Thursday, July 23, 2009

this is hard to talk about

because i'm a wimp and i'm scared. there's a million things going through my mind right now. not all good; not all bad.

my first surgery ever i was 15 years old and it was a panick. i had diseased tonsils and adnoids and was in the hospital for a month!! i don't remember anything much of being admitted. i remember going to get a shot of penicillin in my butt with my grandpa and then my dad beside me while i was rushed to the hospital. i wasn't breathing well: i had an allergic reaction. that was a horrible thanksgiving watching everyone else get to eat when i couldn't eat anything!!

i remember when i was first diagnosed with cancer, i was 19. it was the most heart breaking thing i had ever had to deal with at that time. and i went through 6 months of treatments and i was scared everytime i went in for them to do the cryo and laser therapies... when i was 20 i was given the all clear. and it was the happiest day of my life.

when i was 23 i was diagnosed again. i had to have surgery this time. it had spread too far. thankfully it was an outpatient procedure. and i was quick to recover. but i lost 95% of my cervix.

just before my 27th birthday i had to have surgery again on my female area for tumors... again outpatient and i am fine now... but it was scary going under the knife and being put under.

this past year i've had to go back n forth to the hospital for injections in my back. i was afraid the 1st time but realized it wasn't bad at all, and my fear was less and less everytime i went back.

but now. i am truly afraid. more than i have ever been afraid in my life.

i am having a spinal fusion in august on the 4th.

if you pray, pray. if you don't, atleast think of me.

i'll be in the hospital about 4 days give or take a few depending on how i recover. everyone is more than welcome to come and spend time with me while i am in recovery at home (looking at 3 months) and in the hospital. the surgery itself varies about 4 hours.

i'm afraid i'm going to hurt. that its going to hurt really bad. but i am hopeful that this will "cure" me and i no longer have spinal and leg issues.