Monday, June 27, 2011

a letter of sorrow and regret

Dear Mother,

Why must you ruin a beautiful weekend? I know it started out rocky when we game back from driving around the "old hood" and your husband was a drunk ass stupid person as always... I did appologize to you for yelling at him but seriously he needs help and you do to! What's sad is that you asked for help! You said you wished you could leave him... and I gave you an out, of all people in this world I told YOU that you could live with me if it meant you could be happy again and You didn't want to live with DrunkAss anymore. But you took my words, you twisted them and abused them like you always do. And that hurts me. You developed in your head that I had some sceme to kidnap you or something.

I was trying to help. This weekend was about extending an olive branch to help us heal from the past...

Instead when we came to say good-bye sunday morning instead of saying how wonderful saturday was and how great of a time we had together and instead of making plans to do it again...

You start doggin my daddy and your daddy, MY GRANDFATHER. Two of the very few people who have been there for me my whole life AND WHO HAVE NEVER HURT ME in the ways you have. And that's a no no especially coming from the woman that abused me and tried to kill me. He was there for me. He raised me. You didn't have to move to another state. You chose to move away from me. You called me almost daily on the phone saying how much you missed and loved me. I tried to have a go at it with you, MANY FUCKING TIMES I TRIED. Even as a child I tried... And you just hurt me... DruggyHubby hit me and you. I physically got into a fight with both him and DrunkHubby. I was placed in protective services FOUR times while waiting for daddy to come and get me.

I regret trying to get to know you. I have to say I'm sad over the awful memories that occured because of this. I wish I could go back and undo it all... You always took away my happiness and you made me cry. I always went back to arkansas "with my tail between my legs" because of visits to your home.

I am 31 years old... And I am so heartbroken that things have not changed. And there seems to be nothing I can do about it now.

Even though you tried to kill me when I was a baby, I do love you... But you need help. Serious help. Until that happens we may talk on the phone, we may write letters... but I will NEVER give you the chance to see your grandchildren (God bless the day I have any) and I will never see you again.