PT #3

how did I get here? ....retelling my history of back problems to a new therapist..and doing all the painful shit i did during eval to see my limitations... i am SICK of talking about how i hurt my back. just make the pain go away! and i'm sick of the "eval" test movements.

i herniated L4 & L5 thanksgiving of 2005. had a helluva night at work. went home, went to sleep. woke up to spend thanksgiving with my family. got out of bed. my back was killing me. sat down on the couch. went to get up 5 mins later and my back seized up on me. i hit the ground. laid on my tummy. couldn't breathe it hurt so bad. Suga & her then boyfriend Taz helped me onto my back. that was worse. i almost fainted. they called an ambulance. 1 cat scan (or mri,whatever it was--iwas drugged and in a tunnel) 12 hours and tons of morphine later and 2 prescriptions for 2 muscle relaxers, vicodin and oxycontin i was on my way home. then i started seeing the PT a week later. i was out of work and doing PT for like 4 months.

the last time i'd seen a therapist was in spring of 2006 when they released me. Doc had me on ibuprohen for inflamation & pain management. well, about 3 weeks ago now I seemed to have agitated it. i couldn't hardly walk i was in so much pain and the ibuprophen wasn't helping anymore ontop of trying to get pregnant i was told no more of those... well, while waiting to see my doctor i started taking excedrin back & body. it helped with the pain and inflamation immensly so much i was in hardly no pain at all by the time i saw her... she recommended physical therapy.... to help with this because of my limitations on what meds i can take.

all it seems the therapist has me do is things that make it worse. atleast the 1st therapist was gentle about it and understood my boundaries and didn't feel like she was forcing me to go beyond... bending backwards, bending forwards, having me lay on my tummy flat kills me and my back flat does too.... i wanted to knock out the new PT today. and sadly its a new therapist because the one i've been seeing is going on vacation. but i can't take the excedrin anymore because of the asprin in it. i can do tylenol but that does nothing for inflamation. there are no muscle relaxers safe for pregnant (or wanting to become pregnant) women and she has me a prescription for vicoden that i can take but only in severe i can't think straight because the pain is so bad... so the therapy is suppose to be for pain management but i seem to be getting worse not better. and this new lady said that if we can't get me into any positions that are atleast tolerable then i can't do anything for the pain management.

i'm not a therapist. i can not decide what's best for me; but i had traction and ultra sonic whatever it is massage the last time and since now i'm considered a "cancer survivor" and i was then too, btw... they don't want to do the massage on me or the traction because its not good if you are pregnant as well and the whole female cancer thing. i practically starting ignoring her when she started lecturing me about walking. she asked me how i could walk for an hour on the track and not feel pain the intense pain but i can't bend back slightly...she said its the same movement. i dont see it, not even when she showed me by demonstrating. i don't walk that way. i walk straight and tall...... i don't know.

what i do know is that i had to take a vicodin again today. i know that my pain is much more intense because instead of backing off when i said "me and the other girl already tried this and it hurts too bad" she insisted until i caved and did it anyways with tears in my eyes. i think i'm going to call the PT place tomorrow and either a-request a new therapist or b-they send me somewhere else or c-they wait til the other chic gets back from vacation.

she recommended that if it hurt me to bend over or lift my left to put on my socks, shoes, underwear, pants, shave my legs......that i have Joe do it for me.......ok seriously, NO! and that's what i told her HELL FUCKING NO WAY! I am not an invalid. the last time i had to have someone help me with that shit it was Suga and I couldn't even walk without someone helping hold me up. I had to have SUPERVISION like a damn child, my friends took turns baby sitting me for 4 months. i don't DONT DONT DONT fucking want to be in that position again. it's degrading. it makes me feel stupid. it makes me feel worthless. and i know Joe would. but I DON'T WANT HIM TO HAVE TO. that's why i'm in therapy to prevent it, not to have my therapist say that he needs to........what the fuck?

well, i guess that's enough about me and my troublesome L4/5!

today we didn't get to walk. not enough time between work & PT. we instead went out and ate hotwings at PizzaHut. Not good for the diet but joe said it was the "last shebang" before we started healthy fullforce this weekend.

i think i have a decision to make... but it seems like a pointless decision. either hold off on actively trying to get pregnant (which *gasps* means we'd have to use a condom) and beable to take pills that will help me and let them do things to me that will affect an unborn child that thier affraid of doing now........or i can just keep doing what we're doing. i see it this way, when i get pregnant i'll be off those meds again and the pain will be back and worse because of a kicking & squirming baby......just no epidurals for me. which is ok. i'm afraid of needles going into my back anyways.....but if we did hold off on the baby making for now atleast they could do some cortizone shots or whatever thier called and see if that helps..... but i don't want needles in my back. no matter what the cause or effect.

stupid back.