Remember Yesterday? About me getting really pissed off?
I'm not ever going to be ready to "talk about it" in its entirety but the situation *IS* so fucked up that I actually had Joe take me to the store and buy me cigarettes. I had on NO shoes on (sandals in this weather does not count) and wore my ripped open clothes. I was so distraught I fell down the front of the cabinets in the kitchen and ripped open my clothes and destroyed them. They were my favorite pants. I wailed like a banshee for a bit. And then my contacts fell out and it "sobered" me up...
I have never felt that my emptiness in my heart since Mysterious and AuntE passed away litterally hours from eachother and there was nothing I could do about it.
So in all honesty, I am resetting my counter from 223 days and some odd hours to today. I just had a smoke.
Joe took me out to Coldstone to help make me feel better. We laughed. I still don't know how I'm suppose to feel about this... I'm a mess inside.
Part of me wants to pretend that everything is fine. But I know its not. And it wont be for a while. And I'm using it as a crutch to smoke. On the outside I'm pretending that nothing is amiss in my life. On the inside I am screaming and lashing out.
What did I do in a pastlife that has caused me to go through so much torment and pain in THIS life??? It never fails, once I think I'm living "drama free" and everything is going to be perfect..... BAM -slap in the face.
quick clarification ..no, he didn't cheat on me... i just read the post and i would automatically think that if i was reading this from someone else... no cheating involved!!!
ReplyDelete*Hugs* don't know what is wrong, but sending you virtual hugs!!
ReplyDeleteCold Stone always makes everything better.
ReplyDeleteSplurge on those toppings, girl.
I only wish Coldstone would make it all better.
ReplyDeleteJoe
Well, I wouldn't spend any time wondering about past lives.
ReplyDeleteWe live in a screwed up world - no doubt about it - and that is all the excuse needed for things to be screwed up.
I sympathize with you right now though.
Cold Stone always brings a smile to your face.. no matter what the issue is!
ReplyDeleteHugs & Kisses.
When you get a minute, stop by my Blog, I have an award for you!
I'm havign a Roseanne Rosannadanna moment - so "Never mind."
ReplyDeletetitan, you were 1/2 way right. i was referencing a life before this birth of life and ofcourse the life that occurred before joe and i meeting. the life before joe wants to collide in a bad way with the life i have with joe. its a complicated mess.
ReplyDeleteAnd no, its not about H or his wife. They have *Nadda* to do with this. My situation with them has been quite smooth, thankfully!
Gemini, I really wish you and I could be IRL friends and live closer!
Same for you So @ 24, Rosemarie and everyone else, I love you guys so much!
But I must say, Joe you are helping make things a trillion times better. I just need time and you know that you thankfully understand that.
Hang in there, things will get better....I promise!!!
ReplyDelete