Secrets Unveiled

ok i decided to go ahead and slowly move stuff from Private to Public. ...Look on the side bar for "Secrets Unveiled" under catagories. I'll start moving over tonight when I get home from work.

Please note that some stuff will never be moved over due to the fact that it could actually destroy lives and/or marriages if the truth of some parts of my life ever became public.

I know that sounds so dramatic and crazy, but i don't want to take that chance.

the truth about my Thanksgiving

I know that I've told alot of people that Crystal had saved me a plate and it was a good old fashioned lovey dovey, but in actuality, it was not.

I asked her to save me a plate, and she did not. Stating many different reasons and lies as to why she didn't. When I got home after asking about my plate of turkey and dressing, etc. I was offered 3 pieces of a pinwheel (they are a creamcheese & seafood salad mixture with onions and celery, really good but they are just appetizers and seriously 3 of them wouldn't fill up my cat and I was starving, I had a little bit of stuffing at work like 12 hours before that. So I ended up eating cereal instead.

Why am I bringing all this up now? Because the past few mornings/evenings I've been putting my lunch in thier fridge so I didn't have to walk out in the cold to the backporch (covered/enclosed not insulated or heated) to retrieve it in the morning from mine and Taranis' fridge. And I've been noticing that no one is eating the turkey day leftovers and they are basically ruined since it's been a week now.

Lies all lies. All fucking lies. and she's doing this because I volunteered to work instead of spending thanksgiving with her family (whom drives me insane i'd have rather worked).

Now, if only me getting the title to my truck next week when I pay it off goes smoothly...

had a long conversation with the ex's wife

So I've gotten a first hand look at how people can change. And I ask. Is it them changing or you changing? I was asked a question and I'm looking at myself and I wonder. I wonder so much. ...... I explained to her how Hephaestus was with me and she says he is a totally different person than he use to be. Issues that I had such a hard time with him over she's completely pretty much eliminated. And I can't believe it. She says he nolonger feels anger towards me (the reason for his anger to begin with I still haven't been able to figure out) and now it's just indifference. She reads my blog and has tried to keep him updated on my health situation, keeping him informed that I'm still in remission and doing well and he just shrugs it off and doens't care. I can't imagine how he could *not* care. How could he not care about me like that? If he was hurt or injured I'd care. And we had so many scares together. It's unreal.

He says he never cheated on me. That's what he told her. He told her he had a few indecent relationships but he never cheated. She confessed to him that she cheated on her ex, hell she cheated on her ex with him! So she doesn't understand why he would hide that from her. I told her maybe he's learned from the past and doesn't want that ugliness hanging around. He doesn't want her to be suspicious of him. Here I am trying to comfort my exhusband's wife and help make her feel better. That's just freakin weird dude.

Ok so we had like a 45 minute conversation today on my way home from work and we emailed back n forth most of the day. I can't believe I'm having conversation's with my ex's wife... And behind his back. If he knew, we'd both be dead. His temper is nothing to be pushed and she agrees with me on that one.

I'm glad they are happy. Mars (H's bro) and his wife got a divorce. I found out that H & her had a one nighter, I'm sure that probly led to it. I think she got full custody of the boys... I'm not sure how that happened but I'm sure in due time I will find out.

Wow, I can't believe I had the talks today with my ex's wife that I did.... this is like surreal man.

i'm not as innocent as you think

so, there is a guy who is living with me. his name is taranis. we started out just buddies then to having a relationship with him to me dumping him and now he's living with me and we're friends again. however we've been having sex and i dont know if he thinks that because we're having sex we're getting back together. which i've told him that we're just friends.

hmmm.

there is someone else i have a huge crush on. i would love to have a wild hot night with them in bed everyday. but he doesn't feel that way about me, i'm not his type. so i have to find my crush in someone else and taranis is not my crush type. far from it.

12/19/2007 (EDIT) turns out he's the type i fall head over heals in love with while trying to deny what's between us... i am so happy that he and i are together

the rest of the story

I wonder if maybe this is too much to share in public??
for the non-sexual details go here

So, after we got done having sex (this is the conversation I omitted in the public journal) he brings up the whole "give me head" issue. AGAIN! We've had this conversation I don't know how many times that I'm just not comfortable going to that step yet.

He didn't or doesn't understand how I can stay the night with him --in his words-- "make love" to him (I called it just sex because I didn't and DONT know my feelings for him to be love, yet --which pissed him off even more) so, he went on a rampage and tried to make me feel like shit that because he's went down on me "against my wishes but I was tired of arguing with him about it" I should give him "Courtesy" head. Fucking asshole.

Absolutely no concern or care for my emotions that I'm not ready yet to go to that step of a sexual relationship with him.

And this was ofcourse the straw that broke the camel's back. He acted like he was so "not being satisfied" by intercourse alone. When he can't even hold it! 10-15 mins (sometimes as little as 5mins) and he's gotten off and I'm left just getting started and just getting into it. Granted its good and he's a "good fit", but still. Don't cum so damn soon! I've tried to help slow him down and take it easy but he wouldn't let me do anything I tried, I fucking tried!

So, anyways I just had to get this out of my system.

OH! and we got high about a week ago. He tried to have ANAL sex with me after I've already made it plain and clear that I don't do anal sex. And he's all "you didn't mind having my finger up your ass" --well, no that's a turn on actually to have the guy penetrating my ass with his finger while fucking me from behind. However, its not a turn on to have your ass ripped to shreds by something thats huge and doesn't belong in there!

And he swears and claims that he doesn't do anal, but he's tried to do anal with me. I'd say "no,I told you no I don't do that" and he's like "ooops, sorry it slipped" bullshit. He was hoping I was either Drunk enough or stoned enough to not care.

So, there all you priveledged people know the main reason as to why me and Paisley are not together anymore.

I need to bitch for a minute

So I figured out the reason why I'm depressed and pissed off and so not happy...

Its living here with Crystal. How is that? well, ya know. I have to work today at 2pm. I need to be in the shower by 12:30 be ready in time to go. I have to wash some clothes for work. She knows this. She says I can after thier showers, etc and her laundry is finished? What does she do? she waits til the last minute. My clothes JUST got into the washer. UGH!

So, I'm going to be running behind, again. Because of her. I can't wait til that damned blazer is paid off and I can move the fuck outa here. Living here is my issue. I never should have moved. I never should have moved.

Can't I be Happy?

So, I'm seriously not happy living with Crystal & Taz. As soon as I get the money & my own car, I'm outa here. I know they are gonna be dissapointed, but I'm tired of them using me as a club against eachother.

If they want to be miserable they can be miserable without me!

Not again, please not again.

So, I got a phone call Saturday night after having been out all night. Its 'BamaBoy. I was just about to fall asleep when He calls and asks if he can come and get me.

I say yes.

He comes and picks me up. We go to his apartment. He plays the guitar for me. He's so nice and sweet. he's tired. I'm tired. He asks if we can go lay down and take a nap because he has to go get his kids in the morning. I said sure. we lay down in his bed. he has his arms wrapped tight around me. I'm lying with my head in the crook of his arm.

Next thing I know, he says he's sorry and he can't help it. He starts kissing me. Next thing I know, I'm swept away in the moment. Its been a long time since I've had it, let alone have it and it been good. So I go with the flow. And he's amazing. wonderful kisser and the kind of lover to know exactly what to do.

We do it twice. and then fall asleep snuggled together.

He kisses me on my forhead in the morning saying its time to get up darling. He takes me home. I havn't heard from him since.

I broke down and called him this afternoon. Invited him to the Resort's Holiday party on the 13th of January. Havn't heard anything yet.

Why can't I talk about this in my public journal? Because there is someone I think I'm falling for. Or he's falling for me. And I think he reads it. And if he knew about 'BamaBoy, he'd be seriously hurt. And I don't want to hurt anyone.

I'm just confused. I want BamaBoy. I know I'm falling for him. I have been since we first met over a month ago. He calls atleast once a week and asks about the Karaoke. He use to come down and see me sing, but him and the KaraokeGuy got into it.

*sigh*

someone, help me please.

Rejected

Yes, after an amazing 2 months. 1 amazing night together. And an amazing night in the sack. Hockeyguy says he feels no sparks. And he wants to be just friends.

What the fuck is that shit?

Wow...Can't believe I did that

Ok, so thier is this guy, HockeyGuy. HG and I have been talking for a long time, and we've been trying and trying to make plans forever now. Especially to see one of his games. Something always keeps comming up, etc etc.

Finally, yesterday, nothing comes up. And we go out. First we go to his hockey game and then we go play pool and then we go to the movies. I called Crystal and told her I was gonna sleep on his couch. Which, I didn't. I slept in his bed with him. We ended up making out for a while and we made love. I can't call it sex, because it was so full of emotion and passion. It was mind blowing. Just easy smooth love making. It was wonderful.

Yet, I am confused. When he dropped me off at my house this morning, he only hugged me goodbye.

Now I feel bad and terrible and I hate myself for doing it with him. And I hate myself even more for the fact that he says he's looking for 'sparks' when he meets someone. Well, the way he was kissing me, etc I'd say thier was some sparks. However, he just hugged me goodbye. It was a long hug, yes. But I don't fucking know.

And then, I'm a stupid school girl and ASK HIM via txt message to his phone if he felt his sparks. how much of an idiot am I ???

If he doesn't call me or txt me or something within a week, I imagine I blew it, or I was a fuck, he got his nut off and whatever. thier are more fish out there in the sea, yea I know this...but I like him SO much. I really do.

WTF is wrong with me.

oh i'm gettin pissed now

What's gettin me pissed you ask? well, i'm fixin to let you know.

I went out lastnight with Viking. that doesn't piss me off. what does is the fact that the lifestyle he leads, if this went anywhere, my parents would do nothing but shun him. From what I got from his mom (who is 80 years old) and from him is that He was working at an awesome job in Denver. His bro died and now he's raising his 2 nephews with his mom. He stays at home and takes care of them. When school starts next year he'll get a job for while thier in school. He's 40 years old. YES, I made out with a 40 year old... but he acts like he's in his late 20s and never stepped out of the 80's he's awesome. my parents would NEVER approve of me with a 40 year old. he's got 3 daughters and 1 son that he just found out about... damn

Inked hasn't gotten back ahold of me, still... I can't believe I fucked this guy. And now nothing.

Adonis! OOOOOH, I got home from Viking's this afternoon and used my sister Pebble's cell phone to call him. He said he'd be on his way soon to come get me... That was 7 hours ago. Little Rock is about an 1-1/2 to 2 hour drive. ya, where the fuck are you, Adonis? Once again, my calls and emails and txt messages are being ignored. And, ofcourse, it doesn't help that my dad has decided to rub all this shit in my face. ofcourse he'd rub it in my face.

I've already called Jack and told her I'd meet her in Little Rock tomorrow for Edge Fest, that Adonis is on his way here... and I can't call her to tell her I don't think he's comming simply because no one will get off the fucking godamn phone!

Oh god I am so pissed.

And now, it seems that Adonis is standing me up...AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN! OH! I am so pissed!

Jumped the Gun??

Appears that I have been stoodup again.

Many things could have happened. He could have gotten pulled over and went to jail or whatever. I don't know.

I do know, however, that he hasn't called me. And I'm sure he's not STILL asleep.

Maybe one of you can tell me WHY guys do this to girls? U all talk about you can't understand us. Well, I certainly can't understand yall.

I HATE being stoodup and lied to. My biggest pet peave is to blown off and/or ignored.

What a night!

I went out with Inked lastnight. And had an amazing time. It was great. he's got tattoos all over his body. He bout me what i like to drink and everything. We went out the lake and sat and talked. went driving on the back roads. Man. him and his truck are HOT.

And, man.... can that boy fuck... I wasn'tgonna do it. and then he started kissing me. and i couldn't help myself.

Hot Guy Alert

OH MY GOD.

I come home from work today, and thier is my dream man messaging me. I can't believe it! He's suppose to be here in about an hour to take me out on a date... LOL. Adonis doesn't know what hit him! I'm gone. this is bullshit. I'm tired of being ignored and blown off. He promised he wouldn't be like Hephaestus and he is being EXACTLY like Hephaestus *my ex husband*

Anyhoot, off to have an awesome night with tattoo man!

The Least He Can Do Is Call Me

Fuckin bastard hasn't called me in forever. I even sent him emails telling him I need to talk to him, etc and that I'm sick, etc... FUCKING hasn't called me.

I am beginning to wonder if he's married or something worse, like he's just using me. I have a terrible feeling he's gonna finally call me and tell me that this week is off and he's not comming to get me for the concert the 7th.

Oh, I guarantee you that shit happens and its OVER! NO more godamned chances.

TheDruid

For those in the "know" (that would be yall) TheDruid will now be known as Orion. For obvious reasons, this is not going to my public journal.

Much love and light and darkness

Loving Someone You Can't Have

So, I have to think of a new name for TheDruid. WHY?! Because of his wife. UGH.

He finally called me lastnight. And we talked. About me and him. And other things.

I wish I could have him. I love him much more deeply that anyone I could ever love. However, I can't be with him and he can't be with me. His damn mother almost ruined all that for us by blabbing in her public journal about a conversation me and her had about him and me. That was real damn smart, lady.

So, somehow, I'm in another "Guy" situation (you remember him, i'm sure. if not, go to my public journal and look around. i write about him alot) he wants me i want him. if it wasn't for his kid i'm sure we'd be together.

SO here I am. Again. In love with someone I can't have.

I feel so uncomplete.