Too stressed out

My AuntDot is getting worse. You can see the tumors in her stomach, looks like they are trying to push through, like those alien movies. She's hallucinating real bad. Her morphine is now 16.

Found out UncleJ has lung cancer. His wife, AuntP, I don't know how she's going to handle this. Mom's not taking any of this real well.

Thier going to be moving my AuntE into a nursing home and selling off everything they own and move her husband UncleJ into it with her.

Other than that, I was suppose to go out to lunch with someone from work today. I woke up to late to be ready intime. So, I wont beable to go. He's a nice man. Been seperated from his wife for about 2 months now as well. Both of us being recently seperated, I think it might be something to stay away from and just be friends. That is way way way to much drama and a whole bunch of crap to deal with. Friendship ok. Future relationship? We'll see how the divorces go I guess. He seems to be dealing with his better, and that just makes me jelous of him!

Well, I havn't been able to sleep. Not since last week. I've been getting 2-3 hours of sleep a day. Just couldn't sleep. I have too much on my mind I really can't get into right now. Needless to say, I know that its another woman as to why Hephaestus left me. I knew that would happen. Atleast I think I knew all along. Ever since his "affair" (most would say I can't call it that since it was online, but she and him both took it offline) with Jules, I should have left him then. I never should have tried to work it out. That should have been a clue. You hear it all the time "once a cheater..." but he technically didn't cheat on me because his job to her state got cancelled, but it hurt just as bad all the same.

So, we fast forward a few years and its a conclusion that I have come to after seeing on his computer (when I went up there sunday to get the rest of stuff) a naked girl on his comp. I recognize this girl as someone else from the mud. Someone else I thought was a friend. Again. Same scenario, Diff person. This time I didn't catch him in the act. This time I couldn't "save" our marriage... If it was ever saved before. Because if I didn't know about this one, I couldn't have known about others. So all in all, it is a good thing that he left me I guess.

I still love him, I guess you could say i'm not "in love" with him.

And before you go on a rant at me about Guy. That was flirting with a person in real life that went too far and Hepheastus ENCOURAGED it. It was a mistake and I appologized for it. Guy and I never never had a sexual relationship. Just lots of flirtying. I thought Hephaestus and I worked things out. I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it a thousand more... Hephaestus and I have both made our mistakes and I'm the one who always pays for them. I'm the one who is punished. And now I'm beginning to wonder what he really ment by "if we stayed together I (meaning him) would be the one to change". He can't stop. He's addicted to porn. He's addicted to sex stories. He's addicted to talking dirty to women. He's addicted to sex. And that's not healty for a marriage when you want to share those things with other women and not your wife. Don't get me wrong, 95% of my friends are male. I get along easier with males because I'm afraid H would have sex with my female friends like he has done before! But I don't look a nude men all the time. I'm infatuated with females. Hephaestus would tell me when he was on the road "if you need sex, you can find a boyfriend for while I'm on the road" I would tell him no. I should have known then. He was telling me to do what he was already doing.

I don't know what to make of all this. I don't know why I am still trying to make sense of everything. I'm lost, hurt, confused. I honestly thought he loved me. He said no one could ever make him leave me. But he left me. He said he'd never leave me. He left. I don't want to be divorced. I don't want to find someone else. But I don't want him either. He's said and done and accused to many bad things to me that I haven't done that he did do. I hate him now. If I never see him again I'd be happy. But I can't stop thinking about him.

When will I have my life back? I want my own life back. I want to be happy. Unhurt. Unbroken. Whole.

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Feeling: Crazy


Listening to: Nothing