Friday, May 29, 2009

randoms before the hospital...

i leave in an hour for the hospital. another epidural. i am praying this takes and undones what the old doc did in regards to my pain level. i have never had this much leg issue before. not even when i first injured myself. i mean, why does my leg feel like its barely hanging on by the tendons?? i know what the MRI showed, that bad disc is all hard and nasty and pushing into my spinal nervy column thingy. and it burns! oh gods it burns sometimes in my back like a fire and my muscles start to spasm and i can't walk right for hours.

(yes, i am trying to not be so serious or else i'll bawl and bawl)

you know its kinda scary when your man is caressing your leg and your like "was that a fly" and he pushes harder and so THAT feels like a caress... yeap, losing sensation topicaly. have we touched that yet? i think we have, i don't remember anymore.

i talked to my dad last night. the deal fell through with them selling the house. the buyers backed out at the last minute and decided they couldn't afford it. wtf? good thing they hadn't put in an offer on the property they wanted...

havn't heard from Pebbles on her baby status. (she dropped the bomb at Raquel's graduation...) per daddy she was supose to go to the doc (for the 1st time) yesterday. and my texts have gone unanswered...

speaking of texts gone unanswered... i think my phone and/or carrier might be the issue. CandidBeauty doesn't get my texts either sometimes. and Suga claims to not get any at all yet i get hers no problemo but we're still on the fence as to her true friendship quality... it wouldn't surprise me one bit if she was purposly ignoring my phone calls and texts.

i should send out a new wedding file to my peoples... some stuff has changed since i did last...

ps... i woke up this morning and joe was all snuggly on me. i loves him!! i love waking up in his arms and falling asleep with my head nustled on his chest. gives me all fluttery feelings when i think of it.

Beyonce "Halo"
Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But, I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away


and then last night i was flicking through music ondemand and found some shinedown songs... and Candid Beauty had touched a few days ago about how eminem's lyrics affect her and the prescription drug stuff... shinedown has always gotten me with these 2 songs... i use to play them constantly and once upon a time they were my ring tones...

"45"
Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
Keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
I'm swimming through the ashes of another life
There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

[CHORUS]

Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe

[CHORUS]

"Save Me"

I got a candle
And I've got a spoon
I live in a hallway with no doors
And no rooms

Under a windowsill
They all were found
A touch of concrete within the doorway
Without a sound

Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland

How did I get here
And what went wrong
Couldn't handle forgiveness
Now I'm far beyond gone

I can hardly remember
The look of my own eyes
How can I love this a life so dishonest
It made me compromise

Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland

Jump in the water
Jump in with me
Jump on the altar
Lay down with me

The hardest question to answer
Is why

Why

Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland

Someone save me
Someone save me
Somebody save me
Somebody save me
Please don't erase me