Her time has come

I got the call a few hours ago. My Aunt has passed away. Altho I know she's in a better place, it still hurts. How I wish I could have been there. That is so morbid. But the final memories I have of her frm the last time I saw her would still be the final memories of current... Her laying in a bed, dying. Not looking like herself. Already a ghost in a shell.

Thankfully, she rests easy. She rests in peace. There is no more pain, no more suffering.

I felt it. It was like a shock through my system. Like when AuntDot died last year. It was a feeling of sudden peace, calm, blackness - but not a bad blackness. Like drifting off to sleep, but I was still awake.

And then my phone rang. And it was Feather. She and I seem to be starting a pattern here. When AuntDot died she was the one who called. And tonight, when AuntE passed away, it was Feather to deliver the news.

I dont know what comes next. I dont know what happens when we die. I know that I can feel my Spike, Maige & Mysterie with me. I can feel AuntDot and other loved ones that are gone with me at times too.

During vacations to TN when I was a little girl, I use to sleep on the couch, or on a pallet on the floor in the room adjoining my Grandma's room (daddy's mom). After she passed away and I got older, they had me sleep in her room. There were nights that I swear I could feel her sitting on the edge of the bed patting my foot like she did when I was on the couch layin down for bed. And there were a few times I woke in the middle of the night and I could see her. Standing in the door way or at the foot of my bed.

Granted, all that could have been power of suggestion because I was sleeping in her old room. However, I don't know. I believe in Ghosts/Spirits. I would hope that my Grandma is not a lost spirit roaming around unsettled and restless. I hope that she moved on. I like to think of her as an Angel now. Shining down. A form of an Angel atleast, but then you start getting tricky with the Variance of Religious beliefs, etc.

I just know my Aunt isn't in pain anymore. Or, atleast we can hold onto the thought that she's not in anymore pain and that she's in abetter place.

Sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up. No, I'm not suicidal. Been there, done that. My dad & sisters kept me alive. Just the thought of them passing through my mind at that key moment had me throwing away the sleeping pills along with the bottle of crown royal. I dont' have suicidal thoughts. Atleast one point in everyone's lives they wish they could just 'go away' get life over.

And then someone close to you does die. And you realize how precious and little this time on earth we have really is.

I've lost my Daughter. I've lost my Aunt. They say death comes in 3s. I'd hate to think of who would be next. Altho I doubt my Uncle is far behind his wife. He's not doing so well himself. And she was his entire world. I pray for him to have the strength to see through this. Gods please, give him the strength.

Last year, when AuntE first got sick. We made an emergency trip to TN to see her. They said then that she wouldn't make it through the night. She's been with us for a little over a year. A tormenting year for her. Pain and surgeries and more pain.

I remember whenever I first walked into that hospital room and saw her lying there she looked just like my Grandma. I wanted to turn around and say "It's not Aunt E. its grandma, grandma's alive" But deep down in my heart, I knew better and I kept my mouth shut.

I've been beating myself up for years now, that I did something stupid when my Grandma first got sick. She was fine, at the time as far as we knew, and it was summer time. I was out with my friends at this place called the Narrows. I fell of a cliff and broke my ankle. When I got home from the ER daddy told me grandma was sick and they weren't expecting her to make it. He had to go by himself. I couldn't go.

3 months later she died. And I never got the chance to say good bye.

It was so 'sudden'. I've had a year to say good-bye to my Aunt. And it still doesn't seem like enough. she asked where I was and they told her I had moved and couldn't make it. She said to tell me she loves me. They told her I love her too.

She was a very miraculous and awesome lady.

Aunt E, I love you. I'm happy you dont feel anymore pain. But I'm sad and my heart breaks, I'll never see you again.


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Feeling: Sad


Listening to: My tears, silence