Sunday, January 25, 2009

223 Days...

Remember Yesterday? About me getting really pissed off?

I'm not ever going to be ready to "talk about it" in its entirety but the situation *IS* so fucked up that I actually had Joe take me to the store and buy me cigarettes. I had on NO shoes on (sandals in this weather does not count) and wore my ripped open clothes. I was so distraught I fell down the front of the cabinets in the kitchen and ripped open my clothes and destroyed them. They were my favorite pants. I wailed like a banshee for a bit. And then my contacts fell out and it "sobered" me up...

I have never felt that my emptiness in my heart since Mysterious and AuntE passed away litterally hours from eachother and there was nothing I could do about it.

So in all honesty, I am resetting my counter from 223 days and some odd hours to today. I just had a smoke.

Joe took me out to Coldstone to help make me feel better. We laughed. I still don't know how I'm suppose to feel about this... I'm a mess inside.

Part of me wants to pretend that everything is fine. But I know its not. And it wont be for a while. And I'm using it as a crutch to smoke. On the outside I'm pretending that nothing is amiss in my life. On the inside I am screaming and lashing out.

What did I do in a pastlife that has caused me to go through so much torment and pain in THIS life??? It never fails, once I think I'm living "drama free" and everything is going to be perfect..... BAM -slap in the face.