rambling

I've debated going into the military all my life. Never knowing exactly what branch I'd what to Join or what field I'd want to work in. More and more these days I have this huge urge to join. I know my family and friends would think that I'm insane for wanting to do this. And its not like I'm wanting active duty. The being in the Guards, ok I can handle that. Best of both worlds right? Serve my country and live my civilian life. Unless I get called overseas.

#1, I'd have to make sure my babies are taken care of while in bootcamp. I know I can trust them to my roommates. But they will be so mad at me by the time I get back. Yes, people do it all the time with thier KIDS. and thier spouses. Why should it matter with my 2 babies? My cats. Because I can. And they mean so much to me and thier welfare and well being.

#2, I really dont know if I have the discipline needed to be in the Military. I want to so bad. And at the rate I was going with the weight loss, I could do it. And now, well, needless to say since I've quit smoking, I've added a few lbs to my weight. I didn't mean to. But appearntly I've been snacking and didn't realize it. So, I've made it a point to walk walk walk and walk s'more. And keep a concience eye on what I'm doing with my hands.

#3, I dont know if the Military would even take me. I'm a cancer survivor. And I've got a bad back. As long as I watch what I'm doing and don't lift anything over X lbs, and make sure that I take my vitimins and ibuprophen as prescribed, I'm well and fine.

So what do you think? Quit dreaming about it and just go talk to a recruiter and see what they have to say? Or give up because of the above and don't bother.

I've made alot of progress in my life about alot of different areas. I've been through alot of shit in my life. I'd say I'm a pretty stable person. I'm loving and kind and caring. Affectionate when needed to be. I took great care of my ex-husband altho I don't think that he appreciated it. Most of the time I feel like I'm at a loss in my life. I don't know what I'm doing. Or where I'm going. I feel empty yet I feel fulfilled. I have great friends and wonderful family. Yet I feel like I have no one. I'm gettin into a rut and I need a way out of this rut. It happens from time to time.Solitude does this to me as well as changing paths in my life. And my life's path is changing dramatically.

Thier is a Karaoke contest that will start in a few weeks. I'm gonna signup and hopefully go somewhere with it. Prize is $ 1k. woot. I could use the money!

I miss my family in Arkansas. My dad and my little sisters mostly. Found out that Raquel is moving in with her Boyfriend. And Pebble's marriage is still rocky, but she's fighting hard to keep it together. I'm proud of both of them in thier own rights. I love my girls so much it hurts I can't just hop in the truck and go see them anytime I want to now.

I miss my dad terribly. I am such a daddy's girl. And I miss him with all my heart. I love him so much. He was the reason why I fought my longing so much to move here to Illinois. Afraid I'd never see him again. But I know that is a silly fear. But I don't want to be like him. He has regrets of not seeing his mother as often as he would have liked and then she died. He regreted the years of not being in Tenessee. I don't want to have those regrets. Those fears. I don't want to see my lil sisters get older in pictures and thier kids born in pictures.

I finally broke down and wrote BioMom a letter. I havn't heard anything back from her, altho I'm sure I will. I doubt it takes long for mail to get from Wood Dale, IL to Nashville, TN and back again. I really really really care not at all for her husband. He is a drunk and hateful. He acused me when I was 15 of having sex with guys for drugs --which was a lie and disgusting if you knew the guys. I was on summer vacation to see her and got stuck with him all the time. And then ofcourse he told her I tried to have sex with him. Drunk bastard. I hate him. She's gotten alot better, mentally. I have noticed. She has some delusions but things don't seem as bad as they were. But that is the other family talking. She always seems to be progressing to them, when to me its a diff total story. She needs to lose the husband she has. Maybe I'd be more active in her life. But if she wants to be miserable with a drunken bastard that likes to abuse her mentally and physically, who refuses to work and then complains that they never have any money and live on food stamps. Thats her life. Not me. I'm ashamed and I admit it. I am ashamed. And all the more the reassons that I'm very proud of the fact that I was raised by my dad.

My Horoscope

Believe it: You have all the ingredients for success well within your grasp. It's time to reevaluate your goals and what you can do to reach them. You're about to embark on a whole new cycle of success.

I need a man in my life. I miss the touching and caressing. The feeling of being safe in thier arms. Of never being alone and having someone to share things with. I'm so tired of being single. And I guess I'm looking in the wrong places for what I want. I'm tired of being propositioned for just sex. Or they want marriage after meeting me for like 10 mins. Its ridiculous. Where is my happy medium? OR, yes this is the worst, thier wonderful men and thier wives treat em like shit and they don't see it or realize it. So you have to sit on the side lines and watch them be treated like shit. It sucks. My whole single life sucks at the moment.

Love me for my faults, whether wrong or right.