Time for a good Rant

(Don't take it personally, its just me.)

So I was surfin the net today. Lookin at apartments. There are more than I thought that are within my projected price range AND that are closer to the Firm AND they appear to be in nice/good neighborhoods. One of my fears is to find a place that is not in a nice neighborhood. I don't want to live in the "ghetto" again. (Thanks to BioMom in Nashville we lived in the "projects" of East Nashville, TN whenever I visited her when I was younger)

I keep dreaming of the past. I can't help it because its like I can't see the future. Whenever I try to look for a bright and wonderful future where I'm on my own and happy living with my baby (Drakkus)... I just see the past. A past that, well, everything is the same but Hephaestus & Mysterious Devyne being there. Its like snapshots/photos that they've been cut out of. That's a good thing, right?

It's like I'm finally acknowledging that part of my life is over but I want back small key elements of what it use to be. Like having my own place (and Mysterie still being alive). Living my own life. Being proud of myself for making it on my own. My DADDY being proud of me. Somehow I can't help but feeling that maybe he's slightly dissapointed in me. And there are lots of reasons as to why I can imagine that he is dissapointed. I know he didn't want me to move up here, altho he did give me his blessings because he knows me I'm just like him: Stubborn til the end and will fight to have my own way no matter what the cost.

So the bottom line is this: I'm miserable (so what's new huh?) and even tho it looks like I might not be that way forever (there is a silver lining after all) its just going to take sometime and tho its going to drive me insane... I'm gonna have to bide the next 9 months or so until the truck is paid off. Then I'll be free to fly. Free to soar.

And I wonder where I will go... Up north closer to the Firm? Or will I somehow find myself back home in Arkansas? Oh I would love to move back home. But the time is not yet upon us. Next year? Or maybe a few years after? Never?

I don't want to grow old with regrets burdening my deathbed. "Shoulda Coulda and Woulda" life sucks: the road is bumpy, the car is uncomfortable and the gas mileage sucks on top of all the radio stations playing the same damn shit.

You know what I wish? Hades & I have talked about this before. (Hades being one of my old friends back home, remember he was with Persephone and Jack had a crush on him?) That some magickal doorway would open up and a person from another land/time/world/universe would come through and offer me the the chance of a lifetime. To go live in this other world. Like in Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series. It would be so amazing. I wouldn't go unless it was wilderness type of uncultivated lands. Picture "Lord of the Rings".

That would be amazing. Completely all my dreams and fantasies in that regard would come true. But I have alot of fantasies and dreams. I think we need them to stay alive. If we quit dreaming and wishing we'd have nothing to live for anymore. Even the silly ones like my "LOTR" fantasy lands.

And on that note, I'm going to go watch "Charmed" (yes, I watch charmed) and daydream a little dream for myself.

P.S... Still nothing from BWS in regards to the Audition and thier decision. Last I heard from them they were still auditioning people and it shouldn't be long now (hopefully).