New York Giants 20
Philadelphia Eagles 23
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New York Jets 16
New England Patriots 37
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I'm a little sad today, a little depressed. Happy about the outcome of the games, wish I could have watched them myself, but I was at work. *blech*
talked on the phone with Jack today for a bit, that was nice. I was missing her so badly because Will & Grace was on lastnight. Hey Jack, who's going to be our new Will & Grace since Suga & T are outa the picture? Atleast we always have each other. Jack & Karen are the true stars of the show anyways.
I think I have made my decision. Its not completely final. I still have a whole year left to think and rethink this shit through.
I'm fucking depressed. What the FUCK! Its snowing outside, I'm living in the Suburbs of a HUGE fucking city that's just waiting for me to explore it. And all I want to do is cry. What in the hell is wrong with me? I need a shrink. I need something. Maybe a good orgasm? I need a good 'day with the boys' watching football, drinking beer and throwing shit at the TV while yellin at the refs is what I need and aint gonna get in this non football loving household I live in.
Son of a bitch. Did I fuck up again? I did didn't I? Why do I always fuck up? How could I always fuck up!!! I'd ask Hephaestus but his cowardly ass is ignoring me, but I'm NOT the one who fucked up that relationship! NO I'M NOT! I tried hard, I did. For every damn day that we were together and those days in between that you could never make up your mind on anything. I was there for you. I supported you, I loved you, damnit. And all you ever did was hurt me.
My little book of poems and short stories fell apart. So, instead of hole punching them and putting them into a 3 ring binder, I bought a new stronger and better note book and have spent the past 2 days copying them. the originals are so old they are falling apart anyways, so they'll go into a safe place like my memory box or something. Anyways, I have years and years upon stuff that I wrote in regards to you breaking my heart. In the beginning there was happy peoms and no tears. But that only lasted a few months. All you ever did was hurt me. Convinced me that I was nothing without you. And now that I'm on my own and there is NEVER any chance of us ever being together again, I'd rather just die.
I'd rather just die than be without your mentally abusive and controlling ways. That's what you conditioned me for, isn't it? To forever long for you and never be happy with anyone else. To never WANT to be with anyone that would be good for me. to want and seek out those that only wish to hurt and destroy me.
I tried to run away. I didn't get very far. Because every time I look over my shoulder. There you are. I can't run anymore. I've tired. I'm so very tired of running from my emotions and feelings for you. I can't live like this anymore. 10 years. 10 fucking years! Nearly half my life. I could have done so many other things with my life.
Who held my hand during the cancer? Even when we were broke up and I ran into you a McDonalds and asked if we could be friends? You did. You were there for me through the entire thing. Our friendship evolved into something more, as always we couldn't keep our hands off each other. It was never perfect but it was something. And you cast me aside like I never ment a damn thing to you. You know how many men would have LOVED to be you! Before you ruined me?
Now no one will have me now. I don't even want myself.
and now she understands what a friend from Canada tried to get her to see in a time past
ReplyDeleteI think seeing a Psychologist/Psychiatrist could be good for you. There is really no reason to try to carry this weight alone. There are people out there who can lend an ear, a new perspective, and some good therapies to help you cope. No one can take away what has happened and no one can make it all better. The bright side is that there are ways to deal with it and get past it. Whether you see it or not, there are brighter days just waiting to be lived by you. Many places out there will see you regardless of your ability to pay. Ask around. Call some counseling facilities or your local Welfare agency. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, I think it's rather immature to be handing out 'I told you so"s. A real friend would have never done that. Not now, not ever.
ReplyDeleteeventually, Anonymous1 (which I don't have permission to say your name so I wont) we all learn the lesson by ourselves in due time.
ReplyDeleteI was young and dumb and trust me, I'm not the only one. You've been there before yourself if I recall, just maybe not to the extreme I was in by getting married.
We need to make our own mistakes in life.
Anon2 -- I dont think I need counseling. I feel much better today. Guess all I needed was a little yelling and screaming and I guess all the yelling and screaming I do by myself doesn't work. However throwing a tantrum in your online journal seems to work miracles. But I appreciate your caring.
As well as being noticed by someone today. That really put a huge smile on my face.
*sigh* he's so dreamy, lol but kinda on the short side, which sucks!
unfortunatly he's also one of the owner's sons so I guess he's hands off. But he keeps comming up with 'lame' excuses to talk to me. He's new. They fired McDreamy. Guess I didn't tell anyone that. I should make this a post in itself!