Friday, August 21, 2009

times are tough and roads are rough ...then my family makes me cry!

I cried myself to sleep last night. And it didn't have anything to do with my surgery or my back problems... it was all about my family. The family that I thought I was so close to...

Feather (the one that's married to and pregnant by a black guy --ok, he's half black-- and that's not why I have a problem with him, my problem is that he is an asshole and they live in nonsuitable conditions for raising a child and she is 5 months pregnant by him... and he refuses to move to a better living condition for said child growing in her womb...) use to come and talk to me about everything. There are some things I know about her that others do not know... if I blabbed my big sister mouth our parents would NOT be happy with what I know... and that would be bad! So I keep my mouth shut, because she is my sister! But she doesnt talk to me anymore... When I do get a text or email, its stupid forward spam jokes :( and she's expressed no concern over my operation or the fact that I could have lost the use of my leg if we hadn't acted properly and quickly!!

Raquel: so beautiful if she wanted to be a model she could be one but is opting to be a PE teacher instead... she ontop of everything else brought me to tears last night. SHE, the one I love more dearly and so dearly i gave up things I wanted to be able to do to fly to see her Graduate College because she said she wanted me there so badly!!

I have texted and emailed my family with progress and pains regarding this surgery. I truly needed the support of my family mentally to help me through the physical pain... They have always been "oh, ok..." when it came down to my back pain. Like, completely aloof to it. When I told them I was going to have to have surgery it was "oh, really? your having your spine fused together? ok..." like it was no big deal!! when I told them I could use some company, that I wasn't supose to be left alone the 1st few weeks it was excuse after excuse.

Feather: 1st said she didn't have the money. I said I'd pay for it. Then She said she couldn't because of her pregnancy. Well, I know better! You can travel while you are pregnant!! (I didn't say that to her, I told her I understood and said I'd keep in touch) And she has ignored my emails and texts and calls since... Except to email me once since then to send me a picture of her belly that doesn't even look like she is pregnant, its flat "aka looks like a beer belly" and she's 5 months along. Atleast in the picture it looked flat and unpregnant.

Raquel: when I first told her i'd like it if she could come visit she told me she was swamped at her retail job, her bow shooting tournaments and trying to find a teaching job. I said ok and that I understood. Then I find out on FB that she took an impromptu trip with her college pals to Florida to celebrate thier going back to school for thier masters... THEN last night after no status updates about ME (just school or other things) at all or no concern over ME at all I see "is happy that Feather's baby girl is doing great!! she's due in Jan!!".....*crickets*..... really? a status update about Feather's baby!? when there was NOTHING about me almost being rushed to ICU because of a allergic reaction to the medication when I was in the hospital???? NO STATUS UPDATES AT ALL ABOUT HER BIG SISTER AND HOW SHE'S DOING NOT EVEN A FUCKING COMMENT ON MY STATUS I POSTED ON HOW I'M DOING?

so after just trying to ignore it all and telling myself "she's young and going back to school, etc" i finally just broke down and cried and cried and cried and cried so much I gave myself spasms in my back where I had surgery and cried some more. I woke up this morning hating myself for letting myself cry over it and in terrible pain because I KNOW that crying like that was bad for my healing...

And lets not forget the parents... MY Parents had over a week off work and went to Indiana for MomI's sister's wedding anniversary and we met them up there. They could have spent a few days with me before surgery but chose not to. They insisted they had to get back to Arkansas but instead took a few days longer to see my Brother Swift and his kids! WTF! I am going in surgery and they chose NOT to spend an extra day with me and instead went to see Swift and his kids???

AND Taranis' mom said she'd try to come and spend the week with me after I got out of the hospital... LOW AND BEHOLD god forbid ANYONE come and see me! His fucking BROTHERS showed up for a vacation (said it was impromptu) to Florida and ruined the plans for FMIL to come and see me and now because she is stuck in fiscal year close-out she can't get anytime off work for the rest of the quarter! And you know when that ends: the holidays.

We all know that the fucking grandkids come first on the holidays so we wont be visited this year at all by our families. If we want to see them we'll have to go to them! And we know that because I had back surgery we have no money to go anywhere to visit our so called loving families.

Speaking of no money: I'm tired of eating Ramen and $1.00 banquet meals that leave you wanting more. They are good, but not "satisfying"... Since Subway as thier $5.00 footlongs and they are doing the scrabble game again we decided we will go to Subway and eat thier $5.00 footlongs (1/2 for him and 1/2 for me) and play the scrabble game. Its healthy, cheap and its just around the corner from the house, so we are going to do it on our nightly walks that are part of my in-house Physical Therapy.

I'm truly sorry for rambling on and on but I just had to get this off my chest...

And you want to know what's really sick? The one person in the world I thought would NEVER visit me: BioMom is coming for a weekend visit in a few weeks. Yes, the one person in my family I get along with the least is coming to visit me... NO ONE else cared enough. And even though it is late in the game and I'm pretty much 100% independant now, she's coming. And I am shocked. I think hell must have frozen over, after all it is only 65 degrees in the middle of August when it should be bordering 95 degrees...