Right now I don't know where I'm going. I'm living one day at a time. If anyone even tries to bring up any kind of plan I start getting short of breath like I'm having a panick attack. Total fear of the future and making plans. I can't handle even the smallest changes right now. An example of how bad this is getting... The manager I've had since I started back at wal-mart is leaving. Well, he's left. His last night was lastnight. I thought my whole system was going to shut down. I need consistancy some sort of base, ground work something, and then my boss leaves. I'm happy for him I am. But I caught the thought of "they always leave me" running in my head.
Out of the past and heart breake and tears of years ago, I made a friend. She started working with me at wal-mart. She started about when we went to TN. (More on that in a few). She told me the other day her husband wants them to move to california. I just remet this person again (we were aquantances before and thought we were on our way to becomming really good friends) and now she's leaving me. I'm not ready for this. I feel that I love her and her family. And now i'm going to lose them too. All this is helping to build a brick wall and close off a once loving and open heart to everyone.
I love(d) Hephaestus's family as well. Ya, they irritated me and got on my nerves because they didn't do things the way I thought they should be done. But hey, thats life. I'm sure I do alot of things that people don't approve of. But that's neither the issue or the problem solver. I miss the boys. They felt as if they were my own children. (Thats gonna piss alot of people off). Son1 called me momma alot. I always discouraged it, but he did it anyways. *sigh* But all this doesn't stop me missing his family and loving them too.
So, anyways... I've been thinking of how I could help myself move on. Because obviously Hephaestus is happy in his new single life. I don't know if he's found anyone else. He says he's not looking. We've had sex twice since he left me. Doesn't make sense does it? When he's around me its like I still do for him what I've always done. Which is mind boggling. I guess having sex with me is convenient, I'm not going to turn him down, he knows I can't get pregnant and he knows I'm clean (aka no STDs or other diseases). I could feel the same way about him, but I don't know if he's having sex with other people. I guess you could say its none of my business, after all he did leave me. The thought of him with someone else makes me so sick. And its always with me. What am I going to do when he does find someone else? Right now I don't particularly think that I could handle it.
My life is in shambles. And it seems that all guys that I do meet want is sex. No, I havn't given it to them. Just Hephaestus. Once I find out thier intentions its over. I just want friendships not sexships.
I know I made mistakes. But it was Hephaestus and I who made the mistakes together and I feel like I'm the one being punished for them. I could have left him when he was having cyber sex with someone else. When he told this person "If I came up there and had sex with you and got you pregnant that would give me and excuse to leave Jen and marry you". I stayed. I tried to work it out with him. Because I love him. And yes, I hate this other person. What woman wouldn't hate the person who thier husband came very close to cheating on them with. And now he says its my fault, from me hating her and wishing her ill, that she's in prison. I'm sorry, I'm not the one who told her to hang out with a loser crowd or told her to drive a stolen vehicle. Whether she knew the car was stolen or not is the issue. Its the poeple and circumstances she surrounded herself with that landed her in prison. Taking her side over mine. Sounds familair. Brings back enough memories for me to hate him, but I don't. I can't. I love him too much. I guess you could say I hate him so much it makes me love him even more? Doese that even make sense?
I want everything to be the way it was before things got complicated. I don't think things have ever been uncomplicated. Bummer. I want my husband back. And just because I have kinda put myself out there on the market, ie if a guy asks me out I kinda consider it. They usually let thier true colors show in about 2 seconds. LOSER "So, you wanna go out sometime?" ME "I guess, what did you have in mind?" LOSER "Your newly single and lonely, I'm loney... I'm sure we could figure something out to kill time *wink wink*" ME "No thanks."
I absolutely hate the way my life has turned out.
Change of topic... TN (Tennessee)... About a month or so ago my aunt had a heart attack. She had 4 blood clots in her heart, 2 in her neck and 1 in a leg and arm. She recovered from the heart attack and they did surgery to remove the clots in her neck and heart. She was improving and doing well and then a few days after that, she was complaining of a massive migraine headache. Then a few hours later she had an annerism (a blood clot that ruptured in her brain). So we went to TN. She's my daddy's sister. She's doing alot better. It was touch and go. They didn't think she was going to make it. She's off life support now and out of the coma. She's on her road to recovery.
My other aunt, Mom's sister, who lives in Lamar, is also on her death bed. She has cancer. Been battling it for years. They said a few years ago she was in remission. And then suddenly they say no its back and it moved to another part of her body. She's at home on her death bed. Hospice is making her "comfortable". We don't know how much longer she'll be with us. But I don't think it'll be much longer. She's giong down fast and hard.
And now I'm getting off here for a bit. I love you all. Even those of you who wished me and Hephaestus ill and wanted us to split up for your own selfish reasons.
Feeling:
ThoughtfulListening to: VH1 insomniac music theatre
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