Saturday, August 23, 2008

Relay for Life - The Finale

Got to work this morning and busted my ass to get as much done as possible. Ofcourse, I got some done but not enough before 1pm hit and it was time to head over to the Relay site.

I walked as a team member but chickened out at the last minute to walk in the survivor lap. I was given my "bag of goodies" and I don't know what happened. I was all set to do it and be out there and "come out" (like i'm not already out, it's just really hard to talk about most of the time and if no one knows then i don't have to talk about it) and just didn't put on my survivor sash or t-shirt.

I get all geared up to talk about it and share my experiences over the past 10 years and then the lady who had brain cancer goes up there and starts talking about her story and i feel like i'm a poser and loser. Altho I *know* I'm not. I still feel unworthy to walk with the others in the survivor lap or to wear said gear I was given.

One of the ladies who gave out the gear to the survivors came up to me and asked me why I didn't walk with the others and I tried to explain to her how I felt and she just said "I hope next year you'll be more comfortable and decide to join us in the survivor lap" and she was really nice about it. I just hate putting myself out there so raw. but hey! what I am doing on this blog huh? exactly!

So anyways, other than having sore feet, my back killing me and getting way hot and rained on. It was a very fun and nice event. We're all signed up for the next one. We're going to start fundraising early and beat our $2,200 we raised this time. The total raised was over 50 thousand dollars. Can you believe that?

I got to know some of my coworkers better and it was nice to put a face to a name. I got to "schmooz" a few high executives from corporations that use us for thier meeting space. I've gotten to talk to a few on the phone regarding thier billing preferences but it was a good publicity for us to go out and meet them face to face as well.

This being our 1st Relay event we weren't all that organized and what we thought about some things turned out completely differently. So I'm pretty sure that our goals and setup for the actual event next year will be less public minded and more our walkers minded.

And next time I will proudly wear my shirt and sash. And I will walk in the survivors lap. I will try really hard not to chicken out. It'll help if Joe will promise to walk in the "caregivers" group to meet the survivors in the middle and walk the rest of the way with them. He thinks he doesn't qualify but the simple fact that he loves me and he's with me makes him qualify. He has to deal with all the emotions and uncontrolable issues that seem so unending right along with me. It's a hard job to love someone who's sick or has been sick in the past and could come up sick again at anytime.

I've got pins from this years' event and I'm going to put them on my pushboard at work to remind me to be brave, to be strong and that my cancer issues are just as important as anyone else's. that I'm not a loser, I'm not a poser and I'm proud to be a survivor, too.

And now it's time for this wore out person to drag her ass to bed. I'll get pictures from those who took em from work and post some.