Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Extending the Olive Branch

(that's what CandidBeauty called it)

I have 2 necklaces 1 that says Mother and the other that says Daughter. I am going to be giving BioMom the Mother one. I am thinking of doing it while we're at the Zoo. Maybe while we're standing there looking at the polar bears or something. Or maybe I'll just do it over breakfast Saturday morning...

Either way, I am extending to her a token of love and peace. Our relationship has been so rocky because of her mental illnesses and it can really make it hard to love her. I mean c'mon! She threw gasoline on the house and tried to burn it down around me and my dad when I was 2 years old! Its hard to love someone who has tried to hurt you and has hurt you physically and mentally your entire life. And lets not forget when she said my inability to have babies was my (yes MY) punishment for her not being able to raise me.

These things happened years ago. And sometimes she can revert back to "monster mom". I have to lead delicate conversations with her when we talk, have to keep them neutral and not say anything about my Dad or my Sister Raquel from daddy's 2nd marriage.

But ever since Hephaestus and I split up, she's been coming around. I do not know what's happening on her end of the deal but I do know that she's been calming down alot in regards to the horrible things she says to me and this includes living in her own fantasy world where things happened in her mind but not in reality...

And I can't believe I'm saying this but this past year has been her best so far. I wouldn't give her a "mother of the year" award but I've had to say only twice "Mother, I'm hanging up now I can not talk to you while you are this way" when before it was just about every conversation and I'd puposefuly ignore her phone calls.

I've been afraid to tell her that Taranis and I are engaged because I know she'll want to come to the wedding and I don't want my wedding ruined by her psychotic outburts... I pray that she does not have any while that event is going on in my life!

But that's in the past. Its all in the past. We may be wary of things that have hurt us but we can not live in fear forever and eventually you have to face it head on and full force.

I must face the demons of my past and of my childhood and I will extend out an Olive Branch to the woman who has hurt me more than any person on earth and it will create a barrier around me and keep those demons at bay for the rest of my relationship with my mother. Atleast that's what I'm hoping it does.

7 comments:

  1. Good for you. One step towards healing. Oh and I just read the post about Kai. Good kitty!

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  2. I hope it does what you want it too...

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  3. Good for you taking that first step. That's so brave :) I hope you get the resolution you're hoping for.

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  4. Congratulations for being able to take this HUGE step with your BioM. Be proud of yourself girl. And remember, we can only control ourselves...no one else...

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  5. Good for you for having the bigger heart, I do wish she changes for real and can control her emotions better, at least for your sake ;)

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  6. Wow, you even quoted me:) I'm not yet ready to mend fences with my own mom. She and I had been keeping in touch via email, but that's dwindled because of the way she treats my sister. I hope one day we can pick up the broken pieces but I have so many demons to conquer that I have to tackle them one at a time. You are doing a very noble thing, gril.

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  7. all of ya'll are so wonderful!! i'm so very thankful I have this blog I can talk about my feelings and get positive feedback! trying to talk with my family about this just brings up alot of doubts because not everyone is willing to go out on a limb and trust her and be there for her.

    its only 2 days and its been over 6 years since we've last seen each other. she's making the effort to come and see me which is something i can't say for the rest of the family thats "been good to me"...

    so we'll see and ya'll know i'll keep you updated on how it goes!!

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