Sunday, September 13, 2009

why does it always feel like a battlefield?

Friday night Taranis and I went to pickup BioMom. To kill time we went out to the movies and saw "G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra", it was awesome!! Not even 5 minutes into the movie and it was action packed explosions and ended with explosions! We are certain there will be more "G.I. Joe" movies to come!!

It was a nice ride out into the city and we caught a full view of the Chicago Skyline as a detour. Basically I called when we were supose to pick up BioMom and they were delayed in Gary Indiana so we went for a drive around the city. It was a beautiful crisp night and we did a little kissy kissy outside of the truck by the Shedd Aquarium for a few minutes and then headed back to the station.

When we picked her up She mentioned that she was starting on a cold and immediatly a million alarms went off in my head. "What if I get sick?" I know that sneezing right now kills me because I sneezed the other day and I thought I was going to die from the pain... But coughing? And sneezing? You might as well put a gun to my head and pull the trigger...

Before heading back to the house We tried to show her the view by the Aquarium but it was blocked off for the night. When we got home I showed her around the house, introduced her to the babies (Kai and Drake) and then off to bed we went.

Saturday showed promise when we first woke up and Taranis made pancakes. We had a nice bit of conversation and then suddenly she started talking about FaveAunt (one of her sisters) and how she was always bad mouthing another sister -which I've never heard her do (the one that was shot in the head at her own wedding...).

Well, I ended up yelling at BioMom to shut her trap. I told her straight up that if she came here to visit me and talk about me and Taranis that was one thing but she was NOT going to come into MY home and start bad mouthing our family or making accusations against them. Plain and simple I said "My name aint Bennett and I aint in it so drop the shit".

I hated myself for a few minutes for raising my voice at the woman who gave birth to me but I couldn't help it. FaveAunt has done nothing but right by me, has never said an ill word against BioMom or AuntM and not too long ago I talked to AuntM (the one shot in the head) as well and as far I knew between the 2 of them there was no "bad blood" and they were reconcilling their differences if there were any at all.

Then she started saying that people were talking about her badly to me and that they were turning her against me (this is a repeated story line) and that's why I was angry with her. I then raised my voice again. Oh my god the way she gets to me... I mean, no one says anything bad about her to me. And I named off anyone and everyone that she has ever accused to me that bad mouths her. I said again "this is dropped do you understand me? this is no more. No one talks about you to me." and then I went and took a shower and calmed myself a bit.

Then we were off to the zoo. The zoo was a fine time. We had fun. It was great really!! We honestly had a grand ole time. She even offered to pay for dinner which we all agreed on Olive Garden. Taranis and I had the never ending pasta and she had the italian sampler as an entree. It was so delicious! And things were starting to look up!!

We came home after that and we all took a nap. I was so tired and the medications plus all the walking and heat and a full belly of pasta was kicking my butt!! Sadly the baseball game we wanted to see was cancelled because it was sweep. I'm happy I didn't buy the tickets in advance because they were non-refundable no matter what.

After our nap we decided to try and find some souveniers at Oktoberfest but it turned out to be a beer and food festival when we (Taranis and I) thought it was going to be a "fair/carnival" of sorts... So we ended up going to the grocery store where we like to shop that we knew would have souveniers and she wanted to buy food for the trip back to Nashville since she was on the midnight ride and there wouldn't be anything open at the stops for food. I honestly hate the thought of her being on the bus late late at night like this but she's a grown woman so I guess she can take care of herself.

Saturday morning I gave her the "Mother" necklace and a framed picture of me and Taranis. I think she liked them, she said she did. I also gave her a camera and some film so she could take pictures of whatever she wanted. They don't have a computer or else I would have burned her a cd of the pictures I took as well as letting her have the digital camera to take pictures that's our spare...

When we got home from the store she ate some soup for her cold (she was coughing and sneezing alot... i'm cringing at the germs that could be in my house right now waiting to penetrate my body's defenses) and we all watched a Jeff Foxworthy special and Taranis and I had Oreo McFlurries from McDonalds. Then we went to bed.

Normally on Sundays Taranis and I go and do bridal registries stuff. I gave BioMom the option of going Bridal Registering, playing board games or trying to find something else to do. Her response was "Ya'll go ahead and go do your registry and I'll stay here"... nope, not gonna happen. So I thought maybe we'd look at pictures together. She'd already said some stuff at the kitchen table while eating breakfast that I tried hard to roll off my back. Stuff she was saying about MomJ (Raquel's Mom) and others in my family and I was trying so hard to just ignore it... And then when she was looking through the pictures she said something... I can't even remember what it was exactly but it was a deeeeeep cut into my heart and it was really bad. She said that MomJ was a homewrecker and split her and my daddy up...

Well, I know better. MomJ and Daddy didn't get together until long after they were divorced! And because of her (BioMom's) breakdown when I was little it was ME who got to live in Foster Care and it was ME that had to live with AuntB for a few years while Daddy fought and fought for me!!

And so I lost it. MomJ was a good mom to me. She might have struggled with having a 5 year old kid suddenly but that's normal. She helped me develop the skills today that I hold dear that helped me get jobs in offices and help me alot with learning the computer... She and my Daddy might not have had a long marriage (it ended when Raquel was 2?) but she was still always there for me all the time no matter what!!!

I so fucking lost it. Taranis walked quietly out of the room. I had been letting shit be ignored all morning and little remarks here and there on Saturday that I just ignored and bit my tongue... I wanted a pleasant visit.

But I screamed, I yelled. I blew my fucking fuse. And I didn't stop until it started causing my back to spasm because I was yelling so loud and hard and tears in my eyes. I am very surprised a neighbor did not call the police. I am sure I was screaming that loud... I have never seen that fear in her eyes before except for when I went after her last exhusband with a baseball bat because he was zoned out on crack and trying to hurt her one summer I visited her in Nashville. I was gonna kill that son of a bitch... but that's another story for another day...

So I went into the bedroom and cried on my man's shoulders for a few minutes and he told me to go shower and I'd feel better. And I did. When I was done I went back into the living room and she appologized. I told her plainly and clearly she is welcome in my home and at my wedding under these conditions: she never speaks ill of my family ever again. and at my wedding she doesn't even acknowledge that any of them even exist. I told her that if I even feel her breathe wrong around them at my wedding I would have her personally removed. I told her that I have lived most of my entire life without her in it and it would not bother me one bit to live the rest of my life the same way.

The rest of today has been awkward silence watching tv shows on DIY and Food Network...

I don't understand why she has to try and convince me that my father is a bad man when I know he's not or that MomJ is a horrible person when she might not be perfect but she was a good Mom to me and SHE never tried to kill me unlike BioMom and her trying to set the house on fire with me and Daddy in it!!! I do not understand what is in her mind that makes her think these things... She says she has nightmares of MomJ... Well, I have no idea why and I didn't ask why but I will tell you this:

I use to have nightmares. I had to see a child therapist for a few years. I use to have nightmares of BioMom ripping MomJ's face open with her bare hands. Yes, she took her nails and ripped open MomJ's face... I'm not talking scratches; I'm talking she had to have stitches and the wounds were so deep she lost a lot of blood before Daddy got her to the hospital. BioMom was living with FaveAunt at the time and I had a cold myself at the time. Daddy had forgotten my medication and it was agreed that the exchanges would be made without BioMom there. When they turned around to get my medication she had returned back to the house. I remember BioMom running out of the house screeching like a banshee and then digging her claws into MomJ's face. She was about 7 months pregnant with Raquel at the time. I was so scared. I had nightmares of that night forever. Along with the many other nights she hurt me or daddy or both of us...

I hate to leave you with such a sour picture in your mind but even though its been a rough day and I've had these horrible memories I've tried to surpress resurface... I can't go on writing anymore. Because I am a good person. And even though she had done and said the most horrible things to me and she litterally ripped my own heart to shredds again today. I still feel like the monster for raising my voice to her today and yelling at her. For letting her pull that monster out of me in self defense.

I wish I could tell you it all went well today. I wish I could tell you that it was a wonderful weekend and we had the most wonderful mother/daughter bonding weekend and it was all roses and flowers.......but I can not tell you a lie. And I can not express how much I miss the woman that everyone tells me she use to be before I was born.

The woman I never knew...