And I thought friday night was bad

Last night was REALLY bad! I didn't get to sit down pretty much all night I was running around, which should be a good thing, right? lol. I'm sore as it is from jumping up and down thursday night. I still havn't completely gotten my voice back. BUT, it was insisted that I sing last night at CR and I did, accapella. It was more rougher & huskier. Someone told me that I should 'lose your voice more often and sing that way forever its so sexy' I asked him what was I a 'whiskey drinking chain smoking rock star' and he said 'your on your way' and we had another shot of jack d.

I'm VERY dissapointed in myself! My clothes that were falling off me when I came up here became to 'fit perfect' and now thier starting to 'get a little snug'. I'm sure TacoBell doesn't help matters much. Nore drinking. I have no will power when it comes to shit. I have to be 'forced' to comply.

How did I lose 100lbs a year and 1/2 ago? Well, it all started when Hephaestus and I seperated 6 days before my birthday. I was so depressed and ill over our relationship ending that I literally did not eat for months. The first month it was mainly depression, not comming out of my room at all and crying all the time. Well, 2 weeks after we seperated I started working at wal-mart doing over night stocking in grocery. Not eating + stocking in grocery (which is really hard, btw) = losing weight. In one month my pants were falling off me I had to use a belt. Then I just looked stupid because everything was so baggy. I would buy 2 pairs of pants at a time and do laundry every other day. When those 2 pants started to fall off to that point again, I'd buy another 2.

Anyways, the point is. I went from a size 26 being very close to 300 lbs down to a size 12 to 16 depending on the cut and around 180 lbs.

When I first moved up here, I still wasn't eating much. After about 6 months of not eating anything but Slim Jims and a 25cent bag of Funyuns for lunch and that's it for one day I started to eat a little more. My mom & dad were having issues with me not eating and so was other people. So, I started to eat a little more but not much. When it came down to 1 year after our seperation and 5 months after the divorce was final I moved up here.

And we all know what happened then. I decided I was going to quit smoking. Which was NOT a good thing to do (for me) because I wanted to eat all the time. And just regular food, Junk food. Chocolate, Candy. I gained 15 lbs. Started smoking again. By then it was too late. My body had rediscovered food and it was bound and determined to not let me starve it again. Well, I initially dropped 10 of those 15 lbs that I regained, but it didn't last long. I have now accumulated 40 lbs back of that 100 that I lost. IN 6 MONTHS!

The cause? Drinking too much. Not having 'healthy' foods accesible in the house or no food at all and eating out all the time. Having 2 jobs where I just 'sit'. I'm not active like I was before. And believe it or not, I have less energy now that I have a sit down job that when I had that job at wal-mart where I was running around constantly.

I need motivation, will power, something! WAIT, I need it to FUCKING WARM UP OUTSIDE so I don't have an excuse to not go walking like I want to do... I need to join a GYM.