Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Extending the Olive Branch

(that's what CandidBeauty called it)

I have 2 necklaces 1 that says Mother and the other that says Daughter. I am going to be giving BioMom the Mother one. I am thinking of doing it while we're at the Zoo. Maybe while we're standing there looking at the polar bears or something. Or maybe I'll just do it over breakfast Saturday morning...

Either way, I am extending to her a token of love and peace. Our relationship has been so rocky because of her mental illnesses and it can really make it hard to love her. I mean c'mon! She threw gasoline on the house and tried to burn it down around me and my dad when I was 2 years old! Its hard to love someone who has tried to hurt you and has hurt you physically and mentally your entire life. And lets not forget when she said my inability to have babies was my (yes MY) punishment for her not being able to raise me.

These things happened years ago. And sometimes she can revert back to "monster mom". I have to lead delicate conversations with her when we talk, have to keep them neutral and not say anything about my Dad or my Sister Raquel from daddy's 2nd marriage.

But ever since Hephaestus and I split up, she's been coming around. I do not know what's happening on her end of the deal but I do know that she's been calming down alot in regards to the horrible things she says to me and this includes living in her own fantasy world where things happened in her mind but not in reality...

And I can't believe I'm saying this but this past year has been her best so far. I wouldn't give her a "mother of the year" award but I've had to say only twice "Mother, I'm hanging up now I can not talk to you while you are this way" when before it was just about every conversation and I'd puposefuly ignore her phone calls.

I've been afraid to tell her that Taranis and I are engaged because I know she'll want to come to the wedding and I don't want my wedding ruined by her psychotic outburts... I pray that she does not have any while that event is going on in my life!

But that's in the past. Its all in the past. We may be wary of things that have hurt us but we can not live in fear forever and eventually you have to face it head on and full force.

I must face the demons of my past and of my childhood and I will extend out an Olive Branch to the woman who has hurt me more than any person on earth and it will create a barrier around me and keep those demons at bay for the rest of my relationship with my mother. Atleast that's what I'm hoping it does.