Say My Name & Forgive Me

So, the past weekend has been pretty rough on me. I nearly broke my hand lastnight (saturday night) punching into a brick wall after work. Then cried, not from the pain in my hand but the pain in my heart, from work to the atm and then to the bar. Where I sat and tried to drown my sorrows and it did not help. I feel better today, not so much anger and bitterness as lastnight. This particular wound is starting to heal quickly. Guess a heart that is already shattered and clumsily put back together doesn't take long to heal again. If it really is healing at all. Could just be the bandaids and pieces of scotch tape holding it together.

I thought that after such an awesome night on Thursday that this weekend was going to be a no brainer. The fuck ever was I thinking?

So, remember the guy that screwed me over Christmas weekend? ah, wonderful memories made there, I'm sure! I ran into his father & uncle at CR thursday night. Can't remember if I told you guys that or not. But I did. His father was oblivious to what happened between us. He wanted to know why we weren't going out anymore. He thought it was gettin pretty serious. His uncle on the other hand was pretty cold to me. What lame bullshit. I couldn't say anything to his dad. I was like, ya know, I was just wanting to say hi to you guys, didn't expect to see you here. So the mistake's Uncle was being a complete ass to me and his father was genuinly concerned. He kept lookin over at me and trying to make me smile, if only he knew what his son did. UGH. I'm sure by now the uncle has told the father all about our night on a cold december evening.

But I got over that, I did. I'm not mad about that mistake anymore, it was just a mistake. He doesn't have to be such an asshole about it tho. Fucking men!

So, when I accepted a date on Friday night from someone, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go along with him. But did anyways. Long story short, after making all these plans for the Feb 15th concert with Crossfade & Saliva and staying the night with me because we fell asleep watching "Ghost Ship" and having a genuinly absolutely lovely time, you know what happened? I called him like he requested I do when I got the information on the tickets because some of the start times, etc were conflicting and he wanted the exact price. So, I call him on my lunch break Saturday night and its a fake number. You heard me, its a fake number. A fucking godamned fake number. I was so pissed. I almost started crying right there. Its bad enough to have someone fuck you and dump you on christmas fucking eve but its something alltogether when they just toy with your emotions knowing that your planning a future date, etc (so was mistake and I with the Resort's holiday party) and give a damn fake number.

SO, I held it in. I was polite and curteous to all guests and members. I wasn't letting my emotions or anger show, not that I'm aware of anyways. And its finally midnight, I clock out to go home and I'm still steaming pissed off, etc. What finally drove it home for me to risk breaking a few bones in my hand by punching a brick wall? there was a couple standing outside the Spa kissing. And I flashed back a few years and saw me & Hephaestus instead of the 2 guests.

Hot angry tears started pouring down my cheeks. Then I punched the wall. Got into my blazer, drove to the ATM crying and cursing H, ended up at CR with a bleeding hand and tried to get drunk. Yet, I was so angry it didn't work. Barely a buzz.

Now my hand is killing me reminding me of my stupidity. A new friend of mine who works at the Resort, too was really nice and kind about the whole situation when I told him about it. He just held me because I almost started crying again. He's a really nice guy. I'm glad I ran into him at CR on thursday night and we learned w're both Packer fans, we both hate the bears and we both work for the Resort. Altho we never see eachother cuz i'm in the spa and he's in the main building. But its good to have a new friend.

I seem to be making alot of new friends lately ontop of a few 'not so good choices' in this life of mine. When I got home lastnight I actually contemplated suicide again. Not the first time either in the past few years, as you may or maynot recall when H & I first split up I almost took my life then. And it hasn't crossed my mind at all until lastnight. I'm afraid to drink again at this point. Afraid I may actually get the nerve up to do it. So I'm really scared right now. If one more damn thing happens, I'm afraid I wont beable to stop myself. But I'm a strong enough person I'm sure I have good will power to not let that happen. After all the bullshit I've been through in my life and I'm still alive, I doubt I'll ever end it over something so trivial as men. Altho the idea and thought of not living does seem like a good idea. But I wont do it. I wont do it, I promise you and no lectures, please on the idea crossing my mind and seeming to want to stay around for a while.

On a more hilarious note tho, I got a letter from the Resort telling me that due to my excellent customer service I was in the running for Employee of the Month. Yea, me, the one who is supposedly on thin ice because I'm rude and mean to the guests & members to the point that 'one more incident and I'm canned'.... how is that for fucking ironic.

September by Faktion

How did we get here?
Dirty words and anger
Is it about my fears?
My stomach turns and I exhale
There goes everything
I finally said it this time
I hope it burns you
Like I envisioned in my mind

Chorus:
It’s like this I see you crying
You’re ruined from throwing me away
Our picture is torn into
And it’s you who’s rearranged
You’re falling to pieces
And you’ll always remember my name
You know it’s your fault
So say it again, say my name

Should I stay here?
Trapped inside this vision
I’m forced to overthrow the pain
By poisoning my mind
There goes everything
I finally said it this time
I hope it burns you
Like I envisioned in my mind

Repeat Chorus

Now it’s too late
for any chance to bring it back
Too much has changed, now,
to make up what we lack
By the time I learn to forgive and forget
You won’t remember my name

Repeat Chorus

Forgive Me by Faktion

Concentrating on my knees
Cause they're no help to me
I find myself with simple questions
And simple needs

Bleeding forces gather me
Undo my weakness and appease
My sadness and guilt
Of what was done for me

Chorus:
I'll know what you are
The light in the dark
And I'll see what you are

Forgive me

And I'll take what you are
Over again
I'll need nothing more

Take me

Many voices speak
Many times I am weak
Many things escape
It's part of me
Many chances that I take
To kill you again
It should've been me
And Everyone

Repeat Chorus

Take me
See who you are
Know who you are
See who you are
Take me

Repeat Chorus

Take me

Forgive me