Lots of Thinking Today

In less than a month I'm going to be 25 years old. I dont feel like I've accomplished alot in my 25 years of being on this earth. I've been married close to 4 years (May 26th is our Anniversary) and I've been with my husband off n on since April 23rd 1998. Yes, I was 17 when we got together. He was 21.

I was hoping to be closer to owning my own home by my birthday (June 16th) but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. By end of last year I was suppose to be pregnant, that Didn't happen either. What have I accomplished in my life? Nothing that I can think of...

Did I go to college? No
Do I own my own home? No
Do I have children? No
Have I traveled around the world? No
Have I sang in a band? No

So, what have I done?

I dont remember much of my childhood, and what I do remember I wish I could forget. I brought into this world on Father's Day June 16th 1980. My birth parents are Daddy and BioMom. BioMom attempted to murder me when I was baby. Drownings, setting me on fire, choking me... My father left her. On the night she tried to set the house on fire, I was taken from my father and mother and put into Foster care with my Aunt and Uncle with thier 2 sons. While in thier care, I injured myself (by accident) while trying to ride my bi-cycle with a lollypop in my mouth and shattered the roof of my mouth and came close to puncturing my brain and killing myself when I fell off my bi-cycle when I lost control of it when I ran into my cousin's tool box in the Driveway.

I still have nightmares of her doing these acts to me and when I'd go visit her on visitation days, being abused physcially and mentally.

When I was close to 5 years old my father recieved custody of me again and he Married my 1st step-mother MomJ. Who gave birth to my little Sister, Raquel in 1987. A few years later, they were divorced and it was me and my dad for the longest time. He worked 2 jobs and did everything in his power to try and make sure that I was well taken care of and well provided for. He re-married when I was 14/15 years old. October of '95, not long after one of my good friends killed himself, I got sick and almost died in the ambulance on my way to the hospital. This was Halloween. I remember waking up in the hospital and not remembering why I was there. I went home a few days before Thanksgiving and was told my tonsils were taken out... Bummer, couldn't eat anything for a long time if it wasn't liquid. I became adicted to codiene and now I am banned from narcotics for the rest of my life.

I started working when I was 16 years old. My first job was at Wendy's in Clarksville, AR where I was born and raised. That didn't last long at all. I hated that job. I Soon started working for MomJ (my baby sister's mother) in her Tanning salon. My payment? Free tans and free use of her excercise equipment while I did my homework. And the ability to put on my resume to say that I was the Assistant Manager and did all these cool things that managers do. But I never managed anybody but myself. I was working for her when I met my Hephaestus.

Not long after my 18th birthday my father told me that I needed to get a "real job". Around this time is when he met and married his current wife MomI. So, I started working for the hospital. I worked at the Hospital as a nursing assistant in the Geri-Phsyc ward (ofcourse I also floated over to other parts of the hospital. I rode in ambulances and worked in the ER. That was an awesome job.) In 2001 I lost that job. But before that, November of 1999 Hephaestus and I break up.

November of 1999 I'm told I need to see a specialist for "abnormal cells". I take a "vacation" for about a month in December of '99 and visit my friend Crystal for the first time in Chicago. When I come back home, I see the specialist. I'm told I have pre-cancer cells... The Doc proceeds to freeze my cervix in January then does Laser in March. All the while I'm moving into my new 1 bed room studio apartment and having "love" wars with Hephaestus. (Here's a hint ladies and gents, your only suppose to wait 6 months.) Unknowing of what the "doctor" did to me, I try to carry on with my life. Hephaestus and I get back together sometime in the Fall of 2000 and move in together (again) into a Townhouse. Sometime after moving in we meet this woman, we'll call TheWhore. She is pregnant with a daughter and claims that she wishes she had aborted it. Her and the father had split. Hephaestus knew the father and took pitty on ThWhore. We befriended her. She said she wanted me and Hephaestus to have the baby. She goes into labor the day before Hephaestus's b-day. We're scheduled to take the baby home on Hephaestus's b-day. She denies us and takes the baby back and refuses to sign the adoption papers. That night I get a phone call and she tells me to come get the "crying and screaming bitch because she wont shut up and she can't stand the damn little bitch". So, I drive over there, take the baby.... We never hear from TheWhore again for a long time.

I'm working all the time at the hospital. Hephaestus brother has moved in with us. Our friend Jugalo moves in with us. Mars wrecks our car. Jugalo loses his job. He stays home with the baby and takes care of her for me. We do this for a long time......Then one day, months later and out of the blue, TheWhore takes the baby away. We call the police (had already made a report and was talking with lawyers about abandonment issues) and they do nothing... She has the baby and runs away to Alaska. (Years later we find out that the Canadian government took the baby from her because of abuse and neglect... Canadian government is smarter than American.)

I lose my job at the hospital. Hephaestus loses his job at Tysons. This is about May of 2001. May of 2001 Hephaestus and I tie the knot... Ya, we have nothing to our names and marry each other because we love each other. What a way to prove to everyone that you really do in fact are in love, to marry someone at the pit of your existance, when you have nothing, not even a roof over your head. We borrowed money from my folks to buy the Rings and Marriage liscences. Soon after that, we move into my parent's house. Not long after that, Hephaestus leaves (at the request of his biological father) to move to Maryland.

Not long after he leaves (makes me wish he hadn't left cuz then we never would have moved to Maryland) I get a job at liquor store. I'm saving my money and paying off debts. Hephaestus is suppose to be saving his money... His step-mother is taking his money (without his knowledge, they co-signed the account, wonder why!) December of 2001 I goto Maryland to visit with my husband. My parent's bought the bus ticket.

February of '02 I pack up our car and set out for Winchester, Viriginia (where Hephaestus got our apartment). I get about 3 hours out and the car breaks down. I called a friend SexyMomma, she came and picked me up (with the cats ofcourse, I had my babies with me) and I stay with her for a few days. Take my stuff back to my parent's house and store it in thier crawlspace under the house. My step-sister Pebbles promises to keep my babies safe. I borrow money from my dad, and take a bus to Washington, DC. I wasn't suppose to end up in Washington, DC. The place I WAS suppose to be my final destination was robbed and they closed down for the night and I had to stay on the bus til DC... How fun!

A few weeks later Hephaestus and I make the trip to Arkansas and pick up my shit. (Our shit really) and the babies. And a tag-a-long, Everlight. I get a job at Kmart (walking back and forth to work cuz we have 1 vehicle, a truck that his biological dad was selling to us and later takes away because thier asses). One day while I'm work the landlord stops by for an "inspection". Landlord doesn't know about Everlight. Everilght says he's living there... We get evicted. Everlight leaves and goes back to Arkansas.. How nice. I had made a "friend" while working at Kmart and moved in with her. We got a storage shed and packed in our shit and between working and running after her kids, I found us a townhouse. But, the townhouse as really far out of town, and I had to quit my job at Kmart. Baer moves in with us. A guy who worked with Hephaestus at MC Dean. He ends up moving in his G-Friend InfernoGoddess and her son and Hephaestus and I pack up our shit December of '02 and move back to Arkansas. With no job and no income and no vehicle we are starting over again.

After about a week of searching we found the Apartment that we are in now. Hephaestus's mother and step father buy us a Delta 88 and Hephaestus goes on the Road for a company called GDH Consulting and I start working for Walmart's Neighborhood market. We're doing ok, but I keep getting asked to watch the boys and if they could stay with us all the time because thier parents lived in unsatisfactory conditions and I feel obliged to keep them so I call in sick too many times at Wal-Mart and get canned because I have no baby-sitter at night because Hepheastus was on the road. In june his Step-Dad and Mom buy us a 2004 Hyundai Elantra.. Stipulation, we keep up the insurance and they make the payments. I finally get smart and get a job that I can keep the kids and work at the same time. I start working for a car dealership during the Evenings. Perfection. Until I get sick again. I have a DRs appt with a specialist here because my "family practicioner" told me I needed to. I have to have surgery on Christmas Eve of '03. I have cancer in my cervix again and spreading to close to my uterus. Its been incubating since '99 and getting worse. I dont know how long I'm going to be on medical leave, so they can me. Hephaestus has a really nice job working for a company named Staley with awesome insurance, so I'm ok! They do the surgery and I get to keep my womanlies, but not my sanity. I'm told that I may never beable to have children so I cling even harder to the boys. They'll know more after I heal.... Perfect. Spring of '04 comes around. I'm working at Game X Change and dealing with the BS there... That job doesn't last long. The Doc gives me the final check over and says "If you last atleast 5 more years and this doesn't come back, we may have new treatments that you can keep your Uteris, etc. If it comes back in less than 5 years, your going to have to have a hysterectomy... I'm sorry"... So, we try to get pregnant. We do fertility drug therapies and everything... Dont happen. Doc tells me in Nov of '04 "If your not preg by Jan '05 then we need to start testing for Invitro options, I'll make the appointments." In December of '04 Hephaestus's company cancells Aetna insurance and goes to another company that doesn't support Invitro. Lovely. Hephaestus loses his job. Perfection. Now we have nothing. Its christmas and we have nothing but eviction notices and shut off notices. A friend loans me $400 bucks, we keep our apartment, barely. All this while I have someone elses' kids that I'm feeding and clothing and they are calling ME momma when I'm trying to get them not to!

Jan of '05 I start working for Jackson-Hewitt tax agency. That doesn't last long either. Hephaestus has odd jobs here and there that barely help keep us afloat. March of '05 I leave for Chicago as "break" for us to help our marriage and to help a friend with her father. Hephaestus gets a job with Celergy. I help my mentor care for her father. I come home. Hephaestus still has his job with Celergy. I'm still fighting like a sonofbitch to keep our heads above the water and keep us from drowning. I havn't even gotten a "Welcome Home" phone call from my in-laws but they drop off the boys because the grandma is tired of having them and Jugalo and Hepheastus did want them while I was gone. Mother-in-law called once, to ask for the steam cleaner back that Hephaestus borrowed.... Still no "Welcome Home". Hmmmmm....

And then you have my life balled up til current... And thats not even all the petty little bullshit with roommates and bestfriends turning against you, pets dying, etc. Wow. I've done alot and been through alot in the last 7 years, and have not accomplished one thing. I can say, however I am very surprised that Hephaestus and I have had this apt for 2 and 1/2 years. That is a mile stone. We've never had a place over 6 months before (the townhouses in Virginia and Arkansas was about 6 months each).

And here I am, sitting here thinking to myself "what is going to happen next?"... I said I'd never play the lottery and here I am telling Hephaestus to buy lotto tickets while He's in states that has the Lotto. Still havn't won anything. Thier is so much I want to do. So much I can't do. So much I need to do. The real irony of it all is, I've considered killing myself many times in the past 7 years. But I havn't. Why? Hephaestus. I love him and I couldn't do that to him. My sister, I love her and dont want to miss out on her having babies and getting married. And my father, I'm afraid it would kill him. He's not in the best of health anymore. When I was 16 he was injured on the job and hasn't been able to work since. I have lead a very rough life. And sometimes I feel that I am older and wiser beyond my years. And then I think that maybe I'm just as stupid as anyone could be. I have no one to blame for my shitty past. I have no one to blame for my inability to hold down a job, except that they are not the jobs that I strive for. I'm a smoker and a recovering alchoholic. I'm 24 years old and i'm a recovering alchoholic. Hey, being told you have cancer at 19 years old will do that to ya. And I had friends that were able to buy and boy did they ever. I've done my fair share of drugs and try hard everyday not to go out and spend my last 5 bucks on whatever it'll get me just to take the pain away.. Not something you want to hear from someone who is suppose to be a "leader in the community" -- talking about the pagan community. I never gave myself that title. It was given to me. I've been directors for this Organization and that Organization and never thought twice about giving up my time to help others in need. I have been known to give my last 5 bucks to someone who is hungry and needs it more, altho I might be hungry as well.

I guess I could say that I am my own worst enemy and I have self destructing tendancies. But doesn't everyone? Life is hard. And some people's lives are harder. And I look back and think that maybe if I didn't let other people interfere in my life so much, Hephaestus and I would be where we wanted to be today. Moving to Virigina was a big mistake. We should have stuck it out living with my dad... Or maybe moving back to Arkansas was the mistake and we should have made Baer move out and into his Gf's instead of letting them take over the townhouse and we move.

I dont know anymore. I know this, I'm tired of being poor. I'm tired of not knowing if I'll have the money to pay my bills and rent. I'm tired of worrying if I'll have enough money for Hephaestus to go back and forth to work with. I'm tired of people holding shit over my head that they have done for me, when I have not said one thing about the things I have done for other people. I dont hold it over there heads. I'm tired of feeling used and abused. I'm tired of feeling like I'm 100 years old when I'm only 24. I'm tired of looking around this apartment and feeling alone and scared. I'm tired of having friends and feeling like I have none. I'm tired of life and I'm tired of this life. I've learned enough lessons, I'm tired of learning. I just want to live. I want to live again... I just want to live... Please, Gods, just let me live... I'm so tired of struggling.

Let me breathe again...