Savin' Me

Those of you who know me, know that I have a "supressed" nervous anxiety disorder. Its post traumatic stemming from my childhood. Little things can set it off... Its being set off. I don't know why, I'm not sure exactly how to deal with it. I talked with friends (we just got off the phone) about it and they said to take a deep breath, relax and take a day at a time.

I've smoked 2 packs of cigarettes today alone. That is NOT normal for me (in any normal condition that is)

I am seriously starting to freak out. I feel like the clock is running out on me. I want to have children and I want to go places and see things. I want to go back to college (that gives me the most stress) and get my own place (sometimes I feel like I'm in a prison, sometimes I'm good)

Last years new years resolutions were just torn to shreds, so I didn't even bother with a resolution this year. I have less than a month (23 days exact) til my 26th birthday. I honestly thought I would be alot farther than I am now at 25 yrs old let alone 26. I've been married, divorced. Owned my own vehicles and I have none now. I'm living with my parents, which so sucks the big one. I feel like an utter and complete failure. I am so dissapointed in myself its not even funny. I was a mother and my "kids" (not biologically mine) were taken from me.

And thats where this song comes into play.

NICKELBACK

"Savin' Me"

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

*like i said, I feel like I'm in a prison. The walls of my room close in on me sometimes and I can't breath.*

[Chorus:]
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

*I just want my parents to believe in me. Its like I don't even think my own life, no matter how crappy it seems, is worth saving in anyform. I'll leave everything here behind me, all the past and prove to them and everyone what I can be. I need to hear that I'm worth saving. *

Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

*Yes, I'm Pagan. Heaven to me is being happy. I'm trying to fly with broken wings (aka a broken heart) and I want to fall in love again. But instead it feels like I'm on the edge of a building falling off it.*

[Chorus]

Hurry I'm fallin'

All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

[Chorus]

Hurry I'm fallin'

And so I don't know how to get there, but I have a map and directions on where I need to go. Job, got it. Vehicle, working on it. College, in the process of working on it. I need to go take my SATs and find out what the college here in town has to offer and go from there. My own place, working on it. Vehicle comes first before it all, unfortunatly. I must have a ride. MY OWN RIDE. And odd as it may seem, just the thought of that, gives me the greatest hope.

I've been thinking of going to my Dr and talking to him about Paxil again. I was on it for a few months after 9/11 (Hephaestus being there and all) and seriously thinking it might help a little bit.

Being obsessive compulsive nervous anxiety is no fun. I'm usually pretty controlled. I've had more good days that bad days. Its just that when something goes unexpected, unplanned, I wig out more easily than your average person would.

And now we come down to the drugs. Now you know why I was so easily turned to alchoholism, and meth and the other drugs. I know now and won't let it happen again. These are the days I want to go out and score a gram. Meth, when i was on it, it helped me stay calm and deal with things easier. Slowed me down? I don't know. Fighting that urge is hard, but its easy because I think of the BETTER places I will be NOT on it.

Here's to hoping tomorrow will be better. I have to work in the morning, so I need to go to bed now *if I can sleep that is, one of the worst things about the anxiety disorder showing its ugly face is the terrible insomnia that follows*

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Feeling: Nervous Anxiety Strikes Again


Listening to: Nickelback "Savin Me"