Friday, June 01, 2007

guess i better update this thing...

feeling a little better. still panicky over most of everything that's going on. been working on PBuilders' webpage, should have another meeting with him in a few days to go over what i've done and what he wants added. hopefully it all goes smoothly and i'll have his check in my hands in a few days for my trip home.

went to the hospital this morning for pre-registration on the surgery thursday. it's at noon, gotta be there at 10am for prep. said i wont be outa there no earlier than 4pm, that's if it all goes smoothly. can't have nothing to eat the night before after midnight. liquid dinner as early as possible, blah blah. can't take my ibuprophen for my back for the next week. and they said a few days after as well.

my room is a disaster, i usually dont let it get this bad but i just havn't cared one bit. trying so hard not to just give up on everything. trying really hard to be the person that my father would be proud of. the person who doesn't say "fuck it all" and leave everything behind. but i've pretty much said "fuck it" with my room at the moment and i'll deal with it sunday.......... maybe

i thought that starting over would be easy, like finding your niche in the groove of things, but its been harder than what i thought. in some ways, i wish that i never moved up here to start over. that i had tried harder in arkansas. wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which ones fills up the fastest.

i owe Crystal 90 bucks for the registration on the truck *sigh* tag renewal. she's been helping me out by not having to pay all that registration shit for an initial buy by letting me keep her tags on it for now and then i had to ask her to pay the renewal on the tags. but she did. so that's awesome. i had totally forgotten about them and it was part of my breakdown the other day. just one more thing ontop of everything else.

i have 7 more payments on the truck and it'll be paid for. i was thinking about trading it in on something smaller and better on gas mileage and newer, but i dont know if i could afford new payments again AND try to move out on my own. plus all the money i'd have to shell out to put it in my name, wait for the title and then go and trade it in. i dont think they'd let "ME" trade it in since its still in her name, technically. i really want cheaper gas mileage, but I guess that has to wait.

so basically i'm lost and i feel lost and i want to run away, which i'd have no where to run away to or have any way to take my stuff back to arkansas and put it all in storage (i still have my entire life but a few things in storage in arkansas) again and send my daddy the money to pay it monthly. i could always take that $500, run away with it. lol. no, i wouldn't do that.

so, the run down is this: i'm walking through this nightmare i've found myself in. i'm walking slowly and scared that around every corner there is another boogie man. i feel like i have no one who loves me or cares for me but i know that's not true. i feel small and weak and worthless, i feel useless. utterly useless.

sadly, i find myself thinking of Hephaestus more often than i had been the past few months. i think its the whole "seperation anniversary" thing. i did really good around the wedding anniversary. 10 days. see how well i do in 10 days, maybe --hopefully-- i will forget all about it with the surgery and Raquel's wedding and it'll pass by me like the other date did. sadly, i can't help but miss him a little bit..... ok, alot. a whole lot. and i hate him even more for that because i doubt he misses me at all. sometimes i wonder if i'd feel better if i knew whether or not he thought about me or thinks about me. if i knew he hated my guts and called me bad things and cursed my existance it'd help alot. i dont think i'd want to know if he still loves me and yearns for me. altho i doubt the latter. i doubt that he misses me, so its a one sided thing i'm just gonna have to push away. and no, i'd never go back to him. i wish that we had a more positive relationship/friendship. but i just answered my own question didn't i?

oh well, i gotta go to work. its after 3pm and the spa is calling for me.

--Slipknot "Vermillion Pt.2"

She seen trust in all of me, stretched across my shame.
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through the cover in me
Id do anything ever to myself
Just to have her for myself
Now I dont know what to do, I dont know what to do when she makes me sane.

She is everything to me
The unaquited dream
A song that no one sings
The unobtainable, Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I dont know what to do, I dont know what to do when she makes me sane.

But I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me

A catch in my throat
Choke, dawn into pieces I wont
No, I dont want to be this

But I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me

She isnt real
I can make her real
She isnt real
I can make her real

If you've never heard this song before, you need to find it and listen to it.

2 comments:

  1. Hephestus has never wished you ill and never speaks a bad word about you. He also never takes part in any conversations that someone may be talking negatively about you. He has only wanted you to be happy and felt that was not with him.

    He is doing well... take a look at the following website:

    http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=35900881&albumID=1900377&imageID=18814953

    That's his two month old daughter Raelynn Silver Dawn.

    ReplyDelete
  2. why would you send me a picture of him and his daughter? don't you think i'm hurting enough as it is. that's not going to help me let go. that's just painful because in my mind that should be him and our daughter or son.

    and i never said he bad mouths me. i'm just sayin how i feel about him.

    its not my fault i can't move on completely.

    ReplyDelete

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