARCASM AND MAJOR CURSE WORDS DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY--YOU'VE BEEN WARNED--

so seriously, have you ever couldn't wait for monday to come around?! well right now I can't wait because i'm gonna beable to prove that stupid bitch wrong at the insurance/billing office for the pain specialist.

--i got a letter in the mail today from my insurance company--

i've tried to tell her over and over again the insurance is NOT denying my claims. that it is NOT a pre-existing condition, etc. i talked to her on the phone today and she says that thier office will NOT see me until my pre-existing period is over with...

well i got news for that bitch: MY PRE-EXISTING CONDITION CLAUSE HAS BEEN WAIVED

so take that you stupid whore!!! teach you not to listen to me! teach you tell me that i'm lying. teach you to tell me that my insurance wont cover me and that i'm going to owe your company thousands of dollars for my back procedures. STUPID CUNT WHORE BITCH!!!

ok! so now that that is over with back to our regularly scheduled programing:

i'm so sick of singing the same fucking messed up songs over and over again on Rock Band. Seriously, there are TONS of songs! why do you keep making me sing the same ones over and over again that I can't sing??? Songs that don't even make sense vocally?!?!?! ugh. however, Joe is kicking serious ass on the bass and guitar. (and i love playing Rock Band --just have to "get through" the songs we don't like)

Titan: we got a "back pillow" for the part of the couch that we added --remember? it's almost the perfect color and everything!!! plus, we got it on SALE!!! (woot)

I hate to admit that the headboard is growing on me... ugh!!!

Joe picked out the most AWESOME camo jacket for me!!! Not that I don't ABSOLUTELY love my Packers Jacket (i do i do i do) its just that it's Suede and I never know when its going to rain or snow and don't want to ruin it. It cost like over $150 bucks and you all know how cheap ass i am... So we got me a $15 camoflauge jacket today...Joe can't seem to find one that he would want to wear --and I can't find any freaking shoes!!!

I think the food at work is going to kill me. We had taco day today --I feel like there is lead ball growing bigger and bigger in my tummy. No heartburn tho.

We MUST remember to take the out trash weekly --it's getting a little funky in the garage from forgetting to take out last week's trash.

Good Citizen Deed of the Day: I set Fave Aunt up with an email account under my service provider (SBC Global/Yahoo) so she can get free Flickr Pro, Free Pro Email, Free Pro Launchcast Radio, etc etc etc. Her ISP doesn't give email to DialUP accounts because its discounted with her phone company. And it's stupid for her to setup a free email account when I can get her a "free" one with all the bells and whistles.

i really want a cigarette

so today went very well for me. i got the huge bill of my desk and into approval. i got more back from approval and finalized. i should and will say i kicked ass today.

so we came home and waited for our new bedroom set to come in. they brought the wrong damn headboard... and the crappy thing is: now it's starting to grow on me... ugh. wtf dude?? wtf. so we're suppose to go down and talk to the people we bought it from.

Joe is playing Rockband. It's nice to live somewhere that your neighbors can't hear you and vice versa...

altho that mother fucker down the street that likes to sit in his car and thump his bass is going to get my foot in his bass if he doesn't cut the shit out.

so i need some new friends. i need friends. not online people that i chat with in game but friends. if you don't count Joe I have one friend here in Illinois: Titan Saturnae. He could be described as: my bestfriend. He has hung out with me more than any so called friend up here. Once I decided that my money was staying in my pocket and I wasn't going out drinking anymore and being stupid my "socalledfriends" stopped being my friends. --i wonder why

so my 2 friends are Joe and Titan. I want to be friends with PIC (Partner in Crime -we are the 2 receivables girls) but I just -I guess I'm scared. I've tried to make friends with Nevada but all he's interested in is boozing and whoring women. (He's our new --started 4 months ago new-- Sales Coordinator)

ok i'll finish this up tomorrow --its bedtime in my new bed.

it's monday??

I've learned that I love my job the most when people leave me alone and don't bother me... maybe it was the hagard look in my eyes or the total "death warmed over look" but I so did not get bothered at work today!!!

on to the juicy details of my weekend:

it started off on friday when we got to the condo and packed up Nilla and the fridgerator. we then set sail for the townhouse and unpacked Nilla and the refridgerator... lol then we headed to KFC for some most excellent fried make me matter honey biscuits and chicken bowl thing...oh gods i've been mixing my chicken nuggets, mashed tators, gravy & corn together forever!!! now I have someone to do it for me...... muahahahahahaha ..... meanwhile back at the condo Drake is a little pissy cuz we left him behind but he soon got over it when we all went to bed.

bright and early saturday morning we woke up and headed out for coffee and donuts while we waited on the movers... it felt like they'd never show up. and once they did it felt like everything was going so slowly!!! thankfully Joe was in top form and help rush em and make everything go faster. by the time we got to the townhouse it was 12 oclock and by 30 after we were unloaded of the furniture.

Titan then came by and went with Joe back to the condo for boxes while I was left to my own devious devices of "taking it easy" which ensued of me unpacking anything and everything i could move --this included lining up the TV & Entertainment center --- the looks I got for that... but! i got it within a quarter of an inch..cuz I fuckin rock!!! (there is a bridge ontop and in the middle... it was just a quarter of an inch off having those perfect...)

so by the end of Saturday we had most of everything unpacked. and we slept in our new home for the 1st time....

oh! we ordered our new bedroom set on friday afterwork as well......

sunday we spent way too long waiting for our old landlord at the old place to give him the keys back. and cleaned. apperantly besides defaulting on the mortgage and everything else, he's getting a divorce and he wants to be friends and hang out with us!!! should i be scared and run away???

wanna know how much vicodin i had to go through this weekend? like 6. 4 saturday and 2 sunday... thankfully none today --altho i've been popping midol like it's candy. 1 or the other and i chose the debloater. will it help??? so far so good.

so joe is over there snoring. i made spaghetti for dinner. omigod it was so good.

and you know what's even more awesome about this place? it feels like i've lived here forever and never anywhere else. and Titan is closer. and SUPER FUCKING TARGET

oh mi god

s
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i love myself some super target! so much cheaper than all these other places we've tried grocery shopping at since moving to chicagoland 2 years ago. and it's like 2 minutes away. hellya.

......ok snoring but needs to go to bed or something....but i'll just lay my head on his lap and go snoring with him here on the couch.....

no packing today

i'll pack tomorrow. today i paid bills and wrote a rather large check to my new landlord.

i'm very depressed about all of the above.

so i will not pack today.

oh, and i got my blood taken... damn vampires.

we're doing retail inventory this week at work. --i think i like the dock freezer better.....to bad i'm going to be in the hospital instead of counting icecream and cakes and cookies--

that makes me sad too.

ok.....Grey's Anatomy is comming on......can't believe i havn't watch a current episode in 1 year! lol --but i watch reruns on lifetime :-)

yada yada?

i hate the fact we're 2-1 instead of 3-0 (packers, the green bay) but we're still above Da Crappy Bears!

scribing on sneezy is the most boring thing ev-ah

i think all Drake does is sleep

can not wait until we're in our new place!

i wonder if i'll ever get pregnant

i'm afraid about my procedure next week

i'm afraid about the blood work and tests on thursday before the procedure

i want to know what happened to BioM to make her the way she is so i can prevent myself from being like her

my shampoo & conditioner smells like vanilla - my body wash smells like honey & almonds -- when i get out of the shower i smell like candy and it's hard to resist licking myself like a cat...

i'd rather watch childrens cartoons than most adult shows

i have an obsession with fairies, dragons and wizards --unfortunatly i lost 90% of my collections in my divorce --and i'm afraid that Taranis wouldn't appreciate thier beauty if I tried starting a new collection

I miss hanging out with Jugalo & Sakura - Infernogoddess - Suga and all my other friends I left either in Arkansas or Virginia --sometimes I even miss Crystal (the old crystal not the crazy woman who drove us out of her home)

i think i miss Mysterious Devyne & Spike de Vampyre most of all

i wonder if this condo will ever cool off??? im sweatin like a mofo over here...

i hope Taranis' mom likes me... I'd hate to have another mother in law that didn't...

i wonder if i'll ever be "skinny" again

i wonder if there'll come a day where i don't feel pain anymore --besides the day i die--

i still can't get over how beautiful my babysister Raquel is...including the fact that she got married last year... and made the most beautiful bride ev-ah!

i worry about him every day

and i worry about this one too

never did i realize how much this tattoo and it's "symbolism" would truly come to mean in my life...(you must have faith in love even when your heart is bruised and bleeding)

it's amazing how much i can love this man --who was a stranger to me a year and 1/2 ago

the best anniversary present i could have ever wished for

random stuff - holidays - etc

i'm a HUGE holiday decorator! i love to decorate for the holidays. i can't wait until we move into our new home so I can truly decorate for christmas again. hopefully we'll have enough money left over that i can get a few things for halloween this year.

to kinda help with my decoration cravings you'll see a pretty halloween background! yay! and you'll also see my yahoo avatar on the side. she's going to be reflecting the seasons/holidays on my behalf. since i'm camera shy (gods i look like a fat ass lardo in pictures) she'll be suplement to taking seasonal pictures of me.

enjoy the changing backgrounds with the change of the seasons/holidays!

do we look like serial lease breakers?!

seriously!? how could they NOT want to rent to us?

so you remember the place we went to look at on Friday? The townhouse in Schaumburg with a garage, washer/dryer, central heat/air, 2 bed, mudroom, dining... Well, we had looked at the place on friday with the Father. He was suppose to call us back. I waited. I called him yesterday and he gave me his daughter's number. Spoke with her on the phone for a longtime lastnight and we went and met her at the property again today. She wanted $$$ to do a credit check on us and I refused unless I had a signed agreement that the place is mine. So we made a compromise: she's running the reports and we'll pay 1/2 when we sign the lease.

now I wonder if she'll even run it or let us move in. i mean FUCKING SERIOUSLY PEOPLE! We're not godamn con artists or scammers. We don't have any damn evictions. you know, i'm sorry that shit happened in our past so our credit scores and credit is not ideal but that's in the past, ya'll. 3-5 years in the past.

i want to make sure that when i give you 80 bucks that i'm making an investment worth my money and not throwing it away.

my point being IT'S IN THE DAMN PAST. we bring home over 3x what thier asking for rent a month. and i'm never late.

look beyond the credit score people and look at US! as a couple, as a family. as someone who is decent and clean and honest and caring and would treat your place well. as someone who in the past might have not been very smart in letting some shit go but damnit you see it's not current shit. i've over 5 years and he's 3 years old on that damn crap.

oh your starting to piss me off.

............ps, i let drake outside this morning......that was 6:45 am......got home today at 7pm and guess who was still on the balcony............oh gods i'm a horrible mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

........ps............ps..........i fucking hurt like a sonofwhore today.......

Quirks

Aubrun Kat tagged me with the following meme:

Rules:

*Link to the person who tagged you
*Mention the rules on your blog
*Tell 6 unspectacular quirks about you
*Tag 6 following bloggers by linking to them
*Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they've been tagged.

Here goes...

1. I feel like my weekend isn't complete unless we watch "Army Wives" on Lifetime.

2. I have to wear shoes while cooking. I don't know why but I can't stand to be barefoot in the kitchen.. and it helps ease the pressure on my back.

3. I have to make sure everything is perfect and organized on my desk before I leave work.

4. I wont eat scrambled eggs unless either me or my daddy makes them.

5. I wont swim in public pools. I feel like they are biohazards.

6. If I start reading a book I must finish it no matter what. Even if it's the crappiest book I've ever read. I feel like something is missing and I'm bitchy/cranky until it's read.

I am going to tag Wanna Be Reality Superstar, Starting over at 24, Rachelskirts, The Everyday Adventures of Me in the City, Your Beard is Good, Pondering......