"The French are willing to Die for Love....."

According to Moulin Rouge anyways.

Went and bought me a new purse today. My other is literally falling apart. And it helped to splurge on something I know I don't really need. lol

Still can't find an urn for my little girl. My next stop is Styx N Stonz, they are a new age store. And maybe a craft store if I don't find it at SnS. I got the boys' urns at a crafts store. I was gonna do something similair. Thier heart shaped, clear glass and the hole on top is sealed with a candle. Maige has a White candle, Spike a Red one and I was gonna do a pink or purple one (maybe even yellow) for Mysterious. It was out of luck that I found the same thing for the boys. They died a year apart. Spike first. Then we had to put Maige down cuz he turned out to have Feline Lukemia as well and started getting sick from it. The vet thinks that Maige brought it into the house. Because Spike would have tested Positive for it before then at his checkups. As well as Mysterious & Drakkus.

After he said that, I said "no more animals". And ofcourse we had to keep Maige & Spike seperate from Mysterie & Drake. Maige wasn't sick with it at first. They can carry it for years and never get sick. Just be a carrier. Well, Spike got sick, bad sick. We tried keeping him alive. Medication, shots, days being admitted into the hospital. Finally, I asked the Vet what I should do cuz he was just getting worse and worse. The vet said we did everything and it was either A-put him to sleep or B-just make him comfortable. So I stopped giving him the meds and started giving him a kitty type of morphine to keep in comfy. He passed away on his own. I let him go naturally. That's why he was a Red candle. My Love & Passion for him was so strong, I couldn't let him go and he knew it. The vet said he lived longer after we stopped the meds than he should have.

I held him that last night. I could tell he was in so much pain. And I gave him a shot of the kitty pain killers and whispered over and over and kissed him "Mommy loves you so much, I know you want to stay with me, but its ok. I'll be ok. You go where you wont suffer anymore. I'll always have you in my heart and I know you'll always be here with me" That night he died. It was like, that's all he needed.

Then a year later, Maige started getting sick from the Lukemia. We had started shots and meds on him already to keep it dormant and to see if we could bring him around the other cats again. But, he didn't make that time limit and started getting sick. So, instead of putting him through the torment, Hephaestus and I decided it was best if we just let him go to sleep. I took him to the vet, and held him close all the while whispering "I love you" over and over in his ear. And, ofcourse, "I'm sorry, I don't want you to go through the pain Spike went through" That's why Maige has a White candle. He was the first ever I had to put to sleep. And it was so hard. I thought of (and still think of him) as an Innocent.

Mysterious, I was thinking Purple for Royalty. She's like my little Princess. All regal. And I was thinking of Pink because she's a girl. My little girl. My angel. So full of light and sunshine, which is the reason I was thinking Yellow. But, I'm gonna do Pink, I believe. I just need to find the Urn.

It seems that most of my friends are happy and in love. New babies and toddlers all around me. I was on the phone with a friend of mine while I was in Wal-Mart. Listening to thier happy life and new born babies. And I ended up walking through the clearanced Halloween section, which rapidly became the Yule/Christmas section and I wanted to cry. Standing in wal-mart amongst all the Christmas stuff made me so sad. Reminded me that I don't have babies to give presents from Santa on Christmas morning, to watch as thier faces light up with Joy when they open a present they didn't think they were gonna get.

I hate the holidays. I wanna be scroodge and say "Ba hum bug!", but I can't because I love the Holidays. And like Scroodge, eventually I let in that Holiday love and cheer and it melts my icy heart.

I can spoil Drake, tho. He can't open presents, but I can still get him some. And I'm not waiting for the holidays. He got spoiled before, but now its going to be really bad because he's an only child. I need to get him a new stocking. I'm thinking of getting him 2. And me 2. One for each of us in the living room to hang on the Mantle with Crystal, Tazzie, Shiloh (Dog #1) and Pearl (Dog #2). Then another set to hang in here just for me and my DrakeDrake. I'd get him a tree, but I don't know if he could appreciate it or not, lol. Might try and play with it instead of admire it. He loves laying under the tree and pretending to be a present. I'll have to find those photos from past yules and put them up. He's such a ham.

I'm addicted to Taco Bell. Have I told you that yet? Does this count as a confession? lol And I collect Fire sauce packets from Taco Bell. I tell them to put extra in there, I only eat like 1 or 2 packets and I end up having 10 left over. I'm starting to get quite alot of them.

Ok, so I guess I've rambled on about nothing long enough. I've not been really doing anything too interesting. working, sleeping and thinking way too damn much for my own good.

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Feeling: I'm alive, does that count as a mood?


Listening to: "Sympathetic" - Seether