i nearly forgot about sharing my conversation with BioM on monday. She didn't call me on sunday because she knew I was working. However, she got my card and she loved it, 100%. She didn't make a huge stink about me not going to Nashville, TN to be with her for mother's day NOR did she ask (like always) if I could make a 16 hour out of my way side trip for a day in Nashville.
Instead, she asked about Joe and she asked after Drakus. Wanted to know how I was settling in with the New Place (condo) and if I'd had any luck finding a different job. we talked almost 30 mins and the conversation ended VERY well instead of me sayin "I can't talk to you when your like this" and me hanging up.
(I was blown away, I kept expecting to hear her put in "Btw, how is your Father? Has he started forcing MomI into Orgies yet like he did me"..or.."You can tell me, he's a closet drunk now"..and my fave.."why don't you just admit that he (daddy) and your grandfather molested you, why did you let them scare you into lying about it?"..and it goes on and on.....seems like a normal conversation and those things just slip in between)
She use to be so pretty and beautiful. I have pictures from her HighSchool and College days. Everyone has told me that she was so nice to everyone and a perfect student and so very smart. She wanted to be a Teacher. Always reading, real literary.
And then she got pregnant. but that's not when everything changed. It was a few hours after she gave birth to me they noticed she seemed a little off and chalked it up to exhaustion.
She's neglectful to me. She doesn't want to work or take care of me. She just sits there and stares. My Gramma & Grammpa B end up taking care of me. She starts having hideous mood swings where she lashes out super violently...
I cant' go through all this but I'll put words together and you make out what you can: an axe, gasoline, a fire...i'm scared and needing to go pee. I pee my self. I'm about 2/3 years old. My father is screaming at her to stop. She's ranting nonsense words I don't understand.
now nightmares. that she's being injected by something (unclear) with black poisonous liquid. it tries to get daddy.......daddy is brave and strong. daddy & i run.
and then my life shuffles. I'm in foster care for a while, don't really remember it. And then I go to live with one of my Aunts. Finally daddy gets me back. I'm 4 soon to be 5. I start Kindegarten that year.
after awhile things are pretty normal. Daddy marries Raquel's Mom and then Raquel is born. I have infrequent irradic visits with BioM. They are not happy visits. But they are supervised with Aunts, Uncles & Cousins. Everyone is afraid and worried. I'm shy from her. They fear I remember what Happened...I can hear them whispering.....
I remember enough. I remember enough to know that had my father or grandparents not been there, I'd likely not be with you today.
She sounds to have been (be) seriously mentally ill. Perhaps a post-partum thing (it happens).
ReplyDeleteThere is a surprising level and prevelance to mental problems, largely unrecognized.
Remember, people do rise above the nuttiness in their families and get past it (and most families have at least some to get past).
Know that it is there, watch for early signs of problems yourself and if there are any - get on them early while dealing with it is easier/possible to deal with them.
i think i might go and see a counselor just to get on top of things. sometimes i get so moody and i don't know if it's legit or its a problem.
ReplyDeleteMoms are a bigtime challenge. I'm glad you conversation went well though on the phone, that's always a little victory. Maybe talking to someone would be a good idea. Get it out in the open and get someone else's POV.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking as a single father, who has to deal with a mother who is, quite simply out of her mind on the best of days (although not mentally/medically screwed up, she's a fuckup by choice) I can tell you that talking to your father about what you do remember can be therapeutic in its own right.
ReplyDeleteWhile painful right now, you have only your perspective. Part of the pain can be somewhat unrealized, because your brain writhes from an incomplete picture.
I have had the same issue with Selphie. And so we talk about things she has remembered. It helps stabilize her thoughts and recollections to know things from a different perspective.
She witnessed some of the most disturbing arguments as a small child, but she also has a better, more complete picture of what happened and why, and this helps...sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. But, she's better for knowing the complete story.
Parents these days try entirely too hard to shelter kids from some of the harsh realities. I think that's a big mistake. I think children are remarkable at discerning things if you give them a chance to. =)
Duo
Bayjb: thanks. i really think if i go see a counselor about her, then i can head off any future issues with myself.
ReplyDeleteDuo: i talk to my dad about it. he's reluctant because he doesn't want to dwell on the past or the negative. my grandparents (her dad & stepmom) talk to me about her alot and so does another aunt of mine. I have the support system to help deal with everything. when i was younger they wanted to shelter me instead of trust me with what was going on and now that i'm older (nearly 28) they've finally started opening up the past few years...
but yes, i talk to my dad about it alot and it has helped. and i mostly talk to my grandpa & aunt.