Good News, Any News....

Well, I'm definatly working this weekend at TheSpa. That's good. I don't like not having any money. I know that if I did I'd just be out drinking it away at Crossroads, but hell that's better than sitting at home alone and bored, right?

So, that mistake that I think I made. Its been a confirmed mistake. I havn't heard anything from that particular person and its been about 2 weeks now I believe. It was the eve of Christmas Eve when I last saw them. So this song is to them, because for the past 2 months its been this way...

Ain't it just like one of us
To pick up the phone after a couple drinks
Say how ya been I've been wondering if maybe you've been thinking 'bout me
And somewhere in the conversation
An ole familiar invitation always arrives
I may hate myself in the morning
But I'm gonna love you tonight

Everyone's known someone they just can't help but want
Even though we just can't make it work out
Well the want to lingers on
So once again we wind up in each other's arms pretending that it's right
I may hate myself in the morning
But I'm gonna love you tonight

I know it's wrong
But it ain't easy moving on
So why can't two friends
Remember the good times once again

Tomorrow when I wake up I'll be feeling a little guilty, a little sad
Thinking how it used to be before everything went bad
I guess that's what is
In lonely late night calls like this that we try to find
I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight

I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight

--Lee Ann Womack "I May Hate Myself In The Morning, But I'm Gonna Love You Tonight"

When he calls again *if* he calls again, I wont be doing the same mistakes again. I wont answer the phone. I will NOT answer the phone..... I wont do it. I can't do it anymore.

So, I'm sure you guys dont wanna hear about my shattered love life. If I ever had a love life.

So, you all remember Jack? She emailed me the other day. Said she was sorry and she misses me and loves me. I miss her, too. She's one of the people I do miss. I wonder about all the people I left behind. How they are doing, etc. I wonder how Suga's baby is. She was pregnant when I left. I miss her 2 kids. They were the best kids.

I wonder what I could have done to make things different? #1 it would have to be not such a bad person. And I was a bad person in some aspects of my life. I helped people do things that I knew were wrong. I did things I knew were wrong. I cheated on someone I was dating and I never do that. I NEVER do that! And I did, right under thier nose, all the while helping someone else do the same thing. And in the end, someone helped a guy I was seeing keep a secret that he was cheating on me. So in the end, everything we do comes full circle. I know I can't run away from Karma. No matter where I go, Chicago or anywhere, the things I did in Arkansas and I helped people do will catch up with me eventually.

So this new year is turning out to be a depressing one. Thus far I have cried myself to sleep every night. And I want to go home. I want to go back to Arkansas. Even just for a visit, I want to go home. I miss my family so much. And I know that the friends I have down there are NOT the friends I need in my life (too much drugs and alchohol abuse and sleeping around) but I miss them too and I want to see everyone.

Hey Arkansas! Have you guys forgotten about me? Most of you have my number and/or email address and you never call me! I told you that my phone died and I had to get a new one so all my numbers for you guys were lost, what's up? Did you forget about me? Or is it that I'm not there so I'm not worthy of your oh so precious time?

Fuck it. Here's a dedication to all my 'homeys' in Arkansas, whether you miss and love me or not, I miss and love all of you!

Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50,000 tears I cry
Screaming,
Deceiving,
And bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
...I'm going under...
Don't want your hand this time
I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reach the bottom

[chorus]
I dive again
I'm going under (going under)
Drowning with you (drowning with you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through
I'm, going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
(I don't know what's real and what's not)
Always confusing the thoughts is my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I dive again
I'm going under (going under)
Drowning with you (drowning with you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through,
I'm, so go on and scream
Scream at me, so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe
I can't keep going under

I dive again
I'm going under (going under)
Drowning with you (drowning with you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through,
I'm, going under (going under)
Going under (drowning with you)
I'm going under

-- Evanescence "Going Under"

~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~
Feeling: A wittle bit depressed


Listening to: Going Under - by Evanescence