Hardest thing I've ever done

I now believe, that what I did today was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I thought telling my dad I was getting married and moving out was hard. Oh no, that was a cake walk because I still lived in the same town. THEN, when we moved to the East Coast, I thought THAT was hard. OH NO! Nothing compared to today. My daddy just got his daughter back after almost 10 years of me running here and moving there, I guess he finally thought I was gonna settle down and not leave state again.

I finally came clean with EVERYTHING. The talks about Memphis and TeeJ. About me talking with ALOT of different people about moving to alot of different places. And how I finally came down to the finalist and moving to Chicago. He's worried about me, as any father would worry about his child. He says he doesn't want me to make the same mistakes as he did... Which brings this song so much more closer to my heart in regards to my father... It seems now, Instead of him being the one walking out the door (no, he never abandoned me, its a long story, but my father raised me. My mother wasn't around. It was just me and daddy) to make our lives better...Its me going away.

Zoe Jane
Staind
(14 Shades Of Grey)

well i want you to notice
to notice when i'm not around
and i know that your eyes see straight through me
and speak to me without a sound

[chorus]

i want to hold you
protect you from all of the things i've already endured
I want to show you, show you all the things that this life has in store for you
i'll always love you
the way that a father should love his daughter

when i walked out this morning
i cried as i walked to the door
i cried about how long i'd be away for
i cried about leaving you all alone

[chorus]

sweet zoe jane [x2]

so i wanted to say this
'cause i wouldn't know where to begin
to explain to you what i have been through
to explain where your daddy has been

[chorus]

sweet zoe jane [x2]

On father's day this year, I read that song in dedication to him. He cried and I cried and the whole damn Congregation cried. Not many people know or understand where me and my father have come from. He is areally a great man and probly the most greatest man ever in my life. I don't want to leave my father. I don't want to leave my sisters. I don't want to do alot of things. But I have to... I hope they understand this. That I have to leave. Thier is nothing here for me. And he says he understands, but I can't handle the hurt in his eyes now when he looks at me. I've been crying for the past few hours, so afraid he's dissapointed in me. He says he's not dissapointed in me. That he's proud of me. That I had a vision and I'm following through with my dreams. He said he'd much rather me go to Chicago and pursue that Dream than to head to Memphis and get in the middle of a bunch of Music stuff that wont go anywhere.

The thing is, I'll never give up on my music dream. I just have another place to try and pursue it in. (And believe me, Crystal and them wont let me give up on that dream)

Oh. My mind is... i don't know. I'm happy. no, wait...I'm excited about moving to Chicago. I really am. I'm just really sad about leaving my family. Why is it so HARD this time?! Why? I can't understand why its so hard to walk away this time. I'm gonna be a wreck the next few days. I know it.

I have so many people I need to contact first. So many people I need to go see before I leave.

I'm holding my head up proud tho. I'm making a stand for myself. I'm going to a place where I can completely start my life over and begin anew. No history, no ex boyfriends or ex husbands to run into. No enemies or old friends I would care to never see again. NO I'M NOT RUNNING AWAY from all the bad shit. Altho, It does help I wont have to deal with it anymore.

And I was always so happy in Chicago.