please don't stand next me

i havn't had a "panick attack" or "people phobia" in a long time. i don't know what happened to me today. we were suppose to have a large employee appreciation party at work. i was looking forward to it, but had too much to do. i've been so overwhelmed this week. and finally when it came down to the grind, the work needing to be done all the people and the strangers i'd have to talk to and .....

well it got to be a bit much. and when Homer asked if we were all ready to go I politely said "i'm going to stay here" --trying to keep the edge out of my voice. and she says "its employee appreciation, you have to go" and i said in turn "no i just really don't feel comfortable i'm going to stay and work" and so she goes about the whole office and asks HER boss "isn't it mandatory? tell Jenny she's gotta go" by this time i'm getting on the edge. my eyes are welling up with tears. and i said "please don't make me go please please i can't go please don't make me go there i can't" and then fell a drop or two of tears onto my desk. i couldn't breathe. everyone looked at me like i was a freak.

atleast her boss said "no, Jenny doesn't have to go if she's not comfortable" phew...

how am i suppose to explain that i felt a panick attack coming on? how am i suppose to explain i really havn't had one in a long time or the "people phobia".

"Why don't you want to go Jenny?"

"I have 'people phobia' sometimes"

"But your in the cafeteria with lots of people all the time Jenny"

"Yes I am. And do you not see how uncomfortable I am when we're all squeezed in there like sardines? It's not that there isn't enough space. It's the fact I feel like I CAN'T BREATHE!"

I can see that conversation taking place. How do you explain that? So I tried to explain. I tried to talk to her and the response I got was "there wasn't many people there you could have gone" --I just have to remember that she's never felt the fear of waking up in the morning. The fear of not being able to walk outside.

I don't like to tell pitty stories of myself. I don't like to talk about my problems and issues (haha this blog says otherwise doesn't it?). And I'm not. I'm writing about my life. And it's not a cry for pity nor is it a cry for help. Maybe one day someone will read this blog and say "she did it, she got over it and is living a normal life" --no matter which "it" thier talking about: the cancer, the infertility, the hideous divorce and losin my children, the panick attacks, the people phobia, the obsessive compulsive disorder.....need I say more? or do you need a longer list?

I didn't want to tell that guy who showed us the house today a peice of my history about losing my sons, my husband (exhusband) and my home all a week before my 25th birthday. But that's the ONLY way he'd understand part of my bad credit problem and maybe still give us a chance. When your life changes and literally falls apart, shit happens. And while your living under your parent's roof and trying to find a job your sinking so far into depression and a debt that you had kept current but when you finally have money comming in again you make a choice: struggle to pay current and history or just say "fuck it" and go with the current.

I chose FUCKIT and decided that my future could supercede my past. But My past haunts me. My past haunts me in more ways than a hooker can fuck you in a whorehouse.

As irrational as it may be I still have fears that I shouldn't have. Being with someone for as long as Hephaestus & I were together has seriously screwed me up. But his infidelities didn't help the situation. And ofcourse my almost affair with Guy didn't help matters either. But if I wasn't being neglected and cheated on I wouldn't have seeked that comfort elsewhere.

.......wow this went from "i almost had a panick attack at work" and "almost had a panick attack at Coldstone Creamery an hour ago" to my fucked up past relationship.

And I think it all stems from a dream I had the other night... It's not clear and I only have bits & peices that I can remember but here's the jist of it:

Joe and I with other friends and family are standing in the pasture/yard area of a huge house. there's a balcony and lots of people. There is a orange glow in the distance and people are talking about the forest fire. Well, I'm taking pictures of what we can see --and it was suppose to have been controlled so we should have been fine-- and the next thing I know someone is screaming. We turn around and the huge oak tree right next to the house is in flames and it begins to crack and falls on the house...

I can hear Joe screaming "just run! run! go! run!" as he turns to help those in need... and I flee away from him...

Next part I remember I'm in a house boat that's like 3 stories high and it's moving along at a pretty fast rate through some rapids. there is another guy i'm talking to and they had pulled him out of the water. We were talking about the people we had lost and I just remember such intense sorrow that I had left Joe behind and I should have stayed with him...

Then we come upon this island and after that things get blurry and my alarm clock woke me up...

So like I said, we went to coldstone creamery (yes again--we go too much don't we?) this evening and it was all fine, there was no crowd and then suddenly *BAM* huge crowd and there is this woman all up in my koolaid. (Joe said she was so close she could taste my 21 flavors) well, I had my icecream and Joe was waiting on his icecream it was being made and the woman is checked out before us. Well, it's really crowded by then. I'm shoved against the wall and there are people behind me in line to order it's so bad and I can't move I'm stuck. Finally I'm rang up and I'm trying to make it through the crowd when I couldn't breathe. It could have been alot worse but we stepped outside and enjoyed the slight mist in the air and ate our icecream. Joe quickly turned my attention to other things and I could breathe again.

I felt like the whole building was closing in on me. It was so much of a relief to step outside. Who knew that a noisy parking lot could be so comforting?

I told Joe today that we need to reduce my stress levels somehow. I'm too stressed out. It was stress that's started this shit in the begining. I can't go to my doctor with another fucking thing wrong with me...

1st backpain: ooh! narcotics :)
2nd the other issue: more pain meds :) --andothermeds--
yea i'm sure "panick attacks" would make an attention seeker... which I'm not.

I have issues....we all have issues...

right?