I'm sorry it's been so long!!!

When we moved to Hot Springs I didn't realize how much of my time would be taken out of the home and back into the insane and crazy. You all know me; I am good for a while and then "life" happens and I'm gone... Maverick and I have yet to have a child.. and I'm still struggling with my weight (I was doing awesome). We bought our first house together and then it burned down after we'd been in it for a month. I could careless about all the possessions we had; what kills me to this day is Drake & Kai are dead from the fire.

My paw prints ( 6-19-2013) for Drake and Kai RIP March 2013
 in honor and memory of Drakkus de Elder Thyme and Anunnaki Nysa who died in the house fire March of 2013

I got the "party dot" covered up that was on my hand and replaced it with this beautiful memorial to them. I miss my babies so much it hurts me. But I am slowly coming back together... Drake was almost 13 and Kai would have been 4. On top of the fire; I quit my job at the Car Lot (I don't think I've even talked to you guys about that place?!) I've been pursuing my own Photography Business. So that's pretty much it in a nutshell! I promise I'll try to stay around more... I wonder if there is still anyone out there reading this.

In Love, Laughter and Light...
Jester

words can not describe the pain and joy i feel inside

today was a happy day. started off blissfully with my MomI and Daddy with FMIL at the house enjoying coffee and breakfast while preparing for a drive to Memphis to pickout my wedding dress. We were also going to meetup with BioMom. This scenario has given me countless nightmares BUT, I tried on 3 dresses and the 3rd was the one and the nervousness finally dissapated. It was confirmed BioMom was going to be on her best behavior. We were all one huge happy family and I was absolutely thrilled and happy...

then...... devastation.

Great-Grandpa D might not be blood but I have known him 23 of my nearly 31 years on this earth. But he was still my great-grandpa. I am sad for my sister Raquel, MomJ and Grandma D (his daughter) and my other family from MomJ's side. I am so sad and heartbroken that he died today.

Happiness one minute and tears the next, I honestly don't think I can manage these complicated emotional tornados ripping through my insides without an explosion.

I love you, Grandpa D. I am filled with sorrow that you are gone and hearbroken that you won't see me say "I do" to the greatest man on earth. I am content with the knowledge that you won't feel anymore pain. I am glad your suffering was brief....but I will miss you until we meet again, You're faithful and loving great-grandaughter, J.

whoa!! did you see that?

I did and wish I hadn't.

for fear of pulling unwanted traffic from my family and IRL friends to the blog I am not going to tell you where I saw something happen that I wish I hadn't instead I'll show you pictures <--follow that link.

Yes, that happened on the way home from our vacation with my family doing wedding stuff. we were just seconds behind it and i can still see the fireballs in front of my eyes.

I am in shock still. I get teary over it. I can not begin to explain except that it was like a bomb going off in front of us. And the sound was horrendous.

I am thankful to be alive that we were not physically part of the crash yet I feel guilty for being one of the lucky ones. I feel sadness and my heart breaks for those who lost thier lives and thier families and we are praying for those involved and in the hospital.

follow the below links for news articles...
link 1
link 2
link to video cast news

New Life, Death and Regrets

About a month ago my Uncle H was diagnosed with a brain tumor, lung cancer and a lymphnoid infection... A few weeks ago they removed the tumor and started treating everything else... He died this morning. Uncle H was wife to daddy's sister Aunt A. Wonderful people who'd give you the shirt off thier back if you needed it. Daddy was 1 of 3 boys in a family of 7 there were 4 girls. Aunt A is the second oldest daughter. Uncle H is survived by many kids, grandkids and great grandkids. Our two families were close in that they were the only siblings in Arkansas on daddy's side of the family. We spent many thanksgivings and christmases with them when I was growing up. His funeral is on Saturday. We're going to make a quick trip to pay our respects.

Akira had her baby today. New life and Death all in one day. Its too many emotions for 1 person to handle at once. While I am extremely happy for Akira my heart is burdened with sadness over my uncle.

I regret not seeing them more often. Me and my cousins keep track online via FB but I have been a bad niece and not went to see my Aunt and Uncle as often as I should. I am very ashamed of myself. I never got to say Good-Bye. It'll haunt me forever. I pray saturday is not the last time I see my aunt alive. She had a double mastectomy a few years ago for breast cancer. I hear she's very frail and sick alot... Scary isn't it? I swore I'd be a better niece then but I never lived up to my promise.

rollercoaster week!

Monday I applied for a loan with bank A and was denied. Tuesday I applied for a loan with bank B and was approved on Wednesday. Wednesday the man and I went out and test drove a little Dodge Neon.

Yes, that is a sold sign you see hanging from the rearview mirror.

Earlier in the day I also got an awesome yearly review and sadly we have a wage freeze so I didn't get a raise..ugh. It would have been nice!

Yesterday we cruised around in the car and went out to celebrate at Chilis.

Today my dad told me that my UncleJ (who was AuntE's husband -go here and here) passed away. They were more like Grandparents than Aunt/Uncle because she was the oldest sibling and old enough to be daddy's mom. She pretty much wrapped her arms around all of us (my cousins) and became a surrogate grandma when daddy's momma passed away (her mom, too)... I couldn't get out to her funeral and I wont be able to get to his either... But I'll always remember him in my heart. Both of them. As I get older death is looking at me from every corner it seems.

We're going to visit Arkansas for memorial weekend in May. I'm going to go spend some time with BioMom's dad and see her biological mom while we're there. Losing the closest thing to a grandfather I've known on my dad's side (his father was murdered when he was a boy) is really opening my eyes I need to see my Grandparents as much as I can.

Rest In Peace UncleJ, you will be missed and are truly loved. My life is blessed because I had you there to share in it!

Remembering Nilla

Nilla was a hamster. she learned her name & came to us when we said it (in her cage & in her ball running the house). She would charge at Kai & push her out of the way. Nilla was so very smart. I would open her cage door & say "lets go play" & she'd crawl right into her ball. She will be missed for both ...the cute things she did & the little annoying ones too. The house feels emptier without her. Taranis buried her in the garden today. We put a paver over her grave for safety. She was burried in a tiny cardboard box-the material she loved to chew on most (aside from her tubes)...

Nilla on her way to her new home with us from the petstore 7/08

  

 Nilla exploring her new cage-she loved climbing the walls 7/08

She was an excersize fanatic

♥ that little face

she would pose when I broke out the camera. Hammy Hamster?

she loved running around us on the couch and fall asleep by my thigh when she was done exploring. 

Thank you to everyone who has given us your condolences.

R.I.P. Nilla...

she died today. burial tomorrow in the "flower garden".


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with Nextel Direct Connect

Rest in Peace Brittany Murphy

You will be missed, You are loved. The world is a darker place without your shining face.

(pic source)

liquid smoke

i apologize for any mistakes in grammer or spelling...i can't go back and proofread this.... writing it was hard enough

i got a glass of mt dew this morning and the cats swarmed me trying to get at it...

you'll be happy to know that Nilla did NOT chew on her plastic tubes lastnight. instead she ran in her wheel!

and Lo-Jack did not get out.

Drake (my siamese male) will sit on the couch and stare at the family photographs back there. It seems to me he's looking more to the one in the middle that's a picture of him and Mysterie (my 3yrs deceased hymalayan)...and I wonder if he looks at that picture of him and her and remembers her... They were very closely bonded.

When I was in highschool I had a friend who had a litter of kittens and the mom didn't make it and alot of the kittens didn't either. He did his best to keep them alive until he could find good homes for them. I got the Orange one. Spike. Oh he has a handsome fat cat! Well, not at first! lol But got there. And altho daddy said "no more pets Jenny!" I just had to have my Spike!! (Spike de Vampyre after you guessed it my love of TV vampire Spike on Buffy. ArmyGirl had it for Angel I had it for Spike. We were always destined to be oposites but still the greatest of friends forever!) We had 2 miniature chinese sharks daddy got from a Lady that he mowed her yard. She didn't like they'd eat her goldfish!! Guess her kids didn't think of that huh?! And we had this purplish blue crawdad lookin thing from the same lady. We kept them in seperate tanks... And as long as we bought fish that were the same size as the sharks they didn't try and eat them!

Fastforward a few and I got handed to me Scalawag from Coolio. I can't remember now why he couldn't keep her at first when his mom still lived there. he named her. i think maybe she was allergic? And a few years later when I was living at his house she ran out the door never to be seen again. It was really sad! but he found her a stray and sometimes they never get the wild out of thier hearts.

And then it was just good ole spike again.Me and my buddy! He was always a loveable guy. Liked to be held. Didn't mind riding in cars. He was so fat and furry and handsome! I'd take him cruising with me!

When I got my first apartment a friend of mine asked me since I was a cat lover if I'd want another one. I told her no but she showed me pictures and I could tell right away that Winston was a keeper and so I said yes and I became the proud owner of a short haired domestic white and tan male. I came home from work to find him laboring to breathe on the floor. There was blood around his mouth. I took him to the vet and he had a hole in is lung. a birth defect his body could no longer maintain. He died that day. I was very distraught. I swore I'd never have another animal again....it was just going to be me and Spike forever! I'd only had him 3 months and I askd the vet to dispose of him. I felt like I'd failed him...I wish now I'd kept him.

And then I went to visit a friend of mine who's Siamese cat had babies...Oh she pressured me into seeing them. And there was one that stood out from the crowd. And he walked over to me and just sat there looking at me... I gave in. I said "ok, I'll take him/her". And I did. I was reading a book about this colony of dragons and one of thier leaders was named Drakkus de Elder and so I named him Drakkus de Elder Thyme. My friend Everlight said that it felt like Drake was an old soul and suggested I add Time and I made it Thyme for my love of cooking!! I remember me saying "Spike, I need your help. I need you to help me train this little guy. Make sure he pottys in the right place". And Spike picked up Drake by his neck and took him to the litter box and pushed his butt down on the sand! I was in awe. No hissing. No "get this ass away from me" just total love. The same way he was with all other cats. A gentlegiant.

Flashfoward about 6 months now? It's a cold and rainy night. We're across the street from our townhouse complex at the local hangout when a former hs acquantance pulls up with her mom... We're talking to them and I notice something on the front seat. I said "what is that a rat?!" and she said "oh no, that's my daughters' kittten. she's not very good with her."...............you guessed it a little kitten being abused and neglected. so I said "Can I hold her" and once I had her in my arms they went into the store for drinks and to pay for thier gas...I just walked away with the kitten in my arms. She was so bad. We took her to the vet. I explained the situation to him and he said he didn't think there was anything he could do but he'd try. We left her with him. We went and visited daily. We ended up calling her "the mystery cat" while she was in the hospital. and then his nurse called and i knew it was bad news but she said we could come and pick her up!! that we were the proud owners of a Hymalayan and as soon as her furr grew back and she finished all her meds and mended she'd be so preetty!! And she was. she was beautiful!! The vet walked in with her in his arms and said "it was touch and go. i believe she's stable now. it had to be devine intervention. she was ment to be yours." and handed her to me. And that was how she got her name: Mysterious Devyne.

So here we have 3 cats. Spike (the oldest), Drake & new addition Mysterie. H's brother moves in with his cat Satan. and we tried to adopt a black cat named Miss Diva and Tan & Cream cat we named Maige Intuition. We ended up giving Diva away to a single cat home. She never got along with the other cats. And then Spike suddenly got very ill. He dropped all his weight in less than a week. It was so quick. I rushed him  to the vet that confirmed Spike had feline lukemia. He'd never had it before & we always got them vaccinated. He said we had a choice: put him to sleep or give him meds to try and make his quality of life better...I couldn't stand to put my Spike asleep. I shut him up in my bedroom upstairs. We got the other cats in the house tested and washed everything from top to bottom. Maige and Spike positive. Maige showing no signs or symptoms... Satan, Drake & Myst negative. He was deeply concerned about her already suppressed immune system due to her early months in life...

A month later Spike died on my bed. I came home and Juggalo said to H said that all the cats were trying to get under the door. He opened it, they rushed in. Jumped on the bed and sat around Spike. He said Spike stared at Drake. Meowed and quit breathing. The cats left but Drake stayed next to him. We had a memorial funeral thing and I had him cremated...Drake has never left my side since. They swear that Spike was giving Drake his orders that he is in charge now. I've heard that from alot of people saying animals do that in a pack.

Maige continued to live with no symptoms for a year. And then he got sick. and I couldn't do to him what I did to Spike. It was too hard. The suffering, the loss. The injections. The pain... I put him to sleep. He was cremated.

And for years and years it was Drake & Myst. Those 2 were so close! Literally inseperable. And then I moved to chicagoland. And then she got sick. I had just gotten them thier vaccinations and shots. They'd just been tested in arkansas and they were both fine! And out of nowhere. She got sick. the vet said more than likely a flea got on her from Crystal's dogs and it was diseased. It ate away at her like Aids and that's exactly what it was, feline Aids. There was nothing to do. After all those years ago I risked theft charges to save her life and this?! this is what she was going to die from! too early in our lives she was taken away from me. I felt so lost. And Drake just cried and meowed for weeks and weeks. I know he missed her so much. When I came home from the vet and my arms were empty he just sat there looking at me so accusingly. It broke my heart even more.

The loss of Spike was devasting but the loss of Mysterious seemed to hit me like no other grief I had ever felt before. I had her cremated. All 3 of them are in urns in my living room in the TV cabinet. I have a special Tarot deck for all of them. I have retired the decks and they are with them next to thier urns. Drake and Kai have thier own decks too.

When Mysterious passed away I was looking through my very first deck of Tarot cards and the Fool was gone. It was there before she died I know it was. (The Fool being my soul card everytime I've ever drawn a spread that showed a soul card it came up the Fool) And that is how the Tarot Deck honoring starting. I placed the deck at her feet. It felt like I had lost my soul when she died. Its with her. Altho she was never interested in working with Tarot, it was only right to give her that deck. And then I took the deck I worked with when me and Spike use to do the cards together and put them at his feet. And then I took the set I'd never used but I bought because they reminded me of Maige and put them at his feet. I have 3 decks now that are in use: the Dragon tarot for Drake, the Goddess Oracle for Kai and the Cosmic Tarot for myself.

And so after I've sworn off pets forever it was going to be just Drake for all eternity...I now have 2 hamsters and another cat. The losses of my prior children were devastating. But I have a big heart. And alot of love to give. And if they're with me, then I know they are in a good home!

Spike de Vampyre

Spring 1998- Spring 2001

Maige Intuition

Autumn 2000-February 2002

Mysterious Devyne

October 2000 - October 2006

Drakkus de Elder Thyme

Born May 2000

Anunnaki Nysa (Kai)

Born April 2009

Riddle Me This...: Don't Let Those Chickens Come Home to Roost

Riddle Me This...: Don't Let Those Chickens Come Home to Roost

My very first boss as an attorney died suddenly recently. Well, it was sudden to me. For him, it was a rare form of cancer that dragged out over several months. I only found out about it because I had emailed him asking him to act as a reference for a position for which I was interviewing. Unfortunately, my last line in the email was "I hope this finds you well." He was not well. His wife responded that he would have been glad to help but that he was dying and only had a few weeks to live. At first I thought it was a joke, but even he wouldn't joke about that. He didn't even last a week after that email.

I encourage each and every one of you to go over and read the rest of Dani's post...

Make sure you have a tissue and an open heart to learning a valuable lesson.

Thank you, Dani! Thank you for sharing your story with us.

gonna make this short and sweet...

i havn't been talkative lately because all the stuff i want to talk about is stuff i can't talk about. and its been heavy and has nothing to do directly with me and my man it has more to do with other people... and might have something to do with work...

that being said.

i am going to go watch a tv show memoralizing Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett who i can't believe both of them died today. i am truly saddened.

tomorrow i have another epidural and i'll catch up on blogs and write more over the weekend... please forgive me!!

rest in peace...

left is Spike deVampyre
center is Mysterious Devyne
right is Maige Intuition



because i couldn't find a matching urn for Myst i bought 3 of a set for her and the other 2 boys. i kept the originals and have them packed away. plus they were clear glass and did freak a few people out... Each one has thier own Tarot deck that you see infront of thier urn. Drake has his own Tarot deck as well and I made his bag, its a Camo color bag. I also made Drake's bag, Crystal made Mysts' bag and Pebbles made Maige's bag.

i couldn't stand the thought of burying them and never being near thier grave again to visit so i cremated them when they passed and i keep them with me. I have a "memorial" set up for them in a curio cabinet.

i've taken part of Mysts' ashes and created a "keep sake" thing for my ex Hephaestus. I'm going to give him when we go down to drop off Drake in 2 weeks. I'm sentimental like that. i hope he appreciates it. I took a tarot card from her deck that I thought reflects Myst and put it with her ashes. Her ashes are wrapped up and sealed inside a pink packet and there is a silvery green silkish bag that I put that into along with the tarot card and black rose petals i used in her memorial. there is already a card missing, when she passed away I was using the deck and noticed that my soul/personality card was missing. I like to think she took it with her to stay close to me.

well, that's my creepiness for the day. i finally found an urn set that matches. now the trick is to be able to find one that matches when i need one for Drake. which hopefully won't be for another 50 years.....

i don't know what i'll do with Nilla and Lo-Jack. I don't even want to THINK of it. I love my babies so much even if they are animals/critters and not human.

Babies

I got dishearting news today from 2 people close to me regarding thier pregnancies.

Pic had her ultra sound on Friday and found out she's having a little boy. However, the doctors are concerned because it looks like there might be a hole in or a mass on his heart. And the same goes for his skull as well. Other than that the doctors say he's in good size and the heartbeat was strong. They did all her blood work and rescheduled her to go back in this coming Friday or is next friday? Either way, thier keeping an eye on her baby. And like any mother would, she's panicing.

Alabama, my "1st friend in ChiTown", went in for her 6 month checkup early in december and they said everything was fine, she had a cold but the doctors were not concerned. After a week it had turned into bronchitus and she wasn't really feeling the baby move anymore. She went back into the doctor to have them tell her that her son died in the womb. She gave birth to a 1 lb 13 oz baby boy a week or so before christmas that was stillborn.

I can't imagine what they are going through but I completely understand this is completely devastating to them. And I just want to request everyone to please send thier thoughts and prayers to my 2 friends and thier families in thier time of need.

Relay for Life - The Finale

Got to work this morning and busted my ass to get as much done as possible. Ofcourse, I got some done but not enough before 1pm hit and it was time to head over to the Relay site.

I walked as a team member but chickened out at the last minute to walk in the survivor lap. I was given my "bag of goodies" and I don't know what happened. I was all set to do it and be out there and "come out" (like i'm not already out, it's just really hard to talk about most of the time and if no one knows then i don't have to talk about it) and just didn't put on my survivor sash or t-shirt.

I get all geared up to talk about it and share my experiences over the past 10 years and then the lady who had brain cancer goes up there and starts talking about her story and i feel like i'm a poser and loser. Altho I *know* I'm not. I still feel unworthy to walk with the others in the survivor lap or to wear said gear I was given.

One of the ladies who gave out the gear to the survivors came up to me and asked me why I didn't walk with the others and I tried to explain to her how I felt and she just said "I hope next year you'll be more comfortable and decide to join us in the survivor lap" and she was really nice about it. I just hate putting myself out there so raw. but hey! what I am doing on this blog huh? exactly!

So anyways, other than having sore feet, my back killing me and getting way hot and rained on. It was a very fun and nice event. We're all signed up for the next one. We're going to start fundraising early and beat our $2,200 we raised this time. The total raised was over 50 thousand dollars. Can you believe that?

I got to know some of my coworkers better and it was nice to put a face to a name. I got to "schmooz" a few high executives from corporations that use us for thier meeting space. I've gotten to talk to a few on the phone regarding thier billing preferences but it was a good publicity for us to go out and meet them face to face as well.

This being our 1st Relay event we weren't all that organized and what we thought about some things turned out completely differently. So I'm pretty sure that our goals and setup for the actual event next year will be less public minded and more our walkers minded.

And next time I will proudly wear my shirt and sash. And I will walk in the survivors lap. I will try really hard not to chicken out. It'll help if Joe will promise to walk in the "caregivers" group to meet the survivors in the middle and walk the rest of the way with them. He thinks he doesn't qualify but the simple fact that he loves me and he's with me makes him qualify. He has to deal with all the emotions and uncontrolable issues that seem so unending right along with me. It's a hard job to love someone who's sick or has been sick in the past and could come up sick again at anytime.

I've got pins from this years' event and I'm going to put them on my pushboard at work to remind me to be brave, to be strong and that my cancer issues are just as important as anyone else's. that I'm not a loser, I'm not a poser and I'm proud to be a survivor, too.

And now it's time for this wore out person to drag her ass to bed. I'll get pictures from those who took em from work and post some.

Relay for Life

Each year, across the nation, one event brings together entire communities to take part in the fight against cancer. That event is the American Cancer Society Relay For Life®. It’s a time and place where people come to celebrate those who have survived cancer, remember those we’ve lost, and fight back against a disease that touches too many lives.

This year I'm walking. If you would like to help and make a donation please contact me privately at geminitwinsfyre at yahoo dot com for the appropriate information. I'm not putting this information publicly because then anyone would know exactly where i work and I would still like to keep atleast a little bit of anonimity.

If you would like to view the link and misc information regarding Relay for Life please visit this website. --keep in mind you can do a search for me to donate in my name if you know who I am in real life. If you don't know me personally and would like to donate in my name & don't know who to search for in the participants just email the above address and I'll let you know.

Death of an Icon & Being a Good Samaritan

woke up this morning to the news that George Carlin had passed away. Here is an excerpt on the details:

LOS ANGELES - Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television. Some People Are Stupid. Stuff. People I Can Do Without. George Carlin, who died of heart failure Sunday at 71, leaves behind not only a series of memorable routines, but a legal legacy: His most celebrated monologue, a frantic, informed riff on those infamous seven words, led to a Supreme Court decision on broadcasting offensive language.

The counterculture hero's jokes also targeted things such as misplaced shame, religious hypocrisy and linguistic quirks — why, he once asked, do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Carlin, who had a history of heart trouble, went into St. John's Health Center in Santa Monica on Sunday afternoon complaining of chest pain and died later that evening, said his publicist, Jeff Abraham. He had performed as recently as last weekend at the Orleans Casino and Hotel in Las Vegas.

"He was a genius and I will miss him dearly," Jack Burns, who was the other half of a comedy duo with Carlin in the early 1960s, told The Associated Press.

The actor Ben Stiller called Carlin "a hugely influential force in stand-up comedy. He had an amazing mind, and his humor was brave, and always challenging us to look at ourselves and question our belief systems, while being incredibly entertaining. He was one of the greats."

Carlin constantly breached the accepted boundaries of comedy and language, particularly with his routine on the "Seven Words" — all of which are taboo on broadcast TV to this day.

When he uttered all seven at a show in Milwaukee in 1972, he was arrested on charges of disturbing the peace, freed on $150 bail and exonerated when a Wisconsin judge dismissed the case, saying it was indecent but citing free speech and the lack of any disturbance.

When the words were later played on a New York radio station, they resulted in a 1978 Supreme Court ruling upholding the government's authority to sanction stations for broadcasting offensive language during hours when children might be listening.

"So my name is a footnote in American legal history, which I'm perversely kind of proud of," he told The Associated Press earlier this year.

Read More

He was the funniest comedian ever (in my humble opinion). He will be greatly missed by me.

Work was a bit of a hellstorm. It was one problem after another to fix. If they don't do something about the people in reservations and the front desk getting things screwed up and backwards I don't believe I'll have my sanity much longer. Ontop of catering billing issues and golfing...sigh

today after work Joe and I decided to walk along the trails in the Busse Woods/Forest Preserve. You might not beable to see the deer (i tried to show you where in the pics) but we saw a baby deer and took its picture.





And then as we're going along our merry way we come acrost this older woman all by herself trying to stop people and they are just riding/biking/running/walking past her...completely ignoring the fact that she's alive... we almost did ourselves and instead we stopped and talked to her. She was a little ole mexican woman left alone by her son in law and some others while they went to ride bikes, that was at 3pm. we found her at 6:30. she'd been out there by herself for 3 hours. she didn't know any english at all so atfirst i called one of the girls from the spa that's mexican. and thankfully ended up running into another man who knows spanish. I called 911 and the officers that came out thanked me for calling them. They said they couldn't imagine (but i bet they could) what would happen to her alone at night lost in the woods. It was the only thing I could think of was to call for help. I couldn't just leave her there alone and scared. She was crying. I feel horrible for her.

I had tried talking to one of her kids on the phone (a daughter in new york) and she kept sayin over and over (because she couldn't understand english well either) "my mom is with brother in law" over and over again, she couldn't understand that i was trying to tell her that her mother was lost and abandoned. the police officers said that they will take her home and find out WHY they left her there alone. I wish one of em would call me and let me know how it turned out but I guess they don't do that.

So we did our good citizen deed today. then came home and made some nacho type stuff. it wasn't bad. now we're just chillin. i'm off tomorrow (thank the gods) and i'll be cleaning and doing laundry, etc.

..........I really hope they can help that lady and if she's in a bad situation help her get out of it, maybe send her to her Daughter in New York. What kind of people just run off and leave an old person alone by themselves in an area they obviously don't know?! Said woman and her family live INSIDE chicago, not in the suburbs where we found her...... Fucking Idiots I wanna beat them down.

Guess Who Died....

Anna Nicole Smith dies after collapse
Former model, 39, found unresponsive in Florida hotel room

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. - Anna Nicole Smith, the former Playboy playmate whose bizarre life careened from marrying an octogenarian billionaire to the untimely death of her son, died Thursday after collapsing at a South Florida hotel, one of her lawyers said.

Smith, 39, collapsed and was unresponsive while staying at the Seminole Hard Rock Cafe Hotel and Casino, said the attorney, Ron Rale. She was rushed to a hospital.

“I can confirm that she is deceased. It’s as shocking to me as to you guys,” Rale told Reuters. “I don’t know anything further. (Her lawyer and husband) Howard (K. Stern) obviously is speechless and grieving.”

So my roomates bought the Nintendo Wii.

I've kinda had my eye on the PS3. I've had a PSone. Traded it in for a PS2 which I currently have. Guess I could always trade in my PS2 for the 3 since it is backwards compatable. We'll see. I just don't feel like spending that much money for it. Fucking expensive. And still has a few bugs. I think I'll do what I did with the 2 and just wait a while til the price drops and the buggies are fixed. Or as close to fixed as possible. That, and I'm not liking the review Game Informer game them on the whole screen compatability. Looks like I might have to invest in a new tv as well when I do. *sigh*

My super nintendo died on me. So, that sucks. I can't play my mortal kombat. Or street fighter. Or Gradius III. I still have my mustang & ford racing games I play on the 2. There are a few games that looking really interesting that I wouldn't mind checking out that are for the 3. And ofcourse there are games I would like to play still that are on the 2. I'm just such a freakin penny pincher when it comes to my money. Even tho I want it, I wont always let myself have it.

But, I did splurge on myself lastnight. I bought a new deck. Its called the Dragon Tarot by Terry Donaldson. I also got the Witches almanac for 2007 as well as a book (its about 2 1/2 to 3 inches thick) on nothing but Gemini trivia, etc. Its sweet. And I bought the Grimoire for the Green Witch by Ann Moura that I've had my eye on for a long time now. I would say that the bonus check I got from theFirm that I wasn't expecting went to good use.

I added my old decks to my 'alter of the dead' or whatever you wanna call it. I've had 3 'babies' pass away. (Still haven't found an urn for Mysterious Devyne) I was on the phone with someone special lastnight and we were talking about the new deck. I broke it out while we were talking and looking through it. Drake is obsessed with this deck. And I asked him if he wanted it to mine and his deck and he loved all over it. Which reminded me that I had 'put away' Spike's deck that I had bought when he was alive for me and him to work with. I took it out of its special place and put it next to his urn on the alter.

Then I realized something. The 3 decks that I have 'retired' have each something in common with the 3 of my babies that have passed on....

The first deck I'd ever owned is the mini Rider Wait deck. I used it to find my Soul, Personality & Spirit card during my first learning days. The Fool came up for all 3 spreads which means it is my Soul, Personality & Sprit card. Which fits seeing as how I'm a gemini.

Well, not to long after Hephaestus & I got married, that card dissapeared out of that first deck. I broke it out to show a friend of mine cuz they had never seen a mini deck before. And low and behold, we notice its gone. The Fool card that is. So it was permantly retired but I'd never toss it, oh no. But I had the Cosmic tarot that I was working with as my main deck at that point in time so it didn't hamper anything.

As you all may remember when Mysterious died in October I felt like I had lost my Soul. That my spirit would not go on and she had so much of my peronality in her. I've honored her with that deck. It now sits next to her on the alter.

And then I have the Gothic Vampire Tarot. I had aquired it the same way I had aquired Maige. Someone thought I'd enjoy it (My mentor) and gave it to me (the deck). A friend of mine thought that I'd be a better home for Maige than her, so she gave him to me. Both had a magickal quality about them that took my breathe away. Sometimes I'd break out the Gothic Vamp and work with Maige a little with it. He was my magickal baby. And so now, the Gothic Vampire deck rests with Maige.

I now have a deck for all of my children. For all of my familairs on this journey that I've followed for a long time. And ofcourse, I have my own personal deck and that one has been the Cosmic deck for about 6 years now, I think.

The Dragon Tarot is now Drake's; its the Mythical creatures he was named after. I think there is a reason why I was moved to buy that deck yesterday. It is a time for me & him to move forward spiritually together. And he is my little dragon. I think he's going to be an excellent source and guide just like Spike was. And I believe this was Spike's intention all along. I could feel him urging me on to buy it. Altho at the time I wasn't sure why until I was explaining what some of the cards ment and describing the symbolism used to my friend over the phone and there is Drake staring intently and listening in fascination.

Spike learned the tarot fast and was always a great help when I was stumped. Drake has tried in the past and I never put 2 & 2 together to equal 4 until now.

I might be down to One. And that's how I began, was with One. With Spike. Just me and my Son. After Spike passed away Drake seemed to have stepped in and taken over the roll that Spike had. He started following me around. Never letting me out of his sight, etc. I knew that he had been charged. It was time to move forward. I miss my Spike so very much. And I miss my daugther as well. And ofcourse I miss my Maige Intuition, he was always right there when we were casting a circle and talking about paganism. But they are with us both in our hearts, minds & spiritually. I can feel them everyday when I wake up and every night when I lay my head down to sleep, I can still feel them taking thier positions. Mysterious at my Head curled in front of my face on her side of the Pillow. Spike behind my head with his paw on my cheek. Maige laying at the back of the thighs/knees. And ofcourse never to be out done, Drake sleeping on top of my chest/back depending if i'm on my tummy or back.

Now more than ever, I finally feel content. I finally feel like I'm not missing anything in my life. Now more than ever I feel like I am where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing.

~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~
Feeling: Content


Listening to: "Single" by Natasha Beddingfield

Her time has come

I got the call a few hours ago. My Aunt has passed away. Altho I know she's in a better place, it still hurts. How I wish I could have been there. That is so morbid. But the final memories I have of her frm the last time I saw her would still be the final memories of current... Her laying in a bed, dying. Not looking like herself. Already a ghost in a shell.

Thankfully, she rests easy. She rests in peace. There is no more pain, no more suffering.

I felt it. It was like a shock through my system. Like when AuntDot died last year. It was a feeling of sudden peace, calm, blackness - but not a bad blackness. Like drifting off to sleep, but I was still awake.

And then my phone rang. And it was Feather. She and I seem to be starting a pattern here. When AuntDot died she was the one who called. And tonight, when AuntE passed away, it was Feather to deliver the news.

I dont know what comes next. I dont know what happens when we die. I know that I can feel my Spike, Maige & Mysterie with me. I can feel AuntDot and other loved ones that are gone with me at times too.

During vacations to TN when I was a little girl, I use to sleep on the couch, or on a pallet on the floor in the room adjoining my Grandma's room (daddy's mom). After she passed away and I got older, they had me sleep in her room. There were nights that I swear I could feel her sitting on the edge of the bed patting my foot like she did when I was on the couch layin down for bed. And there were a few times I woke in the middle of the night and I could see her. Standing in the door way or at the foot of my bed.

Granted, all that could have been power of suggestion because I was sleeping in her old room. However, I don't know. I believe in Ghosts/Spirits. I would hope that my Grandma is not a lost spirit roaming around unsettled and restless. I hope that she moved on. I like to think of her as an Angel now. Shining down. A form of an Angel atleast, but then you start getting tricky with the Variance of Religious beliefs, etc.

I just know my Aunt isn't in pain anymore. Or, atleast we can hold onto the thought that she's not in anymore pain and that she's in abetter place.

Sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up. No, I'm not suicidal. Been there, done that. My dad & sisters kept me alive. Just the thought of them passing through my mind at that key moment had me throwing away the sleeping pills along with the bottle of crown royal. I dont' have suicidal thoughts. Atleast one point in everyone's lives they wish they could just 'go away' get life over.

And then someone close to you does die. And you realize how precious and little this time on earth we have really is.

I've lost my Daughter. I've lost my Aunt. They say death comes in 3s. I'd hate to think of who would be next. Altho I doubt my Uncle is far behind his wife. He's not doing so well himself. And she was his entire world. I pray for him to have the strength to see through this. Gods please, give him the strength.

Last year, when AuntE first got sick. We made an emergency trip to TN to see her. They said then that she wouldn't make it through the night. She's been with us for a little over a year. A tormenting year for her. Pain and surgeries and more pain.

I remember whenever I first walked into that hospital room and saw her lying there she looked just like my Grandma. I wanted to turn around and say "It's not Aunt E. its grandma, grandma's alive" But deep down in my heart, I knew better and I kept my mouth shut.

I've been beating myself up for years now, that I did something stupid when my Grandma first got sick. She was fine, at the time as far as we knew, and it was summer time. I was out with my friends at this place called the Narrows. I fell of a cliff and broke my ankle. When I got home from the ER daddy told me grandma was sick and they weren't expecting her to make it. He had to go by himself. I couldn't go.

3 months later she died. And I never got the chance to say good bye.

It was so 'sudden'. I've had a year to say good-bye to my Aunt. And it still doesn't seem like enough. she asked where I was and they told her I had moved and couldn't make it. She said to tell me she loves me. They told her I love her too.

She was a very miraculous and awesome lady.

Aunt E, I love you. I'm happy you dont feel anymore pain. But I'm sad and my heart breaks, I'll never see you again.


~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~
Feeling: Sad


Listening to: My tears, silence

Re: Mysterious Devyne

Mysterie died last night at about 8:55 pm. She had a
blood disease that was incurable. I had to put her to
sleep. She was too far gone for help.