....................ooops i did it again????

ok so like, i had to be at work at 5:30 this morning. and with the rate that i've not been sleeping and just bawling and crying and miserable and unintentially/intentionally picking fights with people, and with Taranis... He bought me a pack of smokes yesterday on his way home from work. And yes, I had mentioned it to him to PLEASE because it's cheaper than the stop smoking aides and I needed to beable to sleep so i could get up at 4:45 am.

trust me, that first cigarette tasted nasty, absolutely horrible. I wanted to gag. but it did it's job and that was to ease me so i could sleep. i still had nightmares and woke up at about 4am this morning because of one... the nightmare: that Joe had left me for someone else. Someone who didn't smoke.

this is some fucking shit. so, i only had 2 cigs yesterday. 1 before dinner and 1 right before bed, i dropped off fairly easy. i've never been a good sleeper. i can't remember the lastime that i just fall asleep as soon as i my head hit the pillow.......oh yes i can. when I worked at wal-mart on nights. I'd wake up in the evening between 5 and 6, leave for work at 9p, clock in at 10 (we would hangout for about 30 mins outside of the store in the parking lot, me and my friends Suga, Ram, Pimpie, etc) get off between 7am and 8am (sometimes 9 if it was bad night) and go home. i wouldn't be "sleepy" and neighter would Suga or anyone else so we'd all hangout or whatever til noon or later and about 1pm I started to get to the point I couldn't keep my eyes open and I'd fall asleep either on the couch or in my bed. how in the hell i survived off 4 to 5 hours asleep and working nights...wow. and i did that for about a year. the things we do when we're young.

now i can't fall asleep and i can't stay asleep. say i fall asleep finally about 3am, i'm awake at 8 or even earlier. most of the time i lay in bed trying to go back to sleep but the sun is shining and its day light and Drake wont leave me alone so it's rise and shine for me.

i've seriously been thinking of the sleeping pills. but i don't want them in my house. i'm suppose to be taking Ibuprophen for my back (not that i do it regularly anymore) so i was thinking, they have the Nightime PM Ibuprophen meds out these days with pain reliever and sleep aide. that's not like an actual sleeping pill. maybe i'll pick some up this weekend and see how that works. and it'd help me get back on track with as often as i'm suppose to be taking it for the back inflamation.

and i'm putting this pack aside that i have. i've had 2 smokes today. both tasted like complete shit. my body is craving them tho. so i'm gonna keep em on hand, i'm not going to throw them away. put em in the freezer. outa site, outa mind. and if an emergency comes up, something, whatever...thier there. but only incase of emergency.

joe said maybe i should try weening myself off instead of cutting out completely. i've thought of that myself. i've slowly been weening myself off. i've went from nearly 2 packs aday (when I was with Hephaestus) to progressivly less. currently 1 pack lasts me.... Lets see that last pack I bought Thursday morning when I got off work at 9am. That was a week ago. And I smoked the last one out of it about 9pm Sunday night. that's 4 days for 1 pack. that's about 5 smokes a day. that's not alot when you think about it. ok so lets cut ourselves down to 3 aday now. morning, noon and bedtime. think that'll work? sure would keep my nerves from going into overdrive.

ok i'm off here. i got scrolls to scribe and a house to clean.