Some Funnies

Courtesy of my Brother Lucky.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, 'This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!' So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?'

'Ma'am,' the officer replies, 'you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.'

'Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... Twenty-two miles an hour!' the old woman says a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that '22' was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time,' the officer asks.

'Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.'

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Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.

"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"

"I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it"

Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts,

"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

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One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all imediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from West Virginia University , Morgantown and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.