Sunday, November 01, 2009

Trick or Treat...Trick OR Treat...TRICK or TREAT...trick or treat? please...

Not one little goblin or ghost or vampire or pumpkin...nothing. Not even the little boy we say hi to whenever we go walking in the evenings that lives just across the way.

This makes me sad. This makes me heart broken. I so wanted to see little ghouls and skeletons. And all my "friends" are posting pictures of thier kids in thier costumes. This makes me sadder. While yes I am so happy for them my heart aches and breaks. I want a little monster.

They say you can't miss something you never knew. At least that's what a lot of people try to tell me. But what even most of my friends don't know about me is that I had it and lost it by no fault of my own. A&M dressing up and going trick or treating. Talk about a blast and so much fun!

I find it amazing that my friends my real life friends don't know anything about me. I never talked to them, I talked to my blog, to you guys. ArmyGirl never knew about my boys, she never knew about my cancer and she never knew about my back. But then again I've only talked to her every few years and its mostly about her husband and her kids and her army career. Come to think of it, I was her Maid of Honor and she didn't even know i was going through cancer treatments. How did I keep that such a secret?! WHY did I? I don't get myself I really don't. Maybe that's why I have no friends. I can't seem to open up to anyone.

Last year we were invited to two seperate halloween parties. People I knew from the bars. I was in a ton of pain with my back and on tons of pain meds and so I politely declined. The year before and the year before and the year before: working. oh it sucks to work on halloween!!

This year I dropped hints and said straight up "what's going on for halloween?" and got no repsonse. Got zero invites.

Halloween did not feel like Halloween this year. It felt like an off weekend that I couldn't wait to get over and done with. I was so excited when the trick or treating hour had come and as the minutes ticked away I became sadder and sadder. Nothing felt or seemed right.

Its not fair my "friends" are not there for me now. Its like I don't exist. And I can't count on my friends in Arkansas to come running to me after I left them for over 3 years. They have new friends and thier lives took a different path. The people I like up here and I've tried to be friends with just shun me off now. Savannah can't take the risk of losing her job so she said we can't hang out outside of work anymore but she texts me constantly on the phone and on facebook. Its not fair. Otto's cousin ANS and I use to talk all the time when I worked weekends and she worked Friday nights. She always said she wished I was off with her on saturday so we could hangout... Now that I'm off. Nothing. I've tried to reach out to her but got nothing back. But she still says hi to me and hugs me at work and screams "oh girl you look so good today!!"

How did I go from all these people I could call and count on to having no one but me and Taranis? How did I go from birthday invites and party invites to nothing? I know it was probably because I was sick and couldn't go. But don't you think they'd be anxious to get together with me again? Especially now that I'm feeling better?!

yea yea, I know... I'm a loser...