Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Have A Seat, While I Tell You A Story

28 1/2 years ago I was born. It was a stormy night. Tornados. My birth mom was in some severe pain with me. I didn't mean to be a pain --but I was indeed. My grandparents tell me I was the perfect baby. I didn't cry. I was never fussy. But I wanted my mom's attention. But that attention was never given to me. My father took care of me with my grandparents. And eventually some mental problems that my mother has ended up in my parents getting a divorce.

While the divorce was going on I was in foster care. I obviously don't remember being in foster care. I do remember living with my Aunt when I got older. I remember thinking that her 2 sons were my brothers. And I remember how confused I was when my father had finally gotten the courts to give him full custody of me... All thanks to grandparents: My Birth Mother's parents helped my father fight for me in court.

I can't thank them enough. I love my mother, but I am lucky to have been raised by the greatest man in the world. He's not always perfect, but he's perfect in my eyes. Whether it's the memories I have of him playing in his band and watching them on stage to seeing him preaching on the pulpit. I am proud of my father...

I made a few mistakes in my life. Mistakes that I thought would make my father want to disown me. The first one was when I lost my virginity, but as any father would he yelled at me and grounded me and told me I should thank my lucky stars the pregnancy test came up negative and I wasn't pregnant. 3 days later my period started. I hated him then. But I look back and see he did what he did because he loved me. And I thank him now for all the groundings, the yelling, the times he took a belt to my ass, etc.

I did my share of skipping school and experemting with drugs and just being a stupid teenager. But most of that stopped when daddy got hurt and had to go on disability.

Because of my "circle of friends" I've not always had the best taste in the people I dated. My boyfriends were "thugs" --or I should say "wanna be thug" and they were all much older than me. I've always been "more mature" than all my friends because I had to grow up way too fast. I use to work to help support me and my father while we waited for his disability to go through after his accident. I always figured that if I found a good enough man that he could help me help support me and my father --but none of my boyfriends wanted that. They wanted sex. and to get high and drunk. And I love sex. So they got sex...and i wanted to get high. and i wanted to be drunk. Sigh. I hate admiting that.

But I ended up meeting someone different. And the 1st night I met him he was the most amazing man. He told me everything that I'd longed to hear from a guy. He was a few years older than me and and I was still in high school. I was kinda friends with his cousin. And his cousin set us up. It was great at first. All fun and games. He'd drive from where he lived to see me every weekend. While I was working he'd stay with his cousin and when I got off work we'd spend our time together. One night I got drunk with his cousin and a friend of CousinRs and cheated on him. I was a mess afterwards and vowed it'd never happen again. I confessed to H and he forgave me. He kinda freaked at first, but understood I made a bad judgement call --and agreed to forgive and forget.

One weekend we all did something really stupid and his car ended up getting impounded and he lost his job because there was no way to get him to work. By this time I was no longer in high school. But I was working fulltime for Raquel's mom at her Tanning Salon and taking classes at the local nursing home.

I have to say that the great thing about where we lived is I had alot of great friends. And those friends of mine became his friends as well. And we tried to get it to where he could live with me at Daddy's --but daddy didn't like my boyfriend. Didn't matter he was smart and tall and cute. Daddy didn't like him but wanted to be fair to me. But would not let him move in with us. So he ended up staying with his cousin and our friend Coolio back n forth and one of thier uncles who was on the road alot. Soon fall came and I was working fulltime at the hospital. I was going back n forth between Daddys, Coolios and cousinR's and thier uncles' place. Hephaestus got a gig with the fair when they came to town (he wasn't working and I was torn between money for my dad and money to give H). The guy at the fair gave H a fulltime gig running with them. And off he went into the sunset, he was going to be a Carnie and send money home for us to save and get our own place...

(I don't like talking about this next part)

Coolio and I drove to one of the sites they were at --about 3 months after they'd left town. H had been writing me, but I couldn't really write to him since they moved around weekly. But Coolio and I went to Pine Bluff and spent a few days there. H paid for our hotel rooms. He hadn't sent me any money at all, btw. I was trying to save up and help daddy. But by this time daddy had met his current wife and his disability had come through. --they weren't married yet but he was with her alot and she worked at the hospital too.

So one night, a friend of mine asked me and another friend of mine if we'd like to come over for a birthday party for her. This friend of mine had always tried to get me to date him and I told him over and over I had nothing but friends feelings for him. I got wasted and passed out. And he took that opportunity to take advantage of the situation... My friend's husband kicked him to the curb. I didn't contact the police because we were all under 21 and didn't want my friends to get into trouble. Instead we used the good ole boy club and I contacted CousinR who I wanted to contact H and have him come straight home. I wanted him home with me. I felt unsafe. CousinR and his friends took matters into thier own hands. H came home once he found out what happened. He quit his job as a carnie and was mugged in Little Rock on his way home to me.

H got a job with Coolio working at Tyson. I was still working at the hospital. Coolio said H could move in with him because his mom moved in with her mom to help take care of her. Now --we were ok at this point. We didn't really fight and things were smooth. All couples had thier arguments but it was nothing serious. Coolio spent most of his time playing computer games and so did H. I was bored and read alot or watched Cooio and his games becaues his were video not text like H's was.

Coolio met a girl and started dating her. Sometimes she'd be home alone with H. We all didn't always have the same days off --which could sometimes prove difficult and I mostly still lived with daddy alot of the time because it was easier for me to get back n forth to work.

Well, Coolio's girlfriend confessed to Coolio one night that she and H had been having an affair. H and I were rocky because we didn't spend alot of time together anymore and when we did I felt like he ignored me. I didn't feel like we were boyfriend and girlfriend altho we were. Sometimes he'd tell me he wanted me to live with him at Coolios and other times he'd tell me to leave and it wasn't my place why was I there all the time, he needed his space. I was there sleeping most of the time. We all worked nights and when you work nights your either sleeping or working. And besides, Coolio was my bestfriend at the time -we were like brother & sister.

H's uncle came home from off the road on thier biweekly weekend leave and he went and picked me up from work and it was agreed by everyone that he'd pick me up and take me to his place and get my stuff before H got off work. When we walked into the house I still wasn't sure what was going on --he was trying to tell me that H was having relations with someone else but I wouldn't believe it. And sure enough, he was sitting on the couch kissing her neck and brushing her hair when we pulled up in the car. Needless to say a huge fight broke out and his uncle called Coolio and he came and picked me up.

So the point is: She told Coolio that she and H were sleeping around and she wanted to be with H but the only way for that to happen was for it all to come out in the open. So Coolio kicked H out and H moved in fulltime with his aunt & uncle. I practically ended up living with Coolio. And yes, we did do what we did and we did take comfort in each other. Altho it was nothing more than just sex. rebound sex.

During all this I ended up going to the doctor for my yearly exam and checkup --and it was rumoured that the girl Coolio and H slept with had a disease so I went to get checked out. The doctor did thier tests and sure enough, there was something wrong with me, but it wasn't an STD. I had abnormal cells on my cervix --they said they normally go away on thier own but with the stage they were in they had the chance to already and didn't. More tests were needed as well as a biopsy and I was sent home.

I had some vacation time saved up at the hospital and my doc signed for me to get a "medical leave" signed off and I moved out of Coolio's and back into my parent's house for a week until I got my next check and bought a bus ticket to Chicago. I stayed in chicago for a month --long enough to take a "needed break" while I waited for the biopsy results.

When I got back home I went back to work and started saving up for a deposit on my own place. H and Coolio were still not speaking but still at Tyson working the same shifts --thankfully transfered to different departments. While there H met another woman and ended up moving in with her and going back n forth between her place and his aunt and uncles.

I saved up enough money and moved out of my parents house and got my 1st apartment. It was only a few blocks from their place because I was informed by the docs I had stage 2 going on 3 cervical cancer. I needed treatments and surgeries and my parents didn't want me to be alone or too far. My old friend Tank started staying with me when I got too sick with the pills and had to be off work for a while because I tore a muscle in my back. but before that -- I ran in to H at McDonalds. He was working there part time on the weekends. My mom and my sister Pebbles and I were out buying new things for my apartment.

I ran outside and stopped him. I asked him how he was doing and I told him I understood if he never wanted to speak to me again,but I wanted to let him know that I sorry for anything and everything that I did wrong. I thought it was a chance I might not get past the sickness growing inside of me. and that I needed him in my life because I missed him too much. I needed his friendship. Atfirst he was standoffish. He got teary eyed. We exchanged numbers and I gave him my new address. Sure enough, not too many days later he showed up at my place and we talked.

Long story short he moved out of the girl's place and was going back n forth between my place and another person he knew from Tyson. Me and the girl ended up meeting somewhere in there and became "friends" of sorts --I even hooked her up with my FaveCousin! lol. He told me (ME) that he was upset that she didn't love him when he loved her so much. He said he was leaving Arkansas and he'd never have to see any one of us again. He couldn't understand why I loved him when he loved someone else and didn't love me back...

I was given the all clear by my doc after 6 months of surgeries and pills. We ended up having sex and it was all over for me after that. I fell back even more so head over hills in love with H. But that didn't last long. We were headed home from work one morning and I said "I love You" and he wouldn't speak to me. I got upset. I got mad and Angry. I asked him why he was living with me and fucking me if he didn't love me. At that point he got out of the car while it was still in motion and I proceeded home.

Not long after I arrived he did as well. He didn't want to talk, but I wanted to have it out. He said something. I slapped him. He hit me. I broke a beer bottle and slashed his arm open. I got a concussion from having my head slammed into a brick wall. I got the door open to our apartment and fell onto the ground/tripped over my feet I was dizzy. I was screaming for help. things went too far. I had blood in my eyes. Tank was a sleep on the couch and came awake when I crashed into the door and fell. From what he said H started kicking me in my ribs and stomach (i know i was bruised badly on my stomach and chest) and Tank threw him out the door and H ran off. Tank picked me up and carried me to the car and drove me to the hospital. The cops asked if I wanted to press charges and I said no. They pressed for me. I was served a summons to appear in court and a letter of restraint against H.

I started to receive weekly $$$ from H given to me through that girl he use to live with. I had ended up moving in with her myself when my lease was up. The last $$$ I received was accompanied by a note to meet him someplace private so we could talk. I went. We drove into the mountains. He asked me to pull over. He broke down crying. Saying he never ment to hurt me. He'll dropp all charges against me and I keep mine against him. But he wanted me to know he was sorry. He loved me. And he never ment to hurt me.

We secretly got back together. When court was over and the restraining order dropped we found a place to live together and moved into our first place alone together. A few months later I didn't have my job at the hospital anymore. I started working at Tyson with H. Coolio had moved away and disowned me for getting back with H. None of my friends wanted to be my friend because I had let him back in.

Things got violent between us. I can't remember what happened. But those few months were a violent frenzy. Fighting, Hitting. Yelling and Screaming. It lightened up after his brother came to visit from Maryland and ended up moving in with us and his preggers girlfriend. She left and he got involved with a few other people. But this isn't about him. And his playboy ways. Eventually we both lost our jobs at Tyson. And I went to Tulsa, OK to try and get work there and move us there. But that didn't work. And we were broke, had nothing and I had one place left to turn to: my dad. He wouldn't let an unwed married couple live under his roof. So H and I got married. Then we moved into Daddy's. Then H moved to Maryland. I got a job working at a liquor store and he started working for a cabling place. He got us a truck he bought from his Dad. I still had our car his mom had bought for us.

It was a long hard 6 months but finally he said "pack up your stuff, I have us a place to live". So I packed what I could into the car and headed out to Maryland. Instead of me driving it alone StonerBoy came with me. And sure enough, I got a few hours outside of town and the car broke down (talk about your Omens) and I called my friend who still spoke to me and asked for her help. I ended up living with her for a few weeks til H could get down to pick me up. I ended up selling the car for money to help me survive the comming weeks.

Once he came and got me everything was great. We'd spent alot of time apart and missed eachother dearly. We had friends we'd hang out with and things were great. We hardly fought. We were both working (I walked back n forth to K Mart instead of driving the truck --he had a company truck he shared with Red) and life was good. One night Red came over to drink and get drunk. His wife was a B*TCH in his words. And he and H had already had discussions that Red wanted me. Wanted a wife just like me --thought I was perfect. So they had made a plan that they would get me into bed with Red. And we'd have a sexual deal with all of us. H asked me what I thought about Red and I said he was HOT... Well, he was. I also said he wasn't as hot as H... And I ment it then, lol.

So, Red and I were drinking alone in the house. H made an excuse that he had to leave to go somewhere. And Red started making the moves on me. I resisted. And he said "it's all a game --H knows. We planned this. He's going to come in while I'm with you and then we're both going to get you at once"... and sure enough. It was a game and I was being played. By both of them. they were getting off on me. Literally.

This ashames me now. I should have said no either way. But I didn't. At one point Red told me that if he wasn't such good friends with H he'd just take me away and we'd run away together, how sweet, huh?

So our landlord found out about StonerBoy staying with us longer than he was suppose to and we were not suppose to have pets, but we had Mysterious and Drake. So we got evicted. We ended up moving in with a girl I worked with. She ended up getting fired and I quit K Mart because they wouldnt let me have my breaks. (I almost pissed myself. I had to drink a shit load of water because I worked in the garden center in the middle of summer hot weather). So she got another job somewhere else. We stayed with her for a few months and then we got another place to live.

After that things started getting ugly again. Baer moved in with us. He liked to play us against each other. I was a stay at home house wife taking care of 2 men (1 sexually --H and the other I was like a maid). I did all I could for those 2. Baer was another playboy. He went through women like I go through underwear. H wanted to stay on the computer all the time and wouldn't let me know what he was doing. He walked away to use the bathroom and I caught a glimpse. The dirty stories. And it was on. And eventually I gave up. It was just stories. Stories wasn't cheating, right? I mean, I'd done worse after all --the 3 some with Red and him (and that wasn't the 1st one --we had one with an ex of mine from highschool when we first got back together after the courthouse deal).

We fought all the time. I mean constantly. We were not a pleasant couple to be around. I still can't remember why we fought anymore. we just did. And have lots of hate sex. I mean, there was no love there. It was all hateful abusive sex.

Finally his mom convinced us to move back to Arkansas. They paid for it all. Let us live with them for a month. Me and his mom went every day finding a place to live for us. H went job huting and I went job hunting for the both us. Eventually we found us a nice place that was in the perfect location. I got a job at walmart again and he got a job that put him on the road. The next thing I know I have his nephews all the time.

And we're still fighting. And I'm still craving his attention and not getting it. And its making me bitter and angry. His mom is talking shit about his bro's wife and how she wishes he'd leave her. Turns out she was saying the same thing about me. She was playing us against eachother. and recruited me to help her get revenge on her then husband at the same time. H was becoming more and more distant from me, from us. Nothing I could think of would bring him back. I felt like I was a sex toy. A sex doll that didn't have to be pumped full of air.

So I asked him about this game he said he was playing all the time. And I got involved in that. I had great fun and we were us again for a while. for a short lived while. I went to bed one night. He said he'd be there shortly. I woke up. the house was dark but a sliver of light in the hallway. The door was closed. Heavy breathing. I opened the door and there he was --mutual cam sex. I was devastated. And it was one of the people from the game. I couldn't believe what I saw. I went into a mad rage. I'm sure any woman would have.

We didn't speak for a long time. He said he wouldn't do it again. It got too far out of hand. I started asking people on the game out the girl. and they said she's been known to do bad things on cam for equipment, ingame money, etc.

we fought for a while about that. I felt like I couldn't trust him. I was always 2nd guessing what he was doing, who was calling. I was becoming someone I hated. And I hated who I was with. But the thought of being without him, was too much to think of.

Well, during all this time I had a few doctor appointments. It turns out the cancer had come back. I had sugery again and was on pills again. they removed 90% or so of my cervix. H was there. he was sympathetic and worried. I do believe he cared about me, things just went wrong somewhere between us. The doc told me it was now or never to try and have a baby. The next time it came back I'd have to have a hysterectomy. so H and I discussed it and we went on fertility drugs.

my moods were horrible on those pills. my attitude was horrible. i was a monster, i admit it. but it was the drugs. it was not intentional.

after 9 months the drugs didn't work. and the doc took me off them. H lost his job and I didn't have one. So I headed to Chicago. We agreed we needed a break. So I moved in with Crystal's dad to help with the finances at home (I sent it all to H to pay the bills) and to help her dad transition between the death of his wife and moving into assisted living.

We talked every night. Sometimes it was good. sometimes it was bad. It was a break that was really needed. And it helped us out I believe, but not enough.

I wasn't needed in Chicago anymore. H came and picked me up. We had a quiet ride back to Arkansas. But things fell apart when I got home. He and Juggalo had let the apartment become destroyed. I was --it was horrible. I lost my temper. I lost it and I was a huge monster. H pulled away from me even more. I pulled away from him. I was trying to find a job. A friend of his from work (Guy) started calling me alot. We would talk. He showed me the attention I was craving from H. another Red scenario -the wife was insane and he thought I was perfect. But he and his wife had babies, he didn't think he could leave her. I didn't think I could leave H.

We started drinking a little and fooling around. Kissing and touching. H was at work somewhere on the road. Guy's wife called and asked if he'd be home from work soon... He told her he was working late. He told me he'd be back soon. He was going to go and get his fishing gear and say he was going out with his brother. He text'd me and said "she's making me take the boys, gonna drop em off at my brother's. be there soon, don't give up on me." --it started storming. I knew it was over before it even began. I told H what happened. He encouraged me to go for it. If Guy would still go for it. He started encouraging me (again --he was before as well) to have a boyfriend if I wanted one or a girlfriend for while he was on the road.

I told him I only wanted him. Guy was a mistake. I was sorry. He said I should do what I wanted to. And walked away.

The rest you all know. Shortly after that he asked me for a divorce. I spent that first night contemplating taking my life --death had to be better than living without him. I decided not to and poured the whiskey and sleeping pills down the drain and scream/cried myself to sleep on the kitchen floor.

I litterally felt like my whole world had just crumpled and fell apart. ripped to shreds is more like it.

I know I wasn't the perfect wife, but gods how I wanted to be. I wanted to be. And death seemed like a better option than admitting failure.

I moved back in with my dad. I was a zombie going through the motions of living. H and I would talk on the phone. I learned through people that he and someone was having sex while I was in Chicago. And that hurt me terribly because she was my bestfriend in highschool. I asked him about it. but never got a complete answer. Just that I know from her that her then boyfriend didn't want H anywhere near them. But she wouldn't tell me exactly why he didn't want H around her...

When I finally came out of my shell it wasn't until an old old friend of mine from way back in the day came into my life: Ram. We fished and got stoned together. We had an affair. I wanted sex and didnt care that he was married. I wasn't in it for love. But I fell in lust with him. And I thought it was love. And when I found out he was having sex with other girls, not just me and his wife. I couldn't take it anymore and ended our affair. I moved out of Daddy's and found my own place to live. Suga moved in with me and divorced her husband as well.

I went through a long string of affairs. I took advantage of a kid who just turned 18 for sex. that was stupid. I met a guy at work and got with him for the hell of it. he said he fell in love with me, and I tried to have a relationship with him but I couldn't do it. I ended up cheating on him with someone else while he was away and he wanted to move in with me! and he did for a few months but I met someone else at work who had a son and I loved that little boy so I kicked the one out for the one with the kid. and the one with the kid ended up being a drug runner and stealing my money and I cheated on him with his friend... And it was a huge tangled mess. I got in with the wrong crowd. I started doing the wrong things. I was either drunk or stoned or sleeping or at work.

And ofcourse I hurt my back in the middle of all that. omigods that was horrible. I couldn't move. and the 1st "serious" relationship post H was the guy that spent a month in Florida while I was at home laid up in bed. I honestly blame the drugs. The vicodin and the muscle relaxers mixed with the illegal shit. Suga was dating Taz and Taz had a brother. Well, while the long distance relationship was gone I was banging Taz's bro. And was still when he came back. Sigh.

(I am not proud, I just have to get this off my chest. Just deal with me a little more and we never have to go through this shit again...)

So finally. Somewhere somehow I woke up. I moved out of my place with Suga and back in with my dad. I got a different job away from the drama central and contemplated what I was doing with myself.

I stopped the drinking and drugs. I started talking to Crystal again. She said I should move to Chicago permantly. Get outa Arkansas, it'd do me good. And so it did. I got 2 jobs almost immediatly. I started drinking again heavily but stopped right fast when I almost got into trouble drinking and driving. And working as much as I was, i couldn't do it anymore. I stuck to a few jack or rum n cokes while doing Karaoke on thursdays. I became obsessed with working and dated around a few guys I had met at the bar. You all remember Paisley? Yes, that was a mistake.

I had gotten back into sneezy again as well. That game my ex had gotten me into. I stayed away because I was afraid he was on it. So I stopped in one night and was bombarded with questions as to where Immorality (H's main character) and I had been. I explained about the divorce and asked if H had been around, obviously not.

I got reaquanted with old friends and met some new friends, one of which is Taranis aka Joe aka Cornwall aka my current boyfriend. I started playing again fulltime. I never expected to be back on sneezy. But there I was. And I was falling in love all over again. But I had these mixed emotions. I found out my ex got married. And they were due anytime with a baby. And that she had the baby...Now, Joe and I hadn't been together that long at the time. And I was still fighting my feelings for him. And I was trying to get rid of the memories of me and H. And I got plastered. And Joe still stuck by me. I tried to push him away and he pushed back even harder to show he was there to stay.

Eventually I owned up to my feelings for Joe. and I started to realize that it was stupid for me to be hurt and little sickened by H having a baby and life with someone else --what did I think? that he was going to live his life pining for me and hating himself for leaving me? --whatever that doesn't happen in real life.

Now, I'm happy. Joe and I had a talk today. It was inspired by some "conversation" that had passed between me and the ex's wife. And I'm ok. I'm going to be ok. I've been ok for a long time now. I didn't react the way I should have to my divorce. I didn't react the way I should have in my marriage when I was thrown a curve ball. But I have learned alot about myself in the past 3 1/2 years post seperation from H. And I guarantee you that I react different now than I did before Pre Seperation.

I don't know what happened to me from the moment I met H to the moment we split up. I don't know who I was when I was with him. I don't recognize that person as me anymore. She's someone I use to know. A distant stranger.

I do know the person post seperation. She's the one that took what should have happened in her early 20s and spread out over 10 years and put it into 2 years. She lived hard and she lived fast. And now I'm where I should be. In a quiet little suburb in my quant little home with the most remarkable man I could ever want.

Me and Joe with our 3 "kids". Life couldn't be better or more perfect... (ok, having a child of our own would add to the perfection)

(and if you read all of that, congratulations! that's the longest post I've ever done I'm sure. and if you skimmed and didn't really read it, I don't blame you at all for not reading it in depth.)

And now that is out of my system. What is spoken in this entry will never be spoken of again in regards to my ex and what happened between our seperation and my meeting Joe. I hope you enjoyed reading.