I would say Happy Mother's Day...

but so far my Mother's Day is "starting off" on the wrong foot.......I just got off work. And I know that BioM will try to make one of her Annual Mother's Day calls and it'll go downhill faster than superman through the air.

and the fact that i want a smoke more than anything else right now and i usually chain 'em while on the phone with her, probly wont be helping much when my phone rings and the song "Apologize" starts to play by One Republic.

So no, it isn't/won't be a happy Mother's day because my Mother is crazy and I have to work.......and I'm not a "Mother", unless you count my Drake Drake.

Why can't the woman just stick to "how are you? that's nice glad your doing good, ok bye now" instead of trying to trudge up make-believe shit that never happened? or bring up the fact that I am childless. and try to say that it's my fault that i'm without child because she was denied the right to raise me because she went off the deep end and the judge made the right choice by having my father raise me.

why why why could i not have a normal mother? a woman who was there for me and loved me and cared for me? why did I have to have a crazy woman who I'd seldom visit on the weekends and maybe a few days in the summer and I would call my daddy up crying to let me please come back home and don't leave me with her because she'd go on these mad rampages and one time drug me by the head of my hair down 5 stories of stairs?

the men she was with were never normal. the one she's married to now still isn't normal. thier all drug addicts (like clay was) or drunks like the current one is. abusive and nasty and don't work, dont WANNA work and beat her down both physically and mentally. i mean jeeze i must have some kind of love for her in my own way if i actually care about who she is spending her life with and the fact that it doese hurt me to see her still in the same ole fucking hell of shit hole that she's always been with these lowdowngoodfornothingassholes.

i'd try to go visit her. i would. but these men make her even more insane. she was tolerable and i loved visiting with her that one summer, i can't remember how old i was. when she had the trailer in r'ville back home... that summer was a nice & decent summer for us. she worked at Burger King and we actually had fun and that was the one summer she didn't get all insane on me or try to hit me or hurt me. that was the one summer i actually stayed the 2 whole months with her (minus visiting daddy everyother weekend) and never once called him crying to come get me....she was also single that summer....

i dream sometimes, have nightmares. that i'm finally able to have a baby and that i turn into her. i go crazy and try to kill my child and husband as well... and i wake up, it's just a dream. but it's scary. how much of her is in me? it's enough of a scare to make me sometimes want to rethink the whole idea of being a mother either biologically or by adoption/foster care.

I must say tho I am very happy for the 4 "motherly" type influences in my life. 1st would be Daddy's 2nd wife and Raquel's mother. She's been there for me, helped me get a job and been around anytime I needed an ear to vent into.

Daddy had a bestfriend and he had a wife and they'd be around all the time. I'd love to go over there and they'd play music together and me and her would talk "girly" stuff and I think daddy might have asked her to make sure I knew about certain "womanly" things because she's the one who talked to me about what to expect during your womanly times of the month and took me for my 1st exams and all that stuff. I really miss her. They moved away... I'm kinda sad now. She was an amazing woman to take someone else's kid, her friend's kid and make sure that she knew atleast had a woman to take care of certain needs.

then you have Daddy's 3rd wife. she was like a bestfriend. told me straight up "i'm not your mom, i don't wanna be your mom, but i hope that maybe we can get along and be friends"...and to this day, we're still friends and talk. she's like the older sister I never had and wished I did.

and now we have MomI. man it was rough going at first and we warmed up to eachother and things are great now. She's "MOM" in every sense of the word that a woman can be a mother to someone starting at age 18 who'd not had to share her Daddy or house with another woman really at all. we have ups, we have downs and i'd say that minus the fact that she didn't come into my life until i was 18 years old, that we're pretty much what you'd expect from a mother/daughter relationship. it's not perfect, it's not horrible and atleast we love eachother and i can comfortably stay up all night long just talking about nothing til we're both blue in the face and exhuasted.

So happy Mother's Day? not really here, but I hope that yours is better than mine.