i feel so zen

today is pushing toward its evening hours and i've made my home to where it needs to be for when i return from the hospital.

i'm shaking on the outside (been cleaning house) but calm and serene on the inside. i've worked out most of my nervous energy this weekend by cleaning house and *ahem* other natural ways of calming the body and mind...

its hard for me to comprehend that in 24 hours if all goes as planned they'll be wrapping up my surgery. its hard to comprehend that i'm going to be living pain free after years of constant pain... it seems too good to be true on one hand and on the other its the most natural thing in the world...

i've had alot of counters to my peace this weekend. one of which a "good friend" texting me how miserable he is with his pregnant fiance and me telling him that it sounded like she needed to grow up. her actions and attitudes are a hindrance to a relationship not a fertalizer... and then another instance where it seemed my words were twisted into something else. or maybe they just came out wrong because it was all text! in which case i've removed the "good friend" and "childish preggers woman" from FB and Myspace and Twitter. I have also decided that i'll not be speaking "words" to some others just incase because I do not know thier true intentions when talking to me... they could be friend or foe. but for now, we lay in wait. my surgery is much more important than thier childish shit.

and my favorite one: the girl who was supose to be one of my bridesmaids pretending she didn't know who i was on messenger or text... if you didn't want to be my friend anymore just say it! obviously you ment alot to me if I asked you to be in my wedding! how sick is this shit? its not MY fault you fucked up and got your kid taken away. maybe you'll learn you can't be a momma and party whore at the same time. kids always and forever will come first! even i know that and i do not have my own children!

it seems i'm getting good at removing toxic people out of my life. it use to be so hard to "delete friend" on FB and MySpace and block them from seeing me and putting them on ignore in my phone... but the more i do it, i see the less "true" friends I really had in my life! and this makes me sick. sicker than anything and now more than ever I need friendship and compassion and love.

I thank the powers that be that I have CandidBeauty, Titan Saturnae, Taranis, Jack, Hal and Savannah and ofcourse my family! Who needs assholes as friends? I sure as heck don't when I got awesome peeps like these who love and care for me!!

So this is where I say good-bye to you all for now... atleast on blogger :) look for me on Twitter and Facebook as I'll be tweeting my fingers off while I wait for surgery and after surgery... Please do not be offended if I don't comment for a while on your posts... my blackberry is not fond of letting me post comments but I will catch up eventually!!!