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| Monday, October 29, 2007 |
| 3:45 PM |
the good, the bad and the ugly
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am i too open with my life? to have a journal on the internet. hell, not even 1 i have 2. this one that your reading and another one that sometimes i really lay it all out in. its private and only specific people are allowed to read certain posts. Believe me, yall aren't missing much. I hardly ever go there and write. sometimes i think it's a little pointless to have it and then i find those urges that i just need to say a little too much and get it off my chest.
who even reads my journal? seriously i find my life very boring. i know i have atleast 3 maybe 4 constant readers. i think most of my hits are spam. especially the overseas ones. but who knows, i could be wrong.
ok so i have a problem. i have an issue. there is someone in my life who i love dearly and before now i would have done anything for this person. and now i have come to loath them and can't even stand to hear the sound of thier voice and dread answering my phone when they call. unfortunatly i have to see this person alot so i can't even really vent my true feelings towards them. anytime i even try to talk to them about what is happening between us they get hostile and just brutal. i want to cry. there was an issue today that happened and i seriously think that sometimes they are trying to sabotage me and its not like i can go to someone else and say "hey, i think so and so is being vindictive towards me and i'm not even sure what i did to this person to make them so irately upset with me cuz whenever i try to talk to them i get nowhere". so i feel like i'm stuck in a lose/lose situation and the only way to get out of the situation is to dramatically change my life, or well things that are involved with my life. *sigh* i don't know what to do! i walk and live in fear and anxiety and i know this is not good for me. the only thing that keeps me from just saying "fuck you, fuck all of you" is everything that Taranis and I have been talking about and working through. everything that he and I are planning or else i probly would have begged my daddy to let me go live with him again.
now, something positive! speaking of Taranis, I find myself constantly thinking of him, wanting to be near him. I enjoy the time we spend together even though its nearly a constant thing. we are just as easy with eachother doing something or just laying around doing nothing. granted not everything is perfect (hell, nothing ever will be) but everything else seems pretty great. yea we got our differences and that's a good thing. be boring without them, right!? so, we were hanging out lastnight and i can't remember the conversation but he threw in there something like "so your developing feelings for me" or something like that and i was like "no, what are you talking about? seriously, no" but i couldn't help but just grin and blush thinking to myself "oh yea, and i'm trying hard to not let them development".
~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~
Feeling:  why do they want to hurt me?
Listening to: Barenaked Ladies "Pinch Me"Labels: Confessions
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Comments:
People do drive us crazy - and it pretty much never really makes sense.
I suppose I coount as one of the regular readers? krm
yea your one of my regulars. can't understand why you'd want to read about my life. i think you explained to me or told me something before but i don't remember exactly :-)
i think you found me through murray. but you stuck around, i'll never know.
So I'm sitting here this evening and Blaez turns to me and says, "You realize your marrying a guy in a woman's body!". hmm no beating around the bush huh
1, i could have been talking about another girl. and B, that really wasn't suppose to come out of my mouth.... we were watching a movie, I turned to make a commment. *shrug* (yea he knows i'm teasing)
krm - Seeing a hockey fan from DuPage on Murray's site was certainly an "it's a small world moment". I keep checking in because hockey people are loyal like that.
A fairly high percentage of guys would likely be just as happy - if not happier - married to their best guy friend, if he were only appropriately sexually equiped.
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