Boring Day

SO! abosolutely boring. I guess I should be thrilled? *sigh*

My Packers are starting to do better. The Razorbacks are kicking ass. Thats good. Woot Woot!

I finally got my new cell phone. Its new to me, but its a hand me down. Still alot better than the one I had.

I've had tons of people trying to talk me out of giving Hephaestus some of Mysterie's ashes. What do you suggest? Because I'm torn. I want to be the 'bigger' person and do this act of kindness. I feel in my heart it's what she would want. But yet, most of everyone I know says that it's wrong and that he doesn't deserve it, etc etc.

What should I do?

I'm so lonely. So ready for my Prince Charming (Not really prince charming tho) to come and sweep me off my feet. I'm lonely and tired of being lonely. When is it my turn? Geeze, I sound pathetic.

Caught up with an ole girlfriend of mine from down in VA lastnight. She's doing real good which is awesome to hear. Got a new baby girl and a wonderful husband. Her son is doing great. That's all good! I'm happy for her.

I off-handly said Sun night at the Spa that I was home sick and gonna move back to Arkansas. 2 of the girls I get along with really good (I'd almost consider them friends) said I wasn't allowed to leave and go back home.

As long as I stay in Chicago, I'll never think of this place as home. That's normal isn't it?

Went to the market and bought supplies for dinner tomorrow night. It's been so long since I've cooked, I hope I don't fuck it up. I'm going to make Beef Stew. And it makes me sad to do so.

Ya know, of all the lies, I know for a fact the ONE thing Hephaestus never lied about was my cooking. When I asked him "What do you want for dinner?" and he would reply "What you want, everything you make is great" I knew that it was the truth...

Am I still hung up on my ex? Sure sounds like it doesn't it? Can ya blame me with how long we spent together? Everything that we through? Everything that *I* went through and he was the one I was with. No, I don't love him. Wait, I take that back. I'll always love him. I'm just not IN love with him anymore. I know that.

I'm depressed and rambling.

I miss my little girl so much. I'm kicking myself in the ass (Altho all my family say's there was nothing I could do about it) for not getting to TN when my AuntE died.

Tomorrow is the Pagan New Year. Its my roomate's anniversary (they got married on Samhain in '03). I was her Maitron of Honor. I should be thrilled. I should be happy. Yet, I'm not.

I have no kids to take trick or treating. To hold thier hand and tell them "You shouldn't have ate all that candy" when thier tum tums hurt. I don't have that special wonderful man to go with us and carry his son and/or daughter down the street knocking on doors.

Thanksgiving is comming soon. I'm going to miss putting up the Yule tree on Turkey Night. Always a tradition, put it up the night of Turkey Day. *sigh* I had such wonderful tree decorations. Some of the stuff I had was my Grandmother's and my Aunt's that have passed before. I don't get that now. Hephaestus threw it away or it got given to his Mom or Brother. Hell for all I know, he still has that stuff and him and his 'new woman' are using MY memories.

No, I'm not depressed. I'm fucking pissed off. All of my life that I have left is in Arkansas. In fucking storage. I don't know when I'll get it again. My car, Don't even get me started on my fucking car. My packer's stuff. My Nascar memorabilia. EVERYTHING that ment so much to me that he said would be safe turned out NOT to be. And what little I did get before hand is all in storage.

I've tried to build my life back. I've tried to make myself a wonderful life.

Its only been a little over a year. I know the first holidays are hard after Divorce. I experienced that last year. And now, these holidays, the first without my family. Not being able to see my girls.. (Raquel and Pebbles) I miss my daddy so much. **I LOVE YOU DADDY**

*sigh*

I wanna cry. I wanna just curl up into a ball and just cry and cry and not stop.

I don't wanna be here during the holidays. But, I made my choice so I have to deal with it now, don't I? Made my bed, gotta sleep in it now.

I came up here to start my life over. I came up here to do better for myself and be happy. To leave the hurt and the pain and the memories behind in Arkansas. Dead and buried forever.

On a good note, I got Mysterious' ashes back the other day. Just gotta go get an Urn for her. And make my decision on whether or not I'm gonna give some to Hephaestus.

I know this might sound a little odd... But, I bought a fake black rose and some black rose petals. I have a shelf I'm going to put all 3 cats' ashes up on (2 of them are there now). I'm going to put the rose on it and I have a purple feather boa that's going on it as well. I'm going to sprinkle the rose petals around thier Urns. I'm going to make a shrine of/for the dead tomorrow. Consecrate it and bless it. Do a little ritual. Just me and Drakkus for his Bros and Sister.

I'm thinking of going back and getting 2 more black roses, so there'll be 1 for each. But I'm thinking the one rose is enough. It makes a statement, serves it's purpose. I have some Camo colored yarn and some pink yarn as well. Its 'fluffy' not like regular yarn. Its hard to explain... I'm thinking of finding away to use it for decoration around it. Pink for her, Camo for the boys. Like, lay it around thier Urns? But I think that might be a little too much with the Purple Boa. I'll take a pic and post it after I'm done.

well, Crystal and Taz are going to be home....scratch that, they are home. And she can tell I'm down. So I gotta go or else.

Love,
Jenny

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Feeling: Depressed, Angry...All over the place


Listening to: "Foxy Lady" Jimmie Hendrix (I think it's hendrix)